(no subject)
In a little over 2 hours, or a little over 1 hour, depending which time zone convention you're using, I'll be turning 20. Either way, I am in my final moments of being a teenager. I don't understand why turning 20 isn't really a big deal. I mean, yes, 21 is huge obviously, but 20 kind of gets swept to the side and ends up being the empty space between being a teenager and being able to drink legally. I'm think of the 19 to 20 transition as being like the 12 to 13, except with the added weight of having made it through the journey and lived to tell about it.
When I turned 13 I was in middle school, had just gotten my braces off, had a sweet haircut, was underachieving in my classes, was kind of sort of starting to see my first boyfriend. To celebrate I went to Six Flags with a bunch of people I barely talk to anymore. I had either not yet met or not yet bonded with many of the people who are now my closest friends. I was listening to Destiny's Child and Eden's Crush and I had never been kissed.
And now? I don't know. I spent the day hungover and staring out the window. I planned to go a friend's birthday dinner, but instead I lay in bed for 2 hours and cried just thinking about tomorrow. I have two problems sets due tomorrow that I haven't done. People keep texting me asking what I'm doing tonight. I can't decide if I want to "celebrate" my birthday by going to sleep before midnight or waging the most intense war against my liver that I can without landing in the hospital again.
Why is this the decision I have to make? Why aren't I one of those people who reacts favorably to their birthday, using it as a reason to celebrate their existence instead of systematically breaking down every failure they've incurred in the past year? Not that I ever really gave it much thought, but if my 12 year old self had taken the time to make predictions, I'm sure this isn't where I would have pictured myself at 20.
On the other hand, I think at this point I've gotten all I can out of being a teenager. I've made some really brutal mistakes and learned some really important lessons. I've changed my mind at least once a day, every day. I've been all sorts of things I didn't want to be at the time and never want to be again. I grabbed the whole angst thing by the balls and shook it for all it was worth. There's nothing left to do but grow up. I guess it's time.
I'm older, I'm wiser, and I'm still a mess. But I think I'll be okay.
And I think I'm going to go with the intense alcohol consumption option.
When I turned 13 I was in middle school, had just gotten my braces off, had a sweet haircut, was underachieving in my classes, was kind of sort of starting to see my first boyfriend. To celebrate I went to Six Flags with a bunch of people I barely talk to anymore. I had either not yet met or not yet bonded with many of the people who are now my closest friends. I was listening to Destiny's Child and Eden's Crush and I had never been kissed.
And now? I don't know. I spent the day hungover and staring out the window. I planned to go a friend's birthday dinner, but instead I lay in bed for 2 hours and cried just thinking about tomorrow. I have two problems sets due tomorrow that I haven't done. People keep texting me asking what I'm doing tonight. I can't decide if I want to "celebrate" my birthday by going to sleep before midnight or waging the most intense war against my liver that I can without landing in the hospital again.
Why is this the decision I have to make? Why aren't I one of those people who reacts favorably to their birthday, using it as a reason to celebrate their existence instead of systematically breaking down every failure they've incurred in the past year? Not that I ever really gave it much thought, but if my 12 year old self had taken the time to make predictions, I'm sure this isn't where I would have pictured myself at 20.
On the other hand, I think at this point I've gotten all I can out of being a teenager. I've made some really brutal mistakes and learned some really important lessons. I've changed my mind at least once a day, every day. I've been all sorts of things I didn't want to be at the time and never want to be again. I grabbed the whole angst thing by the balls and shook it for all it was worth. There's nothing left to do but grow up. I guess it's time.
I'm older, I'm wiser, and I'm still a mess. But I think I'll be okay.
And I think I'm going to go with the intense alcohol consumption option.