winters of childhood
today the sun finally pierced through. After days of grey, it pierces finally.
But the metaphor is not apt.
today the sunlight is like an ocean wave, suddenly breaking over everything, splashing into every crevasse, knocking me back, hand before my face.
change.
i realize again that i am a child. that i may never grow up. forever i'll be trapped with inane smiles and awkward glances. my nightmare of peter pan. the reality is that only grown ups can say "i don't give a shit what you think." only grown ups have the nerve to be noble, to change themselves. i have watched my childhood friends leave everything they know, change their sex, make new lives for themselves, write books, get up and breathe. i admire each of them, of you, so much.
i put on the trappings of freeing myself, but i can't even free myself from my own mind, from my own internal saboteur.
But the metaphor is not apt.
today the sunlight is like an ocean wave, suddenly breaking over everything, splashing into every crevasse, knocking me back, hand before my face.
change.
i realize again that i am a child. that i may never grow up. forever i'll be trapped with inane smiles and awkward glances. my nightmare of peter pan. the reality is that only grown ups can say "i don't give a shit what you think." only grown ups have the nerve to be noble, to change themselves. i have watched my childhood friends leave everything they know, change their sex, make new lives for themselves, write books, get up and breathe. i admire each of them, of you, so much.
i put on the trappings of freeing myself, but i can't even free myself from my own mind, from my own internal saboteur.