(no subject)
so here's the story.
last sunday night i was going to go to the Bone Thugs concert with a group of my friends. we pregamed with gin and juice, which i am clearly not gangsta enough for because i ended up in the hospital. i don't know the full story of what happened because it hasn't seemed appropriate to ask, but i did glean the details that the police were in my room and everybody was really freaked out and i had to take an ambulance. i think i woke up briefly in the ambulance because i do have a brief flash of memory from transport, although im not sure how much is just fabricated based on what i imagine might have happened. i do know that i woke up in the hospital, drunk and disoriented, alone and unsure of where i was or how i had gotten there. i looked down to see all sorts of wires, ivs, electrodes stuck to my chest, an oxygen monitor on my finger. i was terrified beyond comprehension, so in my inebriated state i dealt with it by ripping out the ivs and electrodes and crying hysterically and screaming. it was the single worst experience of my entire life.
but of course, with anything like that theres also the shitty aftermath. my parents were worried but understanding. my body is covered in random bruises and track marks. the president of my sorority took it upon herself to make the situation way worse than it already was by announcing the incident at chapter (she didnt mention my name, but still, everybody knew). i guess she felt that she had the right to do that because she came and picked me up at 6:50 am on monday, but honestly i didnt ask her to do anything for me and even after a night alone in the hospital i would still rather have walked home, barefoot and drunk, than have had her be the first person i saw. furthermore, i think that this event has permanently marred, if not ruined, my friendships with the girls who took care of me, who were previously 3 of my closest friends at this school. yeah, it happened, and it sucked, but we have to pick up the pieces and move on or else we stop living. but i can just feel that our friendships are never going to be the same.
in a way, i guess its necessary for every teenager to have a realization of their own mortality sometime before their 20th birthday. being invincible is such a teenage conception, and yet before this past weekend i legitimately felt like i was. i feel different now in ways that i cant entirely verbalize, but that manifest themselves when im walking alone in the dark and feel a fear creep into my chest where fear never previously resided. it also kind of sucks that this enlightenment is coinciding with my pre-20-almost-not-a-teenager-anymore existential crisis. that may sound melodramatic, but i legitimately do feel as if im having some sort of crisis. re-evaluation, perhaps. and perhaps it was necessary, but ultimately somethings necessity doesn't negate how painful it may be.
new story, old conclusion: i feel perpetually alone.
last sunday night i was going to go to the Bone Thugs concert with a group of my friends. we pregamed with gin and juice, which i am clearly not gangsta enough for because i ended up in the hospital. i don't know the full story of what happened because it hasn't seemed appropriate to ask, but i did glean the details that the police were in my room and everybody was really freaked out and i had to take an ambulance. i think i woke up briefly in the ambulance because i do have a brief flash of memory from transport, although im not sure how much is just fabricated based on what i imagine might have happened. i do know that i woke up in the hospital, drunk and disoriented, alone and unsure of where i was or how i had gotten there. i looked down to see all sorts of wires, ivs, electrodes stuck to my chest, an oxygen monitor on my finger. i was terrified beyond comprehension, so in my inebriated state i dealt with it by ripping out the ivs and electrodes and crying hysterically and screaming. it was the single worst experience of my entire life.
but of course, with anything like that theres also the shitty aftermath. my parents were worried but understanding. my body is covered in random bruises and track marks. the president of my sorority took it upon herself to make the situation way worse than it already was by announcing the incident at chapter (she didnt mention my name, but still, everybody knew). i guess she felt that she had the right to do that because she came and picked me up at 6:50 am on monday, but honestly i didnt ask her to do anything for me and even after a night alone in the hospital i would still rather have walked home, barefoot and drunk, than have had her be the first person i saw. furthermore, i think that this event has permanently marred, if not ruined, my friendships with the girls who took care of me, who were previously 3 of my closest friends at this school. yeah, it happened, and it sucked, but we have to pick up the pieces and move on or else we stop living. but i can just feel that our friendships are never going to be the same.
in a way, i guess its necessary for every teenager to have a realization of their own mortality sometime before their 20th birthday. being invincible is such a teenage conception, and yet before this past weekend i legitimately felt like i was. i feel different now in ways that i cant entirely verbalize, but that manifest themselves when im walking alone in the dark and feel a fear creep into my chest where fear never previously resided. it also kind of sucks that this enlightenment is coinciding with my pre-20-almost-not-a-teenager-anymore existential crisis. that may sound melodramatic, but i legitimately do feel as if im having some sort of crisis. re-evaluation, perhaps. and perhaps it was necessary, but ultimately somethings necessity doesn't negate how painful it may be.
new story, old conclusion: i feel perpetually alone.