texas...our texas
tonight.
i have been home for around....lets see...18 hours.
i slept...i ate...smoked some grass...watched and participated in the eviction and provocatiion of 4 people who are serious intraveineous meth addicts....refused to drink...talked to tit while we both were hiding in bathrooms...cried with my mother...wished id brought a thicker scarf..watched someone intentionally avoid me...sewed a johnny cash back patch on my jean jacket....endured a terrible 20 hours bus ride...its been a hell of a day.
it seems this towns roots are steeped in addiction.
i watched the two couples struggle for another fix...angry for being kicked out...
my mom stold their keys because she wanted her 45$ resulting in an outburst ive needed to have since i realized lifestyle is a choice. i wasnt just yelling at some people who had a problem...i was yelling at my past. i shook with anger and inablility to understand. i find it funny that ive tried to understand by mimicking that hopelessness and that drinking is no better. smoking isnt. i keep expecting jason to change me and himself because i am afraid to take the first step. i havent smoked a cigarette in almost two months and now he no longer smokes as well.
i realize he needs me as the example as well as my mother and everyone around me.
im getting closer to action. i am still afraid. i want to have a real life.
i came to my grandpas and ate. i ate alot and quick. it was like a smoker needing nicotine. i am ready to shed this addictive personality.
i thought i was going to be a mother.
i had a reason to try i hoped.
i wasnt sad to know it wasnt true but i also wasnt as relieved to find out otherwise. i understand why people think babies will change life for the better. i knew it would be ok if it were so. i finally trust someone. its strange, looking fate in the eye seeing that you are no longer afraid.
i am jobless again. ive been drinking hideous amounts. i had to take a break from nebraska to realize im a part of this too...
texas.
i have been home for around....lets see...18 hours.
i slept...i ate...smoked some grass...watched and participated in the eviction and provocatiion of 4 people who are serious intraveineous meth addicts....refused to drink...talked to tit while we both were hiding in bathrooms...cried with my mother...wished id brought a thicker scarf..watched someone intentionally avoid me...sewed a johnny cash back patch on my jean jacket....endured a terrible 20 hours bus ride...its been a hell of a day.
it seems this towns roots are steeped in addiction.
i watched the two couples struggle for another fix...angry for being kicked out...
my mom stold their keys because she wanted her 45$ resulting in an outburst ive needed to have since i realized lifestyle is a choice. i wasnt just yelling at some people who had a problem...i was yelling at my past. i shook with anger and inablility to understand. i find it funny that ive tried to understand by mimicking that hopelessness and that drinking is no better. smoking isnt. i keep expecting jason to change me and himself because i am afraid to take the first step. i havent smoked a cigarette in almost two months and now he no longer smokes as well.
i realize he needs me as the example as well as my mother and everyone around me.
im getting closer to action. i am still afraid. i want to have a real life.
i came to my grandpas and ate. i ate alot and quick. it was like a smoker needing nicotine. i am ready to shed this addictive personality.
i thought i was going to be a mother.
i had a reason to try i hoped.
i wasnt sad to know it wasnt true but i also wasnt as relieved to find out otherwise. i understand why people think babies will change life for the better. i knew it would be ok if it were so. i finally trust someone. its strange, looking fate in the eye seeing that you are no longer afraid.
i am jobless again. ive been drinking hideous amounts. i had to take a break from nebraska to realize im a part of this too...
texas.