what.
This is an unusual thing for me to do. I don't usually air out these kind of thoughts in person, let alone on the internet. But this is me being real, and being concerned.
I don't think I'm picky and I don't think I have a long list of requirements when it comes to dating. In fact, I think I'm pretty easy. It's easy for me to find things I like about other people and once I start to date someone you basically have to shoot me with a tranquilizer gun before I'll throw in the towel and truly stop trying to do what I can to make it work. Theoretically, I shouldn't have to look far for a boyfriend. I should always be able to find a satisfying relationship because I don't have a type or a ridiculous list of necessities.
However, I have come to find that the basic principles of faithfulness, honesty, compassion, etc. - Things that to me seem like common sense and that should come naturally without much struggle or effort - are considered unreasonable expectations by most guys that I have tried to work something out with.
Don't get me wrong, I am completely willing to entertain the idea that I am not trying to date the right kind of guys, as opposed to making a bold generalization about the entire gender - Because there's nothing I hate more than when a guy says, "Girls always say I'm too nice, so I'm just going to be be asshole. Girls always go for assholes." This mentality is an epidemic. I cannot tell you how many times I've had this conversation with a guy before. Even if I'm not interested in the guy I'm talking to, I cannot keep myself from saying, "No, I'm pretty sure I'd be just fine if a guy was just nice to me. Maybe you're going for the wrong girls." and, without fail, they poo poo me and respond as if it would be much easier to just "become" an asshole. Like at the end of Grease or something. Is this an excuse they are using to be a dick? Is it some kind of pick-up strategy? I don't get it. Are we supposed to want to prove them wrong?
My point is that I realize my experiences don't speak for the ultimate truth about men. Nevertheless, many of them have been congruent. And yet, I don't know why I'm still always so blind-sided and surprised when a guy makes a fuss about doing things that really require little to no effort - like, hey. Don't text other girls while I'm sitting right next to you. I don't care who they are or how long you've known them. If they aren't your mother or your sister, it's considered rude - and furthermore, it sends a message to the girl you're sitting next to. Or hey, please don't invite your friends to hang out without telling me so that they show up with no warning while I'm ready to spend bow chicka wow wow alone time with you. It's kind of inconsiderate. You get the picture - well, hopefully you do.
I definitely let a guy know I notice these things and I don't appreciate them before I end a relationship, because as I've already mentioned, I'm kind of a sucker and I don't tend to give up until it's totally hopeless. Sometimes I'm not diplomatic about it - at all. But if I bring it up to a guy and he immediately starts arguing with me about it, that indicates to me that he isn't even considering making the slight alteration to change what he's doing and keep me happy. And that gets me pretty jacked. Because, to me, it's like I'm asking you to pass the salt and pepper. It's not a big deal, it's common sense stuff.
I don't understand why I'm unreasonable for wanting to be treated with basic level respect. In fact, these 'requests' (?) are often met with sort of dramatic aversion and even anger. They seem surprised. Do other girls not have these expectations anymore? Am I the only one enforcing these ideals? To me, it's not even feminism, it's just humanism.
Aside from basic, foundational chemistry that's necessary between two people, all I really care about is that a guy genuinely likes me and cares for me. I don't care about money or if I don't like your new haircut or if you crack your gum. I just want to feel cared about, and if you care about me, then all the rest of the expectations I would have should come naturally. It should be easy and painless to just NOT do things that will clearly upset me - me, or any other girl who gives a shit about you or herself.
I don't even remember the last time I got into an argument with a friend. To fight is not my MO - quite the opposite, as I seem to typically come out more bruised than the other person. But I do expect to be treated right, because things like effort, patience and consideration go a long way with me. When I care about someone, I'm as generous as I possibly can be - whether through things like money and gas or through making a lot of time for the other person and putting forth a genuine effort. I think I'm totally capable of being in a steady relationship. In fact, I have been in relatively recent history.
For some reason, I still have a hard time with this reaction from men. It still hurts my feelings and I still feel guilty and responsible even though I'm not really doing anything unusual or wrong. I still take it personally, even though it probably has nothing to really do with me. I still wonder what I could do better. I still try to understand why the other person feels like I'm asking too much and try to assess what I'm asking for and how reasonable it really is. I think it's because I believe that if I can come up with a reason why it stems from something I'm doing wrong, I can fix it. I can change it and make it better and be happy. And it's not just because our generation is in a sad state. I would rather it be about me.
I don't think I'm picky and I don't think I have a long list of requirements when it comes to dating. In fact, I think I'm pretty easy. It's easy for me to find things I like about other people and once I start to date someone you basically have to shoot me with a tranquilizer gun before I'll throw in the towel and truly stop trying to do what I can to make it work. Theoretically, I shouldn't have to look far for a boyfriend. I should always be able to find a satisfying relationship because I don't have a type or a ridiculous list of necessities.
However, I have come to find that the basic principles of faithfulness, honesty, compassion, etc. - Things that to me seem like common sense and that should come naturally without much struggle or effort - are considered unreasonable expectations by most guys that I have tried to work something out with.
Don't get me wrong, I am completely willing to entertain the idea that I am not trying to date the right kind of guys, as opposed to making a bold generalization about the entire gender - Because there's nothing I hate more than when a guy says, "Girls always say I'm too nice, so I'm just going to be be asshole. Girls always go for assholes." This mentality is an epidemic. I cannot tell you how many times I've had this conversation with a guy before. Even if I'm not interested in the guy I'm talking to, I cannot keep myself from saying, "No, I'm pretty sure I'd be just fine if a guy was just nice to me. Maybe you're going for the wrong girls." and, without fail, they poo poo me and respond as if it would be much easier to just "become" an asshole. Like at the end of Grease or something. Is this an excuse they are using to be a dick? Is it some kind of pick-up strategy? I don't get it. Are we supposed to want to prove them wrong?
My point is that I realize my experiences don't speak for the ultimate truth about men. Nevertheless, many of them have been congruent. And yet, I don't know why I'm still always so blind-sided and surprised when a guy makes a fuss about doing things that really require little to no effort - like, hey. Don't text other girls while I'm sitting right next to you. I don't care who they are or how long you've known them. If they aren't your mother or your sister, it's considered rude - and furthermore, it sends a message to the girl you're sitting next to. Or hey, please don't invite your friends to hang out without telling me so that they show up with no warning while I'm ready to spend bow chicka wow wow alone time with you. It's kind of inconsiderate. You get the picture - well, hopefully you do.
I definitely let a guy know I notice these things and I don't appreciate them before I end a relationship, because as I've already mentioned, I'm kind of a sucker and I don't tend to give up until it's totally hopeless. Sometimes I'm not diplomatic about it - at all. But if I bring it up to a guy and he immediately starts arguing with me about it, that indicates to me that he isn't even considering making the slight alteration to change what he's doing and keep me happy. And that gets me pretty jacked. Because, to me, it's like I'm asking you to pass the salt and pepper. It's not a big deal, it's common sense stuff.
I don't understand why I'm unreasonable for wanting to be treated with basic level respect. In fact, these 'requests' (?) are often met with sort of dramatic aversion and even anger. They seem surprised. Do other girls not have these expectations anymore? Am I the only one enforcing these ideals? To me, it's not even feminism, it's just humanism.
Aside from basic, foundational chemistry that's necessary between two people, all I really care about is that a guy genuinely likes me and cares for me. I don't care about money or if I don't like your new haircut or if you crack your gum. I just want to feel cared about, and if you care about me, then all the rest of the expectations I would have should come naturally. It should be easy and painless to just NOT do things that will clearly upset me - me, or any other girl who gives a shit about you or herself.
I don't even remember the last time I got into an argument with a friend. To fight is not my MO - quite the opposite, as I seem to typically come out more bruised than the other person. But I do expect to be treated right, because things like effort, patience and consideration go a long way with me. When I care about someone, I'm as generous as I possibly can be - whether through things like money and gas or through making a lot of time for the other person and putting forth a genuine effort. I think I'm totally capable of being in a steady relationship. In fact, I have been in relatively recent history.
For some reason, I still have a hard time with this reaction from men. It still hurts my feelings and I still feel guilty and responsible even though I'm not really doing anything unusual or wrong. I still take it personally, even though it probably has nothing to really do with me. I still wonder what I could do better. I still try to understand why the other person feels like I'm asking too much and try to assess what I'm asking for and how reasonable it really is. I think it's because I believe that if I can come up with a reason why it stems from something I'm doing wrong, I can fix it. I can change it and make it better and be happy. And it's not just because our generation is in a sad state. I would rather it be about me.