Life Quotes
Me: Magical kidnapping unicorn! Because it's anime, and anime doesn't have to make sense.
Yasmin: Midge is sleeping with God.
Me: Is she hot?
Hayley: God can't be hot.
Me: God is a Japanese Sophomore.
Ashley: Hi-Five Haruhi reference!
Me: I know people who think politics is great. To me politics is a chore. Every time an election comes round you've gotta make yourself politically aware enough to vote for the right guys and not fuck the country over.
Hanna: I was so unprepared for the election. I went in to work and was like, 'Okay, who's in power now. Are they any good?' I ended up voting for the guys with the prettiest logo.
Me: *reading the late night listings* US Open Golf at 2:30 in the morning? I guess that's for the people who are trying to get to sleep.
Me: All teenage boys look up porn on the internet, it's just a fact.
Hanna: Even the Amish?
Me: Especially the Amish!
Me: I love the part in the new Star Trek movie where Spock's talking to the Vulcan Council, and although he makes the "Live long and prosper" sign, you can totally tell he means "Die in a fire". Okay, so from now on if you reverse the *makes LLaP sign* sign, it means "Die in a fire", okay.
Yasmin: Yeah, okay, whatever.
Me: You didn't listen to a word I just said, did you?
Yasmin: Nope.
Me: *flashes her a reverse LLaP*
Blatantly Christian Guys with Pamphlets: Hi...
Me: I'm revising right now so I really don't have time for this.
BCGwP: Oh, you have exams.
Me: Yes.
BCGwP: Here, have a pamphlet.
Me: *takes pamphlet* Thanks *slams door shut* ... I think I'm getting better at that.
Me: Why do Christians keep showing up when I'm revising; I mean, if God's on my side for passing these exams, great! If not, it's kinda annoying.
Me: We're going to Candy Mountain.
Yasmin: Candy Mountain!
Girl at counter: That effin' unicorn.
Hanna: Is your name Charley by any chance.
Girl at counter: Is it that obvious?
Me: *holding hands with Matthew, palm-to-palm with our fingers intertwined* You know this is fairy sex, right?
Matthew: *snort* What?
Me: It's from a movie. Have you seen it? What's it called... the one with the rainforest, 'Fern Gully' that's it!
Matthew: Never heard of it.
Me: Oh, well basically there's a fairy and she shrinks a guy down so she can show him how awesome the rainforest is; then they intertwine their hands like we're doing and it glows blue, and that's fairy sex.
Matthew: Whoever made that film must've been smoking something.
Me: Are these bulbs higher wattage? Because I'm seeing things in an entirely new light.
Hanna: *mumbling* Turning Japanese, I think I'm turning Japanese, I really think so.
Me: You know that song is about masturbation, right?
Hanna: I know, it's just I've got it stuck in my head.
Me: Just work your way up the scale of catchyness until you find an Ohrwurm you like.
Hanna: 'What's in your head, in your head...'
Both: 'Zombie-eh-eh.'
Mum: Did you do the washing up this morning?
Me: *shrug* Just call me the Insomniac Housework Fairy.
Matt: *on way to Psych exam* Time to go fail.
Me: Time to go barely pass.
Matt: ...I hate you, you know.
Me: Wait the lyric is 'Nevers and maybes'... Why the hell have I been singing 'Leopards and May Queens'?
Dad: Why does the radio just play the same 25 songs day in, day out?
Me: Welcome to the age of the iPod. Everyone has 2000 songs but only listens to their top 25.
Matthew: The readout says it's gonna take 4 days.
Me: Might be like Windows though, where it keeps changing its mind as it goes: 4 days, 3 minutes, 8 hours, 52 seconds, 9 years, a decade, 2 milliseconds, three hours, done!
Matthew: Possibly. It just went down to 2 days and then back to 4.
Me: Ah, digital indecisiveness: the first step towards total AI. Not that we need to worry about a robot revolution or anything, for with indecisiveness comes procrastination!
Yasmin: *in a Facebook status* Just bitchslapped a moth because it got all up in my grill.
Me: *pointing dramatically* Do you remember Mandy Moore?
Hanna: *startled* No.
Me: See, no-one remembers Mandy Moore.
Hanna: Okay, so who is Mandy Moore?
Me: She's a pop star. Started out at the same time as Britney and Christina Aguilera. Also, Jessica Simpson.
Alex: Now, her I remember.
Me: Yeah. Though nowadays she's mostly known for being stupid. She asked if tuna was chicken or fish.
Yasmin: Did you remember the weed?
Hanna: Yes.
Yasmin: Sorry, it's just; sometimes I forget little things like that.
Me: Do you think maybe there's a correlation there?
Me: *after explaining to Matt what a beta is and does* In the real world they call them editors. I tend to avoid the real world. It's very bright and full of jellyfish.
Me: *seriously* What is the operate conditioning of your turtle fence?
Yasmin: Uh, it's... good?
Hanna: Some women consider a man's real sex organ to be his brain.
Me: Does that mean an MRI counts as a striptease?
Me: More people should wear their heart on their sleeve, it makes it easier to find a pulse.
Hanna: I gave up on being a vegetarian.
Me: How long did you last?
Hanna: Three weeks.
Me: You beat Yasmin then.
Hanna: Yeah, towards the end I was clinging to that; 'Must beat Yasmin, must beat Yasmin'.
Sam: I was joking.
Me: Well that's funny, because your joking voice sounds an awful lot like your sincere voice. You really need to distinguish between your sincere voice and your joking voice; if you can't even achieve that you can kiss your dreams of becoming a cartoon voice actor goodbye.
Sam: *wtf look*
Me: *walking out into sunlight* Oh gosh that's bright *considering previous statement* It's so bright I've come over all British. Oh golly.
Matt: I tried being demi-vegetarian.
Wayne: What's a demi-vegetarian?
Me: It's when you're a vegetarian, but your father happens to be Zeus.
Hanna: *loudly* Ha! *quieter, embarassed* Sorry, I'm a nerd.
Me: Hey, no need to apologize; I made the lame joke after all.
Matt: You're up early.
Me: Technically I'm up late. I dared to venture onto tvtropes, it's been about six hours but I still have a bunch of tabs open.
(Yasmin and I are losing a match of doubles pool to Kaylie and Ian, badly, frankly we're getting pwned)
Kaylie: If we win without you potting a single ball I think you should have a forfeit, Yas.
Yasmin: Like what?
Kaylie: Streaking.
Me: *manages to pot a ball*
Kaylie: Damn. That was a good shot though.
Me: *bewildered* That was a total fluke. Just FYI.
Me: *after managing to pot another ball* I'm worried that I'm gonna follow up this good with some epic suck. *pots the cue ball* Yup, there it is.
Me: *after losing the game* Behold, for we are blessed with suck.
Me: *singing along to the jukebox*
Hanna: You really fancy yourself as some sort of popstar, huh?
Me: Actually I just like karaoke *shrug*
Me: I appear to be behaving in a 'measuringly bitchy' manner.
Hanna: What's that?
Me: It's when you bitch by carefully limiting your responses; like if you're giving a compliment you'd say "You're quite pretty" and if you're deflecting criticism it'd be "You're not that fat". I guess I'm depressed.
Hanna: You're not that depressed.
Matt: *passionately debating the importance of legalizing prostitution* ... prostitution is frankly one of the best things humanity has ever created.
Me: *politely raising a hand to attract attention, deadpan* Not to rain on your parade or anything, but I personally rank agriculture, medicine and the invent of technology higher than prostitution.
Matt: But prostitution allows...
Me: Without agriculture we'd still be hunter-gatherers and there would be no way to sustain such a high population as we currently have on this planet. With fewer people there'd be fewer prostitutes and fewer potential clients.
(Several minutes of Matt digging the "pro-prostitution" hole deeper)
Matt: With prostitution there would be outlets for urges, so it wouldn't be innocents being raped, it would be people asking for it.
Kirsty: *shocked* I don't think prostitues are asking to be raped.
Matt: But prostitution is like a business.
Me: Yes, and like any other business those working in it should have the right to refuse service.
Hanna: Did you ever have one of those purple drinks as a kid that came in a square box and you had to punch a straw through the top?
Matt: I have no idea what you just said.
Hanna: *turning to me* Do you remember, the square box with a straw in the top.
Me: *thoughtful, then comprehending* Yes! They used to give them to us at Kids' Zone parties.
Hanna: *hands me a glass* Doesn't this taste exactly like it?
Me: *sips* Hey, it kinda does. Only it's alcoholic... so I kinda doubt they were giving us this when we were ten.
Me: *contemplating a reply to a frustratingly picky reviewer* Aw fuck it *backspace* I don't give a shit, bitch!
Me: The word of the day is ubiquitous.
Hanna: What?
Me: It means 'to be omnipresent' ... Kind of like The Game.
Hanna: *laugh* Damn you.
Me: Last night I had a nightmare that was basically a PSA about homophobia and brainwashing. It involved mutant superpowers, chocolate cake the size of my fist and multiverse timetravel. It then segued into a Terminator-style reality featuring me in a Sarah Connor role. The computer overlord posed me with the sadistic choice and I voluntarily surrendered the lives of our group to his machinations for a chance to save my daughter. She was pinned down on a traveling bot heading for an incinerator, her arms broken like the fragile wings of a baby bird. I dived down six stories to save her but didn't make it in time, the door to the incinerator came down on my ankles and I had to listen to her screams while my feet were burned away to the bone... At this point I woke up and concluded that my subconscious fucking hates me!
Me: I'm bad at FPSs. I'm good at FPSRPGs though. I just put all my character points into the "blow shit up with your brain" ability and then I don't have to rely on guns.
Ashley: I'm now a mod for a doujinshi site.
Me: Like the main mod, or just a co-mod?
Ashley: I only have to mod a few threads... thing is, I didn't check which threads in advance. Two are really heavy, one's loli...
Me: *wince*
Ashley: ...one's shota...
Me: Oh dear.
Ashley: ...and the last is rocka.
Me: *confused expression*
Ashley: That's herm.
Me: *grossed out* Oh you poor, poor man.
Me: So my brother finally got a Facebook. I'm trying to cope with the embarassment. He set his religious views as: 'I am God'.
Yasmin: On the plus side, if a mob shows up outside your house your mum'll get to shout "He's not the Messiah, he's a very naughty boy.
Me: *in a dream* I really need to stop scaring away the History teachers.
Me: Why do you have a guitar?
Hanna: It's Simon's. He left it behind when he moved. I have a bass guitar too.
Me: Can you play the guitar?
Hanna: No.
Me: Are you planning to learn?
Hanna: Not especially.
Me: It's just weird. I mean, I tend to not own the instruments that I can't play.
Me: The existential parade is remarkably dull. You see; the committee gets together, begins planning the event, realizes that in another reality some alternate versions of themselves will throw an extravagant ceremony far superior to anything they could create, so they all become depressed and the whole affair gets canceled.
Radio Reporter: There have been sightings of a UFO recently. A large, glowing orange orb floating in the sky; many suspect it to be an alien spacecraft.
Me: Don't be so ridiculous... It's clearly the Eye of Sauron.