2007 -- i am a very bad girlfriend
Comment anonymously and tell me:
1. One secret.
2. One compliment.
3. One random thing.
4. One love note.
5. Lyrics to a song.
6. How old you are.
7. How long we've known each other/been friends.
8. And a hint to who you are.
i forgot how to do one of those link things where you link this link to the entry page.
and that probably didnt make any sense.
but hello. =]
long time no see.
a lot has happened since that last time.
but i think i just realized that LJ is a place away from xanga, where life is public yet at the same time not so public.
there i can say my feelings and reveal all without revealing all
but here i can reveal most everything.
today is jan 2, 2007, obviously.
it's been quite a while.
a whole year has passed by.
or perhaps two.
dang thats a long time.
well, it's been a year and a month since i've been going out with boaz. [or a year and twenty days as he says]
.....ok, techinically it would be so tomorrow. but since it's today and not tomorrow, im saying it now, so let bygones be bygones, ok?
and in that year and one month, i have learned a lot about relationships.
to be honest, i came into the relationship a little skeptical, because i didn't want this to be some temporary thing where feelings would be hurt and then i would beat myself up for being a complete idiot. i wasnt sure if this was something that i could trust myself with, what with all the experiences that i've already had with my past relationships. aside from that, i was kind of content, because boaz was someone i could trust. but here i am, a year later, still in the same relationship. now i am the type to get bored easily, so this comes as a shock to me. but im still here. so i have to admit, im not the best girlfriend in the entire world and i must say that i think the gender roles in this relationship are a little reversed. i end up being the one forgetting important dates [but temporarily, only because my memory works that way!]. anyway. going back on topic. i realize that boaz is different. out of all the guys ive dated, he's loved me regardless of the faults that i may have. he doesnt care that my boobs are small, he doesnt care that i get my period [hes even bought pads for me once its weird too, because girls always say that they want guys that understand the whole period process. but when they actually find guys that accept that, they find it strange that guys are accepting. kinda funny, isnt it? XP], he doesnt care that i have weird habits, and he doesnt love me any less because of my faults; he loves me more. ive never had a guy who does everything without me asking for me. perhaps it's my age that leads to this type of thinking, but maybe it's not. and he never gets angry. now, im not sure if thats a good thing either hahaha. it's just not part of his nature. the thing that bugs me though is his undecisiveness. hahaha. i think we all are undecisive. but as i get older, i realize how hard it is to be spontaneous when you have a lot going on in your life.
now you can say that my relationship is picture perfect.
....almost.
day by day passes by, and i am constantly afraid of losing him. although i know that he will never leave me, i dont know if i can say the same for myself. i know that sounds wrong, but i dont know myself. i dont know what i want and what i will do. what i do know is that i DONT want to leave him. its as simple as saying that if i dont want to leave him, then dont leave him. hey, id love to do that. but my life doesnt go that way. i would love to stay forever with this guy. but thinking about a future is fast, isnt it? its something nice to fantasize about, but how do i know it'll come true? perhaps whats keeping me from fully committing to this relationship is the fear that it'll end in a split nanosecond. now dont get me wrong, i do give my all to this relationship, but i think the fact that we have a history also keeps me from moving on. i know its best to leave it all behind because its all in the past, but i dont want to get hurt again. and i also know that its stupid to say that, because im only so young and i have so far in life to go, that this is just the beginning. yea, ive been through a lot with boaz, but secretly, i want more. yes, i have imagined a future with him. i imagined a life with him forever, with kids and a sufficient job. i dont know where im going with this but im just saying my thoughts. im scared. im scared of the future. sometimes i just want to stay where i am. sometimes i dont want to have problems with him, and i dont want to create problems either. i love boaz. but ive always asked myself, what is love? perhaps im not loving right. so i turn to scripture.
4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8Love never fails.
lets evaluate. i am patient but maybe not patient enough. i am kind, but maybe not kind enough. i am not the jealous type. i do not delight in evil. perhaps the keeping record of wrongs may have a hold on me. i dont remember everything little bad thing hes done, but i have forgiven him when he has done wrong. i do not love for the benefit of myself. i protect. perhaps i dont trust fully because of my past. im nt sure if i am easily angered, maybe i jump to conclusions?
so are these the reasons why i feel the way i do? is it my faults that keep me from loving fully? do i purposely find faults and pick at them and hurt myself? i really wish i had the courage to just love. without picking at faults. just letting go. without getting paranoid.
anyways that was a lot. i think ill stop there.
............winter break!
as for the year in review. ive had my ups and downs, but i have to say that the year has definitely taught me some good lessons in life. like, God will always give you what you need, even though you might not always want what you need. and i know that last year i did not pay much attention to Him....and i think in those moments i was in my lows...
i dont know....i get so much comfort knowing that someone's always there for me. whether it's God or boaz....even if boaz isnt there for me, God will always heal and provide me comfort.
....God is good.
sorry if its too religious for you.
1. One secret.
2. One compliment.
3. One random thing.
4. One love note.
5. Lyrics to a song.
6. How old you are.
7. How long we've known each other/been friends.
8. And a hint to who you are.
i forgot how to do one of those link things where you link this link to the entry page.
and that probably didnt make any sense.
but hello. =]
long time no see.
a lot has happened since that last time.
but i think i just realized that LJ is a place away from xanga, where life is public yet at the same time not so public.
there i can say my feelings and reveal all without revealing all
but here i can reveal most everything.
today is jan 2, 2007, obviously.
it's been quite a while.
a whole year has passed by.
or perhaps two.
dang thats a long time.
well, it's been a year and a month since i've been going out with boaz. [or a year and twenty days as he says]
.....ok, techinically it would be so tomorrow. but since it's today and not tomorrow, im saying it now, so let bygones be bygones, ok?
and in that year and one month, i have learned a lot about relationships.
to be honest, i came into the relationship a little skeptical, because i didn't want this to be some temporary thing where feelings would be hurt and then i would beat myself up for being a complete idiot. i wasnt sure if this was something that i could trust myself with, what with all the experiences that i've already had with my past relationships. aside from that, i was kind of content, because boaz was someone i could trust. but here i am, a year later, still in the same relationship. now i am the type to get bored easily, so this comes as a shock to me. but im still here. so i have to admit, im not the best girlfriend in the entire world and i must say that i think the gender roles in this relationship are a little reversed. i end up being the one forgetting important dates [but temporarily, only because my memory works that way!]. anyway. going back on topic. i realize that boaz is different. out of all the guys ive dated, he's loved me regardless of the faults that i may have. he doesnt care that my boobs are small, he doesnt care that i get my period [hes even bought pads for me once its weird too, because girls always say that they want guys that understand the whole period process. but when they actually find guys that accept that, they find it strange that guys are accepting. kinda funny, isnt it? XP], he doesnt care that i have weird habits, and he doesnt love me any less because of my faults; he loves me more. ive never had a guy who does everything without me asking for me. perhaps it's my age that leads to this type of thinking, but maybe it's not. and he never gets angry. now, im not sure if thats a good thing either hahaha. it's just not part of his nature. the thing that bugs me though is his undecisiveness. hahaha. i think we all are undecisive. but as i get older, i realize how hard it is to be spontaneous when you have a lot going on in your life.
now you can say that my relationship is picture perfect.
....almost.
day by day passes by, and i am constantly afraid of losing him. although i know that he will never leave me, i dont know if i can say the same for myself. i know that sounds wrong, but i dont know myself. i dont know what i want and what i will do. what i do know is that i DONT want to leave him. its as simple as saying that if i dont want to leave him, then dont leave him. hey, id love to do that. but my life doesnt go that way. i would love to stay forever with this guy. but thinking about a future is fast, isnt it? its something nice to fantasize about, but how do i know it'll come true? perhaps whats keeping me from fully committing to this relationship is the fear that it'll end in a split nanosecond. now dont get me wrong, i do give my all to this relationship, but i think the fact that we have a history also keeps me from moving on. i know its best to leave it all behind because its all in the past, but i dont want to get hurt again. and i also know that its stupid to say that, because im only so young and i have so far in life to go, that this is just the beginning. yea, ive been through a lot with boaz, but secretly, i want more. yes, i have imagined a future with him. i imagined a life with him forever, with kids and a sufficient job. i dont know where im going with this but im just saying my thoughts. im scared. im scared of the future. sometimes i just want to stay where i am. sometimes i dont want to have problems with him, and i dont want to create problems either. i love boaz. but ive always asked myself, what is love? perhaps im not loving right. so i turn to scripture.
4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8Love never fails.
lets evaluate. i am patient but maybe not patient enough. i am kind, but maybe not kind enough. i am not the jealous type. i do not delight in evil. perhaps the keeping record of wrongs may have a hold on me. i dont remember everything little bad thing hes done, but i have forgiven him when he has done wrong. i do not love for the benefit of myself. i protect. perhaps i dont trust fully because of my past. im nt sure if i am easily angered, maybe i jump to conclusions?
so are these the reasons why i feel the way i do? is it my faults that keep me from loving fully? do i purposely find faults and pick at them and hurt myself? i really wish i had the courage to just love. without picking at faults. just letting go. without getting paranoid.
anyways that was a lot. i think ill stop there.
............winter break!
as for the year in review. ive had my ups and downs, but i have to say that the year has definitely taught me some good lessons in life. like, God will always give you what you need, even though you might not always want what you need. and i know that last year i did not pay much attention to Him....and i think in those moments i was in my lows...
i dont know....i get so much comfort knowing that someone's always there for me. whether it's God or boaz....even if boaz isnt there for me, God will always heal and provide me comfort.
....God is good.
sorry if its too religious for you.