Another Lonely New Years
Welp...it was indeed too good to be true. Me and the b/f broke up this Tuesday...or I derno. The whole realm of this "putting the relationship on hold" thing has never really been something I understand.
You go around pretending not to love each other and call each other friend's for the sake of the other person's sanity. It really never has made much sense to me. But then again...if you have been reading this blog for a while now...you should noticed that that this is the cycle he and i have. Which blows. Again...another lonely New Years...with no guy to kiss at that final minute. SO again...this year is starting off badly. But I won't let it get to me. Believe you me...there will be hell to pay for this. As usual...he will probably figure he has sorted his shit out...towards Febuarary...I dunno if I will take him back this time. It just comes down to the fact that if he is sincere about his change...why wasn't he to begin with. It all seems like a huge game to me. Alot of promises and false pretenses. Alot of things that I don't understand, and he is unwilling to clarify. Those things on the other hand could mean the difference between this rift staying inbetween us or not.
I suppose I'm writing this for some sort of feedback...a digital outcry if you will. Though I know there is no point in this...because I know hardly anyone leaves me any sort of comments anymore. I still feel the urge to write about this experience. To help cope or come up with some other solution other than the one I am now faced with. As much as it hurt to let him go, there is always the hope he might come back. But then again...as time keeps ticking away...I'm starting to wonder if I truly want him to come back. If the pattern keeps the same, of course I will be writing the same thing next year, and who knows when the cycle will end. Because at this point I don't see anything changing. I see the same stuff happening again. Basically speaking, i can understand his reasons, but I don't think I should have to accept them. I can do much better than him, even though it seems quite hard. I'm back to listening to Slipknot for the time being. When I'm online sending things out, I often log onto MySpace and listen to the three songs on DJ Starscream's site. Right now...its only the heavy doses of Starscream, Slipknot, Gackt and Lewis Black that is keeping me sane...and that...my crew. I have to leave them Love...The Professor and his crew...for the damn near rescue...I appreciate it. Chris...I've known you for so long and yet still you remain the same. I need people in my life to do that for me. Brad, Max, and Grandma...love ya...love you for your knowledge and wisdom. i wish I could get him to see the same way as you guys do.
What they have all as a collective came up with that he is still a lil boy in the mind, and that he has just grown older. A child can pretend to be an adult...but adults can afford to act like children once and awhile. His confusion on things and the fact that he can never figure out what his priorities are...I dunno. I am leaving the time to discuss things in his hand, and when he feels like he wants my input on this, I will. But for the moment right now...I derno. I don't know where he and I stand, but I know one thing. He might end up standing alone if he waits to long...if he decides that perhaps the situation is a little bit too far out of his reach. Perhaps then...and only then can things move to a new direction. Perhaps then I can believe that he is truly someone worthy of my heart. But until then...it looks like this New Years I will be alone...in the sense that I am going to be with no one. But I will be surrounded by friends...very close and dear friends...and i just don't feel like dealing with the drama right now. Worst enough as is to get your heart broken, but to never know when it will be fixed is another. So while he thinks I am waiting for him...that won't be the entire truth. Rather i am just moving on...and doing things solo and if when he decides that he is ready and if I happen to be single...then sure I will humor the idea, but some new ground rules will have to be established. And thats about it really. Check ya later.
You go around pretending not to love each other and call each other friend's for the sake of the other person's sanity. It really never has made much sense to me. But then again...if you have been reading this blog for a while now...you should noticed that that this is the cycle he and i have. Which blows. Again...another lonely New Years...with no guy to kiss at that final minute. SO again...this year is starting off badly. But I won't let it get to me. Believe you me...there will be hell to pay for this. As usual...he will probably figure he has sorted his shit out...towards Febuarary...I dunno if I will take him back this time. It just comes down to the fact that if he is sincere about his change...why wasn't he to begin with. It all seems like a huge game to me. Alot of promises and false pretenses. Alot of things that I don't understand, and he is unwilling to clarify. Those things on the other hand could mean the difference between this rift staying inbetween us or not.
I suppose I'm writing this for some sort of feedback...a digital outcry if you will. Though I know there is no point in this...because I know hardly anyone leaves me any sort of comments anymore. I still feel the urge to write about this experience. To help cope or come up with some other solution other than the one I am now faced with. As much as it hurt to let him go, there is always the hope he might come back. But then again...as time keeps ticking away...I'm starting to wonder if I truly want him to come back. If the pattern keeps the same, of course I will be writing the same thing next year, and who knows when the cycle will end. Because at this point I don't see anything changing. I see the same stuff happening again. Basically speaking, i can understand his reasons, but I don't think I should have to accept them. I can do much better than him, even though it seems quite hard. I'm back to listening to Slipknot for the time being. When I'm online sending things out, I often log onto MySpace and listen to the three songs on DJ Starscream's site. Right now...its only the heavy doses of Starscream, Slipknot, Gackt and Lewis Black that is keeping me sane...and that...my crew. I have to leave them Love...The Professor and his crew...for the damn near rescue...I appreciate it. Chris...I've known you for so long and yet still you remain the same. I need people in my life to do that for me. Brad, Max, and Grandma...love ya...love you for your knowledge and wisdom. i wish I could get him to see the same way as you guys do.
What they have all as a collective came up with that he is still a lil boy in the mind, and that he has just grown older. A child can pretend to be an adult...but adults can afford to act like children once and awhile. His confusion on things and the fact that he can never figure out what his priorities are...I dunno. I am leaving the time to discuss things in his hand, and when he feels like he wants my input on this, I will. But for the moment right now...I derno. I don't know where he and I stand, but I know one thing. He might end up standing alone if he waits to long...if he decides that perhaps the situation is a little bit too far out of his reach. Perhaps then...and only then can things move to a new direction. Perhaps then I can believe that he is truly someone worthy of my heart. But until then...it looks like this New Years I will be alone...in the sense that I am going to be with no one. But I will be surrounded by friends...very close and dear friends...and i just don't feel like dealing with the drama right now. Worst enough as is to get your heart broken, but to never know when it will be fixed is another. So while he thinks I am waiting for him...that won't be the entire truth. Rather i am just moving on...and doing things solo and if when he decides that he is ready and if I happen to be single...then sure I will humor the idea, but some new ground rules will have to be established. And thats about it really. Check ya later.