FIC: This is not how it is meant to be (D/B, Serena POV)
Title: This is not how it is meant to be
Summary: Serena deals with Dan and Blair. Or doesn’t. Serena POV.
Rating: PG
Word Count: 1700
Notes: I have wanted Serena to go dark phoenix for a long time as I can’t see her getting any other interesting storylines any time soon. Also, I know she is being very sneaky but I’m just sympathising with her at the moment. I’m enjoying her foray into the grey zone.
Serena walks out of the elevator in time to see Dan scrambling back to his side of the couch. Blair, flustered, just looks at her with concern and guilt. She looks back to Dan again after giving Blair what she hopes is a sympathetic smile and thinks, that no, she is not imagining it.
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She is getting better at reacting to interrupting them as that is all she has seemed to do since they started...dating? It feels too flimsy for whatever it is that is going on. Every time she does so, Blair looks stricken and on the verge of tears. And Dan. Well, Dan doesn’t look much of anything.
She misses Blair. She misses hearing about her life. She hears about her search for a new job, about the never-ending conditions from Monaco two months after the divorce, but the subject of Dan, of her real life is unspoken. Serena wills herself to ask every now and then but falters at the last minute. She really wants to hear about it. She really wants to be ok hearing about it. She wants to hear about what they are like together, and what is making Blair so happy. She is proud of the fact that she stepped aside, didn’t cause trouble and knows that Blair is grateful, sees it in every careful consideration of her feelings. Her making sure Serena is out for the night whenever Dan stays over, trying not to look too happy after a phone call, grumbling about Dan to her more than is necessary or even true she suspects. She loves Blair, and she really loves seeing her happy. But she figures she should take things one at a time. She is sure, that eventually, they will be able to talk about it, without Serena biting her tongue and feeling an unfamiliar sickness in her stomach.
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“Let’s go out.” Blair announces one evening, opening the bathroom door whilst she is removing her make-up. She points to the cotton wool in her hand but Blair shoos it away and throws her some eyeliner.
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They are sitting in a dimly lit booth in a bar, laughing about something stupid. Serena feels tipsy and she can see that Blair is plain drunk.
“Where’s..um.?”
“Oh, he had some dinner with his agent. They’re talking about his next work of ‘fiction’.” She exaggerates the word fiction and puts them in speech marks with her fingers.
Serena laughs and feels comfortable. Maybe she can do this.
“So, how are things going with you guys?”
Blair immediately looks guarded. Serena reaches out her hand to Blair’s and smiles, seeing her visibly relax.
“I don’t know S. Can we really talk about this.”
“Yes. We can.” She says with determination. “You’re my best friend in a new relationship which I can tell is making you very happy... this is what best friends do.”
What other things to best friends do she wonders. Sleep with the other’s boyfriend? Push them into wrong relationships? Wound the other in the way that only they know? She and Blair have never really been anyone’s version of best friends.
“Well. Things are going really well. You’re right. I’m happy. I never thought I would be happy just being happy. I get what the big deal is,” she says, eyes downward, mocking herself.
“Blair, you deserve it,” she says, and she means it.
“So how are you doing with the whole thing?” Blair asks her, sipping her drink.
“Well, interrupting you and Dan less often would help,” she jokes. “Most of the time I’m fine, but sometimes, I don’t know, something doesn’t feel right.”
“I’m sorry S. If there is anything I can do to make it easier, just tell me.”
Serena takes a gulp to stop her eyes watering up. “Well, you could tell Dan to look like he gives a shit too for starters.”
“What?”
“Nothing. I’m just drunk. Maybe this was a bad idea.”
“No, what did you mean?” she hears the edge of a fight slip into Blair’s voice.
“Not what you think B. I know that you’re sorry, that you feel terrible whenever I witness anything between you two.”
“But?”
“I wonder what Dan feels. If anything.”
“Well, he also feels terrible about it.”
“Are you sure?” she asks Blair.
“Of course I’m sure. What, you think he gets some kind of pleasure out of it?”
“I don’t think he gets anything out of it. That’s the problem. It’s like he doesn’t consider my feelings at all. You sit there looking so sorry, and he just doesn’t even look at me.”
“What are you saying S?” and Blair’s voice is even and Serena recognises the way the rest of this conversation will go but is too tired and afraid to stop now.
“”I just wonder whether he ever really loved me at all.”
And the moment it is out, she realises how ridiculous she sounds, and how she must have confirmed Blair’s every negative thought about her.
“I didn’t mean that.”
“Yes you did. Don’t take it back. Of course, how could he have really loved you if he now loves me? One thing does not follow the other.”
Serena sighs, “No B. That is not what I meant. I honestly just meant that I wonder how much he cared about me, because right now, he doesn’t seem to care at all. And the fact that you do, that you feel bad, even though you really don’t need to, makes it so much easier for me to deal with it all B. You have no idea. It makes me realise how much you care about me.”
Blair is quiet, and they the walk silently back home, Serena wondering if she said too much and thinking she can’t lose Blair, she’s already lost Dan.
+++++
She is startled by the knock on her door.
“Can I come in?” it’s Dan and Serena feels humiliated.
“Of course. But if this is about anything that Blair may have said, you should just ignore it.”
“She just told me to talk to you. But I should have known to do that by myself.” He sits on the end of her bed and she is taken back to another conversation they had. She guesses they’ve sunk then.
“I’m sorry for being callous with your feelings.” She stops the instinctive need she feels to assure him that he needn’t be, or that it is not that big a deal.
“I was so wrapped up in my issues and feelings I didn’t think of how any of this would affect you. And I know that Blair would have never given us a chance if she didn’t have your blessing. So thank you.”
Serena smiles but it’s not really what she wants to hear. She feels pathetic and selfish.
“Serena, you were my first love. I mean, you were everything for me. And I love the fact that we will always be in each other’s life.” Serena feels like she is hearing a carefully rehearsed speech and she wants to shout in frustration. But then again, Dan did always have more power than he thought he did in their relationship. She knows, of course she knows that they would never work. And she is not blind; she can see how perfect Blair and Dan are together. What is wrong with her?
“Do you love her more than you loved me?”
“Serena.” Dan looks annoyed and scared. She doesn’t even know why she is asking this, she knows the answer.
“I’m sorry. Really. It’s just that sometimes I wonder if Gossip Girl was right.” Serena feels tears falling and hopes Dan doesn’t come any closer, as she can’t deal with his kindness on top of everything.
“What do you mean?” and he says it so softly that it almost feels like it used to.
“About me being irrelevant. I don’t understand all these changes that are happening. I keep trying to do the right thing, find direction, make something of myself and I always fail.”
“What are you talking about? You’re doing great. Do you think any of us have got it together? We’re all just muddling along. Your friends care about you and that makes you relevant.” You don’t anymore, she just stops herself from saying.
“I care about you.” Dan says reading her mind. “Maybe not in the same way as before but not in a lesser way.”
She’s not convinced but doesn’t say anything. There is a soft knock on her bedroom door and Blair walks in. Serena can’t help it, but she is not too sorry that Blair finds Dan leaning towards her, her hands in his, with a concerned expression. Dan keeps holding her hands though, like he doesn’t care what Blair thinks, or rather knows that Blair won’t be bothered by it, which is worse. Serena grabs her hands away and wipes her eyes.
“Are you ok S?” Blair asks her with the same concern she used to use when Serena was a wreck all those years ago. The thing is, Serena had gotten used to being the relatively stable one in their relationship. She almost can’t remember being the total mess that Blair and everyone else had to repeatedly save. But now, those old feelings are coming back, and it’s all wrapped up in Dan again.
“I was just moaning about Gossip Girl. Dan was telling me not to be so stupid.”
“Well, you won’t hear me say this often, but he’s right.” Blair says looking at Dan and he smiles at her.
No, he’s not, she wants to scream. You’re with the man I love and just because you were open about it and did everything the proper way doesn’t make it hurt less. It just means I have to be ok with it. And I’m not. Instead she gives a small laugh and sinks back onto the bed.