That was Then, This is Dumb
Kudos if you get the reference. And I really need a better definition for the word "soon".
Awhile ago, a long while ago, I decided that I'd only post things on here after I had the perfect method of writing down what was on my mind. It now occurs to me that that was dumb. The point of having a journal is to write down what's on your mind, even if it isn't all nice and neatly sorted. And we all know my mind isn't neatly sorted.
I won't attribute my lack of posting to that though. I've not been serious about life for awhile either. I've gone through many of the motions, but my life has not been very exciting these recent days. Nor have I been going in a direction that I'd like to. My head's jumbled, and this used to be where I'd put everything down; both good and bad. At some point, I became paranoid and perfectionist though, so I stopped. Well, let's get started again, because I need to think things through a bit better now.
As sure as waking up everyday will do to me, I'm getting closer to graduating day by day. And everyday that I see my parents, I'm reminded that I need to work harder, get a better paying job so I can foot more of my bills, and eventually go into a career where I'm going to be rich. Of course, I'm also reminded that I should do of this with no loans and as quickly as possible. Before, I handled this rather well because I told myself that the end result is to live comfortably and happily. Times have changed however, as I feel guilty over my decisions. My decision to double major in Japanese and Psychology, and not something which would "gaurantee" a stable, high-ranking income like Business or Finance. Guilty that I ask them for rent money every month just so I can continue living away from them. Guilty that I don't make more money because I haven't done much research into higher paying jobs that would be willing to work around a student's schedule because the one that I have works with things as is so long as I get all 20 hours of work a week. Guilty that I rely on them for insurance of all different kinds because I'm not yet able to handle things on my own. Guilty that I know my majors do not lead into professions that earn more then 120k a year, if I go into the highest paying branch that interests me that I know of, and if I come out on top. And having to continually justify my decisions for going into things which interest me and I like against their arguments of "how much?" and "why are you doing this?" wear me down.
So here I am, getting ready to start my fifth year of college, 8 units left that need to be completed, with grad school apps being needed soon, and I have no idea where I want to steer myself. At some point in the last two years, my confidence in myself eroded away, and I've been struggling to get it back, while at the same time frantically looking for a goal to strive towards. This life thing is staring me in the face, looking me over, sizing me up, and finding me wanting, and I don't know how to better myself. Nay, I have some idea how to better myself, but it seems I've lost the ability to keep my word to even myself somewhere over the last two years. My integrity and confidence evaporated along with any goals I had, and now I have to try and acquire all three, and I'm supposed to do this all in three and a half months.
Ya-huh.
Of course, there's the option of not going to grad school right away. Before, that idea was bolstered with the fact that I'd go to Japan under JET, or something similar to it, and teach English and enjoy myself for 1-3 years. Then again, I also had faith that my family wouldn't be trying to get rid of all my belongings from their house too, although that has since changed, for as the days go by, so does their desire to keep that which I do not immediately need, but would like to save for nostalgic reasons and perhaps give to whatever kids I have someday. Lord knows I don't have much of anything that I can claim is mine, only gifts which have helped sustain me to this point in my life. Even the clothes I wear are gifts because I don't have enough money to buy new ones, but that's the state I'm in. ...I can see where the need for a new job would be good. But that's a different subject for a different day. Anywhoo, I think I've been so long from traveling that I lost my drive to travel and return there. My passion doesn't burn as brightly, as things have dimmed down for me all around it seems.
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Damn it. I lost my train of thought and the fire in my belly when I had to move to a new office. Work may not be the best place to be all contemplative and venty, but I normally don't have much to do here so...
Alright, time to break it down: I gotta get me back on track, and the first step to that one, at least as far as I can see, is by being honest with myself and holding myself to a set of standards. Good standards that I know I can abide by, which will be much easier when I decide to take some time out and listen to myself. I've got mental issues that are interfering with everything, and I just can't have that now can I? Once I understand myself, I can fix myself, then I can set things into their good and proper place. At least, that's what my history has taught me, so that's what I'm going to try and do. Starting today, right after I get off of work, because I still have a job to do. Phone answering and people greeting. Today I'll try once again to be a better me. This is going to be a bumpy road already, I can tell, but damnit I've dealt with worse than this. I'll manage.
Awhile ago, a long while ago, I decided that I'd only post things on here after I had the perfect method of writing down what was on my mind. It now occurs to me that that was dumb. The point of having a journal is to write down what's on your mind, even if it isn't all nice and neatly sorted. And we all know my mind isn't neatly sorted.
I won't attribute my lack of posting to that though. I've not been serious about life for awhile either. I've gone through many of the motions, but my life has not been very exciting these recent days. Nor have I been going in a direction that I'd like to. My head's jumbled, and this used to be where I'd put everything down; both good and bad. At some point, I became paranoid and perfectionist though, so I stopped. Well, let's get started again, because I need to think things through a bit better now.
As sure as waking up everyday will do to me, I'm getting closer to graduating day by day. And everyday that I see my parents, I'm reminded that I need to work harder, get a better paying job so I can foot more of my bills, and eventually go into a career where I'm going to be rich. Of course, I'm also reminded that I should do of this with no loans and as quickly as possible. Before, I handled this rather well because I told myself that the end result is to live comfortably and happily. Times have changed however, as I feel guilty over my decisions. My decision to double major in Japanese and Psychology, and not something which would "gaurantee" a stable, high-ranking income like Business or Finance. Guilty that I ask them for rent money every month just so I can continue living away from them. Guilty that I don't make more money because I haven't done much research into higher paying jobs that would be willing to work around a student's schedule because the one that I have works with things as is so long as I get all 20 hours of work a week. Guilty that I rely on them for insurance of all different kinds because I'm not yet able to handle things on my own. Guilty that I know my majors do not lead into professions that earn more then 120k a year, if I go into the highest paying branch that interests me that I know of, and if I come out on top. And having to continually justify my decisions for going into things which interest me and I like against their arguments of "how much?" and "why are you doing this?" wear me down.
So here I am, getting ready to start my fifth year of college, 8 units left that need to be completed, with grad school apps being needed soon, and I have no idea where I want to steer myself. At some point in the last two years, my confidence in myself eroded away, and I've been struggling to get it back, while at the same time frantically looking for a goal to strive towards. This life thing is staring me in the face, looking me over, sizing me up, and finding me wanting, and I don't know how to better myself. Nay, I have some idea how to better myself, but it seems I've lost the ability to keep my word to even myself somewhere over the last two years. My integrity and confidence evaporated along with any goals I had, and now I have to try and acquire all three, and I'm supposed to do this all in three and a half months.
Ya-huh.
Of course, there's the option of not going to grad school right away. Before, that idea was bolstered with the fact that I'd go to Japan under JET, or something similar to it, and teach English and enjoy myself for 1-3 years. Then again, I also had faith that my family wouldn't be trying to get rid of all my belongings from their house too, although that has since changed, for as the days go by, so does their desire to keep that which I do not immediately need, but would like to save for nostalgic reasons and perhaps give to whatever kids I have someday. Lord knows I don't have much of anything that I can claim is mine, only gifts which have helped sustain me to this point in my life. Even the clothes I wear are gifts because I don't have enough money to buy new ones, but that's the state I'm in. ...I can see where the need for a new job would be good. But that's a different subject for a different day. Anywhoo, I think I've been so long from traveling that I lost my drive to travel and return there. My passion doesn't burn as brightly, as things have dimmed down for me all around it seems.
-------------
Damn it. I lost my train of thought and the fire in my belly when I had to move to a new office. Work may not be the best place to be all contemplative and venty, but I normally don't have much to do here so...
Alright, time to break it down: I gotta get me back on track, and the first step to that one, at least as far as I can see, is by being honest with myself and holding myself to a set of standards. Good standards that I know I can abide by, which will be much easier when I decide to take some time out and listen to myself. I've got mental issues that are interfering with everything, and I just can't have that now can I? Once I understand myself, I can fix myself, then I can set things into their good and proper place. At least, that's what my history has taught me, so that's what I'm going to try and do. Starting today, right after I get off of work, because I still have a job to do. Phone answering and people greeting. Today I'll try once again to be a better me. This is going to be a bumpy road already, I can tell, but damnit I've dealt with worse than this. I'll manage.