a meeting at last
ok so first off let me just say how much i miss everyone and i cant wait to see them when i return home at the end of the month. To the graduating seniors i am so proud of you and feel awful that i wont be there physically to share in the moment. But i am definetly there with all of you in spirit.
I leave tomorrow morning for Boston. A trip that still hasnt truly hit me yet. I am going there for some form of justice i have been in search of and also for the closure i have needed these past 5 years. I last saw my father in January of my sophmore year, its seems like even longer. I am not the same person i was back then in any sense and sadly im sure he is still the horrible person he has always been., one that takes everything there is to take from those he supposedly loves and cared about. my father, whom embesled all of my college money that had been saved since before i was born, stolen my bat mitzvah money that was suppoed to be used for my education, and completelty crushed every bit of trust i could have ever had with him. I look back on the time in which i was closer to him than my mom, and how much i loved him and thought he was the perfect dad. How wrong i was...he is not even human to me. I think that i needed to write this for my own sanity and not for any means of earning your pity. I just had to write, its an outlet. I fly tomorrow and prepare for court, which most likely will end up in seeing my father walk away in handcuffs to his awaiting prison cell. i hope that is how it will go, it has to. I cant comprehend the idea of seeing him, since i hadvent heard or had any means of contact with him all this time. Its funny how i feel like more of an adult that he ever could be. i sit back thinking that i cant possibly understand how he could just have done all these horrible things to my family and to me. I think about the idea of speaking before a judge and having the strange opportunity to discuss why i am pursuing a career in law. I want to work in criminal justice system to ensure miserable excuses for human beings such as my father dont slip through the cracks and get punished for the crimes to prevent further pain and suffering of others and previous victims. I dont know how the trip will go, i dont know how i will react to seeing his face, i dont know...alot of things...all i know is that im scared...i say that lightly but deep down i start shaking because i dont know how to be. I keep telling myself i am stronger than i used to be...but how does one concur a fear that hasnt reared its ugly face for so long, how does one face a fear that is a person whom was suppoed to pretect me from the bad things of the world, not bring them in....i guess thats it...this week will probablly affect me for the rest of my life...and i dont know how that will be...
I leave tomorrow morning for Boston. A trip that still hasnt truly hit me yet. I am going there for some form of justice i have been in search of and also for the closure i have needed these past 5 years. I last saw my father in January of my sophmore year, its seems like even longer. I am not the same person i was back then in any sense and sadly im sure he is still the horrible person he has always been., one that takes everything there is to take from those he supposedly loves and cared about. my father, whom embesled all of my college money that had been saved since before i was born, stolen my bat mitzvah money that was suppoed to be used for my education, and completelty crushed every bit of trust i could have ever had with him. I look back on the time in which i was closer to him than my mom, and how much i loved him and thought he was the perfect dad. How wrong i was...he is not even human to me. I think that i needed to write this for my own sanity and not for any means of earning your pity. I just had to write, its an outlet. I fly tomorrow and prepare for court, which most likely will end up in seeing my father walk away in handcuffs to his awaiting prison cell. i hope that is how it will go, it has to. I cant comprehend the idea of seeing him, since i hadvent heard or had any means of contact with him all this time. Its funny how i feel like more of an adult that he ever could be. i sit back thinking that i cant possibly understand how he could just have done all these horrible things to my family and to me. I think about the idea of speaking before a judge and having the strange opportunity to discuss why i am pursuing a career in law. I want to work in criminal justice system to ensure miserable excuses for human beings such as my father dont slip through the cracks and get punished for the crimes to prevent further pain and suffering of others and previous victims. I dont know how the trip will go, i dont know how i will react to seeing his face, i dont know...alot of things...all i know is that im scared...i say that lightly but deep down i start shaking because i dont know how to be. I keep telling myself i am stronger than i used to be...but how does one concur a fear that hasnt reared its ugly face for so long, how does one face a fear that is a person whom was suppoed to pretect me from the bad things of the world, not bring them in....i guess thats it...this week will probablly affect me for the rest of my life...and i dont know how that will be...