Thoughts on recent events
So I was originally going to post this as a comment to smoking_man's earlier post but I think this needs to be said not buried in a trail of comments. In light of this recent loss, I was thinking about that choice, that moment when someone decides that the world is too much to take, and death is the only option. I've never been there in a serious way. I've had fleeting moments of "hell, if I were dead, I wouldn't have to deal with [insert painful life stuff] ever again, and it would be done"; the difference for me is that in that moment, the loss of the rest of the world an the people in it was too precious to me to go through with it. Never had a plan. Never sat with a bottle of pills and a glass of water or whiskey and exercised pure will to put both down and go on living. I know people that have, or come close, or been saved from the final act even after they went through with the swallowing but apparently God, the world, or whatever, wasn't done with them yet.
I had a scare a few years back with someone very close to me getting almost to that point of the plan. I have dark memories of frantic searches late at night, and the pure white flash of joy and relief when the search ended successfully, happily. A promise was extracted after that night that such a decision would never be executed without talking to me first, to give me a chance to talk this person out of it. There have been some dark times since, but it's never been that bad, and I thank God for that. I have minor panic attacks that it might happen, and I wouldn't be able to dissuade, and would be left behind flooded with grief.
I think that's what people who go through with suicide don't anticipate, the hole ripped in others' hearts when they commit the final act. The pain that makes them swallow, pull the trigger or whatever hides that thought from them. It might stop them, might not even give them pause. But it's partially what stopped the person to whom I was referring, and why the conversation between us that I mentioned above hasn't ever happened.
So here's what I'm thinking/offering. If you're reading this, you're a friend, and I don't want you to ever think of leaving this world without letting someone talk you out of it. And there's a long list of people behind me. I know it. Before anyone reading this ever tries to exit this world prematurely, call someone. Call me, if you want to. I'll sleep with my cell phone next to my bed until my final breath. If you want that number, there are a few people on my flist that have it. Or I'll be in Texas in April dressed as Grace; I'll break character for this, because you're all too damned important to me. If for some reason I don't answer keep trying. Promise me you won't do the deed until you talk to me, or talk to SOMEONE. The list of people who care about you is long. Keep dialing until someone answers.
I had a scare a few years back with someone very close to me getting almost to that point of the plan. I have dark memories of frantic searches late at night, and the pure white flash of joy and relief when the search ended successfully, happily. A promise was extracted after that night that such a decision would never be executed without talking to me first, to give me a chance to talk this person out of it. There have been some dark times since, but it's never been that bad, and I thank God for that. I have minor panic attacks that it might happen, and I wouldn't be able to dissuade, and would be left behind flooded with grief.
I think that's what people who go through with suicide don't anticipate, the hole ripped in others' hearts when they commit the final act. The pain that makes them swallow, pull the trigger or whatever hides that thought from them. It might stop them, might not even give them pause. But it's partially what stopped the person to whom I was referring, and why the conversation between us that I mentioned above hasn't ever happened.
So here's what I'm thinking/offering. If you're reading this, you're a friend, and I don't want you to ever think of leaving this world without letting someone talk you out of it. And there's a long list of people behind me. I know it. Before anyone reading this ever tries to exit this world prematurely, call someone. Call me, if you want to. I'll sleep with my cell phone next to my bed until my final breath. If you want that number, there are a few people on my flist that have it. Or I'll be in Texas in April dressed as Grace; I'll break character for this, because you're all too damned important to me. If for some reason I don't answer keep trying. Promise me you won't do the deed until you talk to me, or talk to SOMEONE. The list of people who care about you is long. Keep dialing until someone answers.