(no subject)
This is my journal. MINE. And I'm not letting anyone's negative opinion scare me away anymore. I will rant, and you can stop reading if you want to.
I've been scared so long now. I was scared when she asked me to leave, so scared I just went meekly. I gave up because I knew she could just pack and leave the country, so I didn't even try to ask her to stay. I was scared that she'd feel cornered and that she'd feel that I was stalking her, so I didn't meet with any of our friends, or got to their events, even they were my friends too, even if i was lonely and hurting too. I'm kinda tired of being scared.
I've been filtered out from common friends' lists, and right now I'm in almost the same hurt and confused state as I was when I was when it first happened. I mean, what do they think I'll do to them? I have kept to myself so well, I don't even try to talk to them so often so they wouldn't be so burdened by having to talk to me. All I wanted was to peek into their lives every now and then, at least feel a bit happy that they were happy. Some updates do hurt, but so what? At least I knew she was okay.
And of course that's their choice. Far be it for me to dictate whom they want to keep in their lives. But I thought they were my friends. I loved them too, you know. What hurts is to know that it wasn't true. That they were keeping appearances for her.
You know what else hurts? That for years, she was family, and I never lied, I asked her to tell me what was wrong, asked her to work with me on it. What hurts the most is nothing could have made her happier than me being gone.
I've been scared so long now. I was scared when she asked me to leave, so scared I just went meekly. I gave up because I knew she could just pack and leave the country, so I didn't even try to ask her to stay. I was scared that she'd feel cornered and that she'd feel that I was stalking her, so I didn't meet with any of our friends, or got to their events, even they were my friends too, even if i was lonely and hurting too. I'm kinda tired of being scared.
I've been filtered out from common friends' lists, and right now I'm in almost the same hurt and confused state as I was when I was when it first happened. I mean, what do they think I'll do to them? I have kept to myself so well, I don't even try to talk to them so often so they wouldn't be so burdened by having to talk to me. All I wanted was to peek into their lives every now and then, at least feel a bit happy that they were happy. Some updates do hurt, but so what? At least I knew she was okay.
And of course that's their choice. Far be it for me to dictate whom they want to keep in their lives. But I thought they were my friends. I loved them too, you know. What hurts is to know that it wasn't true. That they were keeping appearances for her.
You know what else hurts? That for years, she was family, and I never lied, I asked her to tell me what was wrong, asked her to work with me on it. What hurts the most is nothing could have made her happier than me being gone.