the Last step in YOUR patteRn...
GoShhh, it has been a very Long week. Kind of crappy but fun at the same time. i just been keeping myself busy to keep shit off my mind. i don't know why i am so shocked by all of this, after all, i saw this comming. i guess my head is always telling me but something inside of me is always blocking everything out. it's just that i THOUGHT by not being with someone or always holding back from being hurt in the past would keep me from being hurt again..i was WRONG. i thought that by preparing myself for shit to happen that it wouldn't. kind of ashame.
I said i would never regret anything in my life, because everything happens for a reason. But it's so hard to not regret shit, i guess it's more the less just wishing i could go back. i just wish that i would have made things stay the way they were, i was happy there and it avioded the thought of being scared to be hurt again. i can take the pain, but the thing that gets me is the fact of hating someone so much that you once were *in Love* with. it's easier to keep things "cool" then to try and start something HOPING that things will be different. Why risk the little you have left just to make into absolutley NOTHING but hate. i really am not a hateful person although i can be a bitch. i guess it's just that i confince myself in some way that somehow this is MY fault, thjat i shouldn't have let it get this far because deep down the whole time i knew it would come to this. i guess it's just a little part of me hoped i would be prooved *WRONG* JUST ONCE. and also it's like i was fine where i was...i was finalyl happy and i was finally moved on and if i wouldn't have let emotions and confusion get to me i would be soo over shit by now. i will never REGRET anything that happend, i just WISH things could be different.
ONE good thing about all of this..i learned. i learned ssoo much. i always say that and each time it's true but it's like this time was soo different. Even though i STILL hurt it's like weird because i feel so different about this time. it's all still the same, but in so many ways it's NOT. it's more mature. it's like fiinally RELIZED. i just see now that if you care about someone--no matter what they do--you will ALWAYS care about them and ALWAYS love them, even if you HATE them. BUT there comes a time where you have to draw a line, and just because you have put up wiht alot doesn't mean you HAVE to put up wiht it all the time. THings change and so do people. i have come to realize that TALKING doesn't alwyas solve everything--it takes 2 people to solve something--Both have to want it. if one person blows it off and thinks that it will solve itself and the person who always wants to talk gives up and doesn't then the other has to care enough about someone to be the bigger peron.
it's like people have to total wrong idea about shit. i know i can be very immature sometimes but alot of times it's just my way of dealing with the hurt is to yell or to make jokes out of it. BUt other people that don't do shit so MATURELY as they think shouldn't be such hipocrits. i remember times that you didn't deal with things so well yourself..adn still don't. it's liek they don't even see what is such the big thing--they think it's about HER and its not. NOt AT ALL anymore. i can really care less. it's more of having respect for people that you care about--having the decency AND BALLS to say how you feel know matter how much it hurts. Some people just can't FACE the truth. if you feel a certain way ro want thingss a certain way-- you need to TALK about it, let the other person know. People are NOT sycics. it's not just "understood" unless YOU make it understood. the only reason ANYTHING was even half way fucking understood was because after about 4 days- -i had to be a better person and what do i get ((yeah what up)). Let me tell you it was real UNDERSTOOD.
The other things is just the point--it's funny how nothing is there, but as SOOON as things are so called "understood" even if they were, who's the first one that is back in the picture? it could be ANYONE else..but no. and I, Me, MYSELF, DARA MAURO, i am an overthinker..i just ASSUME things. it's funny how one day when i am around it's nothing but fighting between these people but as soon as i'm gone--it's MORE.
and i believe the best part if when YOUR CAUGHT-but i am the one who needs to GROW Up. i LOVE it. Maybe i wouldn't have to act like that if i didnt't get FUCKED countless times. and another good part is when a certain person THINKS everything is about them, but it's far from it. i am over with that shit. They may be the main PART in it but i can really care less-- i just deal with pain by having fun and being with my friend who i LOVe so fuckin much--and i don't believe it's IMMATURE i just think it's a way to DEAL. We just act stupid and say stupid shit. Oh well. Cause if you ask me--being a fuckin pussy and not being able to even tell someone how you feel about something beofre you just, go back, is kind of immature to me. OHhh and the best thing is i see where people get the shit. i Love how people talk shit about people behind their backs but then when there around they are theyre best fuckin friend--which is a shame consideing the age difference, but thats with anyone. in this situation especially is just worse. i LOVE how it is okay for someone to THROW shit at you adn run over it @ 2 in the morning--wake everyone in the house and neighborhood up after peeling out and breakin shit--but i honk a damn horn and i am about to get cops called on me. LOVELY. and i LOVe how my mom is the bad one in this, if you ask me MY mom was prettyu fuckin understanding considering all the shit she's watched me go through--but who seeys that we just LOVE the mom who talks shit about everyone and says there syco btu is best friends with them after..
One thing thats differents is that i see it, and i am happy. i am hurt of course who wouldn't be? and sometiems i DO just sit and cry or think about how it got like this. but deep down i know that things are going to work out for me- i know this is a part of life and i KNOW that it is time to MOOVe on.i was MORE than half way there before someone knocked my walldown again--but they didn't do as good of a job this time those bricks was built up pretty strong and tall so i know i will build them back up and get where i want to be. it is sad when something that was once so good has to end so badley but its life --it's love. and i used to torture myself with the things that i would think about and how i would think it was all fake--i know i was lied to and i know that the whole time i was right about almost everything,but at the same time no matter how much of an aass people can be and no matter the shit you do or say --i know the love was real. i used to doubt so many things but i know how it is now,and deep down i know that this person tried. i know that they really did want better but they just don't know hoe to make it that way, sometimes i
wish they could have just told me and thinggs wouldn't have to be like this but the fact is they are. but i know despite all of that that this person DOES care, and that they sit and think about too even if they are always busy adn i kwno that this other person could never mean half as muhc as did. i watch some of my closest friends screw up wonderful things they have because they think they might love someone else, they don't love the other one any less they just think that they are IN LOVE with 2 people. The fact is you only are IN LOVE with one person but you can LOVe just about anyone that you CARe about. also people confuse LUST with love and think that because the attracton and friendship and caring os there for that peron that maybe more can be ..but sometimes the person is missing that the other person that is right there for them and will do anything to be with them. They take that peroson for grnated because they would rather the challenge or because they are confused and they don't really realize that the other one they think they care for will NEVER come close to the one that is there all along. People always THINK that they can just be friends with people cause they will always care but it doesn't work--can't work. idf what you have for someone is real you can't just be friends, you may be civil but you can't be close or hang out because it don't work. i see it in sooomany people, even people i am not close to.That's the way things Have to be and the way they will be--and ssooon enough it will all be over and everyone kind of starts there own new life. i am going to be a juinor this year and as much as i HATE school and am ready to get the FUCK out, i am still exited. i am ready to moove and ready to start OVER.
it's weird because usually i HAVE to TALK. usually, i would have to tell someone how i feel, i would HAve to get my closure--which pisses me off alot because things chould have been left like they were before, i got my closure & i felt AMAZING i was so happy. but i know i can build that up again, it's just now i KNOW there is no reason for closure, no point in telling someon how you feel becasue once it's at this point it no longer matetrs..whats in my head NO ONE will understand, sometimes even I don't get ME..but i am learning adn i'm glad i can concentrate on myself for now. but even though i don't give my whole little speach or anything i still ahve to eventually get it oout and to me writing is my way to escape..art...writing..and music. Drugs can be too but i don't like to depend on anything like that...you don't esccape because you still think about it, you just kid of are able to see things different. i don't know but i have been havingso much fun with my friends and i am keeping my mind of alot of things, this is the first time i actaully sat down and THOUGHT about things.
i got my eye on you...;)
This may have turned out long but i just got back from going with Ashley & Mary after being almost done and typed more...lol
mm hmm well i am out nigguh!
I said i would never regret anything in my life, because everything happens for a reason. But it's so hard to not regret shit, i guess it's more the less just wishing i could go back. i just wish that i would have made things stay the way they were, i was happy there and it avioded the thought of being scared to be hurt again. i can take the pain, but the thing that gets me is the fact of hating someone so much that you once were *in Love* with. it's easier to keep things "cool" then to try and start something HOPING that things will be different. Why risk the little you have left just to make into absolutley NOTHING but hate. i really am not a hateful person although i can be a bitch. i guess it's just that i confince myself in some way that somehow this is MY fault, thjat i shouldn't have let it get this far because deep down the whole time i knew it would come to this. i guess it's just a little part of me hoped i would be prooved *WRONG* JUST ONCE. and also it's like i was fine where i was...i was finalyl happy and i was finally moved on and if i wouldn't have let emotions and confusion get to me i would be soo over shit by now. i will never REGRET anything that happend, i just WISH things could be different.
ONE good thing about all of this..i learned. i learned ssoo much. i always say that and each time it's true but it's like this time was soo different. Even though i STILL hurt it's like weird because i feel so different about this time. it's all still the same, but in so many ways it's NOT. it's more mature. it's like fiinally RELIZED. i just see now that if you care about someone--no matter what they do--you will ALWAYS care about them and ALWAYS love them, even if you HATE them. BUT there comes a time where you have to draw a line, and just because you have put up wiht alot doesn't mean you HAVE to put up wiht it all the time. THings change and so do people. i have come to realize that TALKING doesn't alwyas solve everything--it takes 2 people to solve something--Both have to want it. if one person blows it off and thinks that it will solve itself and the person who always wants to talk gives up and doesn't then the other has to care enough about someone to be the bigger peron.
it's like people have to total wrong idea about shit. i know i can be very immature sometimes but alot of times it's just my way of dealing with the hurt is to yell or to make jokes out of it. BUt other people that don't do shit so MATURELY as they think shouldn't be such hipocrits. i remember times that you didn't deal with things so well yourself..adn still don't. it's liek they don't even see what is such the big thing--they think it's about HER and its not. NOt AT ALL anymore. i can really care less. it's more of having respect for people that you care about--having the decency AND BALLS to say how you feel know matter how much it hurts. Some people just can't FACE the truth. if you feel a certain way ro want thingss a certain way-- you need to TALK about it, let the other person know. People are NOT sycics. it's not just "understood" unless YOU make it understood. the only reason ANYTHING was even half way fucking understood was because after about 4 days- -i had to be a better person and what do i get ((yeah what up)). Let me tell you it was real UNDERSTOOD.
The other things is just the point--it's funny how nothing is there, but as SOOON as things are so called "understood" even if they were, who's the first one that is back in the picture? it could be ANYONE else..but no. and I, Me, MYSELF, DARA MAURO, i am an overthinker..i just ASSUME things. it's funny how one day when i am around it's nothing but fighting between these people but as soon as i'm gone--it's MORE.
and i believe the best part if when YOUR CAUGHT-but i am the one who needs to GROW Up. i LOVE it. Maybe i wouldn't have to act like that if i didnt't get FUCKED countless times. and another good part is when a certain person THINKS everything is about them, but it's far from it. i am over with that shit. They may be the main PART in it but i can really care less-- i just deal with pain by having fun and being with my friend who i LOVe so fuckin much--and i don't believe it's IMMATURE i just think it's a way to DEAL. We just act stupid and say stupid shit. Oh well. Cause if you ask me--being a fuckin pussy and not being able to even tell someone how you feel about something beofre you just, go back, is kind of immature to me. OHhh and the best thing is i see where people get the shit. i Love how people talk shit about people behind their backs but then when there around they are theyre best fuckin friend--which is a shame consideing the age difference, but thats with anyone. in this situation especially is just worse. i LOVE how it is okay for someone to THROW shit at you adn run over it @ 2 in the morning--wake everyone in the house and neighborhood up after peeling out and breakin shit--but i honk a damn horn and i am about to get cops called on me. LOVELY. and i LOVe how my mom is the bad one in this, if you ask me MY mom was prettyu fuckin understanding considering all the shit she's watched me go through--but who seeys that we just LOVE the mom who talks shit about everyone and says there syco btu is best friends with them after..
One thing thats differents is that i see it, and i am happy. i am hurt of course who wouldn't be? and sometiems i DO just sit and cry or think about how it got like this. but deep down i know that things are going to work out for me- i know this is a part of life and i KNOW that it is time to MOOVe on.i was MORE than half way there before someone knocked my walldown again--but they didn't do as good of a job this time those bricks was built up pretty strong and tall so i know i will build them back up and get where i want to be. it is sad when something that was once so good has to end so badley but its life --it's love. and i used to torture myself with the things that i would think about and how i would think it was all fake--i know i was lied to and i know that the whole time i was right about almost everything,but at the same time no matter how much of an aass people can be and no matter the shit you do or say --i know the love was real. i used to doubt so many things but i know how it is now,and deep down i know that this person tried. i know that they really did want better but they just don't know hoe to make it that way, sometimes i
wish they could have just told me and thinggs wouldn't have to be like this but the fact is they are. but i know despite all of that that this person DOES care, and that they sit and think about too even if they are always busy adn i kwno that this other person could never mean half as muhc as did. i watch some of my closest friends screw up wonderful things they have because they think they might love someone else, they don't love the other one any less they just think that they are IN LOVE with 2 people. The fact is you only are IN LOVE with one person but you can LOVe just about anyone that you CARe about. also people confuse LUST with love and think that because the attracton and friendship and caring os there for that peron that maybe more can be ..but sometimes the person is missing that the other person that is right there for them and will do anything to be with them. They take that peroson for grnated because they would rather the challenge or because they are confused and they don't really realize that the other one they think they care for will NEVER come close to the one that is there all along. People always THINK that they can just be friends with people cause they will always care but it doesn't work--can't work. idf what you have for someone is real you can't just be friends, you may be civil but you can't be close or hang out because it don't work. i see it in sooomany people, even people i am not close to.That's the way things Have to be and the way they will be--and ssooon enough it will all be over and everyone kind of starts there own new life. i am going to be a juinor this year and as much as i HATE school and am ready to get the FUCK out, i am still exited. i am ready to moove and ready to start OVER.
it's weird because usually i HAVE to TALK. usually, i would have to tell someone how i feel, i would HAve to get my closure--which pisses me off alot because things chould have been left like they were before, i got my closure & i felt AMAZING i was so happy. but i know i can build that up again, it's just now i KNOW there is no reason for closure, no point in telling someon how you feel becasue once it's at this point it no longer matetrs..whats in my head NO ONE will understand, sometimes even I don't get ME..but i am learning adn i'm glad i can concentrate on myself for now. but even though i don't give my whole little speach or anything i still ahve to eventually get it oout and to me writing is my way to escape..art...writing..and music. Drugs can be too but i don't like to depend on anything like that...you don't esccape because you still think about it, you just kid of are able to see things different. i don't know but i have been havingso much fun with my friends and i am keeping my mind of alot of things, this is the first time i actaully sat down and THOUGHT about things.
i got my eye on you...;)
This may have turned out long but i just got back from going with Ashley & Mary after being almost done and typed more...lol
mm hmm well i am out nigguh!