My intro

[darianmoon]

I am 28 yrs old and was diagnosed w/ BPD back in 2000. At the time I was lead to believe that this diagnosis was solely because I was extremely dependent upon other people. Since then I have struggled to become a very independent person, thinking that I would no longer have BPD. At the time of diagnosis I was only interested in getting my medications so I didn't pursue therapy, so it was never truly explained to me what BPD is. Since then I have suffered from depression, mood swings, irritibility, ect. Last year everything escalated to the point where I was having episodic rages, hearing a voice and cutting myself. I didn't get counseling then because I didn't think anyone would believe what was going on with me. In March this year, my mom ( who I am extremely close to) was diagnosed with Lukemia and I felt like my whole world had collapsed. My father had passed away when I was 15 from cancer, so this news struck me quite hard. My best friend, Shawn Michael, moved in with me to help me cope, but instead things got worse. I am constantly angry, hearing the voice (who's name is Kara), have constant thoughts of cutting, and physically abusive toward Shawn Michael. I started therapy last month at a local university and I am also scheduled for an intake appointment with a local out patient treatment facility where I will be seeing both a psychiatrist and therapist. Gretchen, the therapist I am currently seeing asked me to tell her about the voice a couple weeks ago and for some reason I felt completely stupid talking about it. I think because the sessions are video taped. On the other hand, the way she asked left me with the feeling that she really didn't believe that i hear this voice. Is it because there is only one voice? I just feel completely alone in all this because no one understands. They just look at me like I'm crazy, which makes me feel even crazier then I already do. I'm hoping to find some common ground here so that I no longer feel so alone. If anyone could offer up some advice as far as getting my therapist to take me seriously in re: to Kara, I would greatly appreciate it. Also if anyone could suggest some good (informative) books on BPD that would be awesome. I think it's about time I found out as much as I can about my diagnosis. I wouldn't be surprised though if it gets changed once I see the other therapist next week. It doesn't matter as long as I can start trying to fix it. Is it even something that can be fixed? Hell, even if I could just get it under control I would feel much better. I hate that I am capable of hurting someone physically and having no rememberance of it at all. That scares me.
Again, I look foward to sharing with everyone and hopefully making some friendships/connections here. Thank you for reading my schpeel. ~ D ~