Shit.
I just remembered a dream I had last night:
I was in a group of people recovering from eating disorders and body image problems. We were talking, and the leader of the group said, "Who still believes that her life is better and more complete when she is thin?"
I was the only one who raised my hand. And I said quietly. "I'm sorry. But I know it's true for me."
Jesus.
I need to go home. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE academia. But it triggers me like nothing else. I need Luke. I need Portland. I need Nikki and Colleen who have seen me at my sickest, at my healthiest, and loved me through it all . . .
What do you do when your passion is also your destruction?
"I was on a mission to be another sort of person, a person whose passions were ascetic rather than hedonistic, who woudl Make It, whose drive and ambition were focused and pure, whose body came second, always, to her mind and her 'art.' I had no patience for my body. I wanted it to go away so that I could be a pure mind, a walking brain, admired and acclaimed for my incredible self-control."
- Marya
*sigh* I think I'm going to try to get back in touch with her. If she can beat this disease after having it for fifteen years, I can kick it's ass too. Sometimes it just helps to hear from someone who has been where I am - almost FOUR YEARS into recovery, and still fighting it 24/7. Someone who acknowledges how hard it i s . . . who knows how hard it is, despite my efforts to try to cover it up.
Oh, Marya. She's coming out with a new book (or maybe two!) soon. God, she's brilliant. Maybe she'll go on another book tour and come back to Boston. Maybe she can get me a job in Minneapolis. A girl can dream, can't she?
I was in a group of people recovering from eating disorders and body image problems. We were talking, and the leader of the group said, "Who still believes that her life is better and more complete when she is thin?"
I was the only one who raised my hand. And I said quietly. "I'm sorry. But I know it's true for me."
Jesus.
I need to go home. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE academia. But it triggers me like nothing else. I need Luke. I need Portland. I need Nikki and Colleen who have seen me at my sickest, at my healthiest, and loved me through it all . . .
What do you do when your passion is also your destruction?
"I was on a mission to be another sort of person, a person whose passions were ascetic rather than hedonistic, who woudl Make It, whose drive and ambition were focused and pure, whose body came second, always, to her mind and her 'art.' I had no patience for my body. I wanted it to go away so that I could be a pure mind, a walking brain, admired and acclaimed for my incredible self-control."
- Marya
*sigh* I think I'm going to try to get back in touch with her. If she can beat this disease after having it for fifteen years, I can kick it's ass too. Sometimes it just helps to hear from someone who has been where I am - almost FOUR YEARS into recovery, and still fighting it 24/7. Someone who acknowledges how hard it i s . . . who knows how hard it is, despite my efforts to try to cover it up.
Oh, Marya. She's coming out with a new book (or maybe two!) soon. God, she's brilliant. Maybe she'll go on another book tour and come back to Boston. Maybe she can get me a job in Minneapolis. A girl can dream, can't she?