Lots of odd rambling thoughts
Up until this past Thursday when I began my new job, I've really had nothing but time on my hands (when I wasn't in class, of course). I've done lots and lots of thinking, inner soul searching, and basically trying to figure out who and what I am and where I want to end up.
It's no secret that things have been really really difficult for me the last few months. On top of being sick, moving to Nacogdoches, the stress of school, adjusting to life in a new town, and being beyond worried when it comes to money issues, there's been the break-up with Bill that's been rough and this past Tuesday was Natalie's birthday. Damn, what a sentence.
Anyway, some stuff happened last week that really shook things up. While there are those that may argue with me about what has been going on, there is no one else inside my mind feeling the things I've been feeling but me. Just because I talk about some of the issues and happenings, doesn't necessarily mean that those hearing my thoughts are hearing everything that I am thinking or feeling. Or even hearing about how I feel about those subjects.
Granted, it's pretty easy when it comes to some subjects. Obviously Tuesday was a really difficult day for me. Yes, I would have liked to have been around people, around those understand that I might cry when I talk about Natalie or think about her. That I love and miss her and the possibilities that my life might have held if my daughter had not died.
Yes, it's pretty easy to get that this break up with Bill has not been that great of a thing to me. I fell in love with him when I had no desire to be with any one else ever again. The last two years of my life completely changed because I fell in love with him. It's hard when one day you are told by someone that they love you and yes, actually want to marry you, and then the next they are saying they don't want to be in any kind of committed relationship, with you or any one else. It's even harder when you know that that isn't true.
The thing is, though, while people may *know* these things, no one knows exactly how I feel or think, but me. I've had two marriages end in divorce. I've had my love for another given back to me or treated like it wasn't worth anything to that person, and I got through those situations. And you know? I have managed to stay friends with those people. Some of those relationships have been far better as a friendship than they ever were as an intimate relationship. While I hope that maybe one day that will be the case with Bill and I, I know that even if it doesn't, it won't kill me. It may hurt right now, hell, it may hurt for a long time to come, but I don't need to have someone in my life to feel like I'm worth something.
Maybe I'll one day I'll be in another loving, caring relationship with someone. Maybe I won't. But I know that being part of a couple isn't something that will define who I am. And I definitely do not want to be in a relationship with someone only because I happen to be convenient. If I am with someone, I want it to be because they love me for who I am, because they love being with me, doing things with me, spending time with me, not because they just don't want to be by themselves.
I know a lot of this seems to be aimed directly at one person, but I don't mean it to be like that. This is a journal entry for myself. So I can remind myself that I am ok being by myself. Even if it means that I'll be the crazy old cat lady down the road with a dozen cats and no one else in her life.
A relationship, whether it is only friendship or something more serious, that is not 100% truthful on both sides is not worth becoming something you are not meant to be. I've always believed that, but I lost that somewhere along the way. I lost that when I lost myself.
I'm just glad I've found it again. I am worth far more than what I've allowed myself to become over the last several years.
I wish people would give me a little more credit than they do, at times. While I have been hurt, deeply, this last year, I know that I cannot hang on to something that was not real beyond my own head and heart. And I haven't. Maybe those people will see that, and understand it, some day soon. I'm done with making decisions about what I do based on fear of what others will think or say. This is my life - I need to live it in a way that will make ME happy. I get so caught up in trying to make everyone around me happy that I forget about myself. I can and will no longer do that. I am the only one that has to live my life, I want to be happy with the choices I make because it's something I want to do, not what someone else wants me to do.
/deep thoughts
It's no secret that things have been really really difficult for me the last few months. On top of being sick, moving to Nacogdoches, the stress of school, adjusting to life in a new town, and being beyond worried when it comes to money issues, there's been the break-up with Bill that's been rough and this past Tuesday was Natalie's birthday. Damn, what a sentence.
Anyway, some stuff happened last week that really shook things up. While there are those that may argue with me about what has been going on, there is no one else inside my mind feeling the things I've been feeling but me. Just because I talk about some of the issues and happenings, doesn't necessarily mean that those hearing my thoughts are hearing everything that I am thinking or feeling. Or even hearing about how I feel about those subjects.
Granted, it's pretty easy when it comes to some subjects. Obviously Tuesday was a really difficult day for me. Yes, I would have liked to have been around people, around those understand that I might cry when I talk about Natalie or think about her. That I love and miss her and the possibilities that my life might have held if my daughter had not died.
Yes, it's pretty easy to get that this break up with Bill has not been that great of a thing to me. I fell in love with him when I had no desire to be with any one else ever again. The last two years of my life completely changed because I fell in love with him. It's hard when one day you are told by someone that they love you and yes, actually want to marry you, and then the next they are saying they don't want to be in any kind of committed relationship, with you or any one else. It's even harder when you know that that isn't true.
The thing is, though, while people may *know* these things, no one knows exactly how I feel or think, but me. I've had two marriages end in divorce. I've had my love for another given back to me or treated like it wasn't worth anything to that person, and I got through those situations. And you know? I have managed to stay friends with those people. Some of those relationships have been far better as a friendship than they ever were as an intimate relationship. While I hope that maybe one day that will be the case with Bill and I, I know that even if it doesn't, it won't kill me. It may hurt right now, hell, it may hurt for a long time to come, but I don't need to have someone in my life to feel like I'm worth something.
Maybe I'll one day I'll be in another loving, caring relationship with someone. Maybe I won't. But I know that being part of a couple isn't something that will define who I am. And I definitely do not want to be in a relationship with someone only because I happen to be convenient. If I am with someone, I want it to be because they love me for who I am, because they love being with me, doing things with me, spending time with me, not because they just don't want to be by themselves.
I know a lot of this seems to be aimed directly at one person, but I don't mean it to be like that. This is a journal entry for myself. So I can remind myself that I am ok being by myself. Even if it means that I'll be the crazy old cat lady down the road with a dozen cats and no one else in her life.
A relationship, whether it is only friendship or something more serious, that is not 100% truthful on both sides is not worth becoming something you are not meant to be. I've always believed that, but I lost that somewhere along the way. I lost that when I lost myself.
I'm just glad I've found it again. I am worth far more than what I've allowed myself to become over the last several years.
I wish people would give me a little more credit than they do, at times. While I have been hurt, deeply, this last year, I know that I cannot hang on to something that was not real beyond my own head and heart. And I haven't. Maybe those people will see that, and understand it, some day soon. I'm done with making decisions about what I do based on fear of what others will think or say. This is my life - I need to live it in a way that will make ME happy. I get so caught up in trying to make everyone around me happy that I forget about myself. I can and will no longer do that. I am the only one that has to live my life, I want to be happy with the choices I make because it's something I want to do, not what someone else wants me to do.
/deep thoughts