hedgehogs and other things
We spent the wee hours of last night looking at YouTube videos of cat montages and hedgehogs being cute. I can't wait to get our hedgehog!
My mother visits tomorrow, getting in late from a dinner. There is a bit of cleaning to do before she arrives, but I like having her visit. I did most of the interior decorating, and I feel very (perhaps overly) proud of how nice it is. I love the way she looks around, a bit surprised and a bit proud of how i've faired. We've gotten along well in the past couple years, worked through that rough patch when I decided to take a year off. We finally reached a new level in our relationship. She no longer sees me as a child, no longer so significantly younger than Jeanne, but still her child. And I see her as my mother, a woman I can challenge but respect. Someone I need.
I thought she was going to die. We drove through the snow, the ambulance driver trying to make small talk with me in the front seat. I thought about how my life would be if she died. It would break me. I would not move for a very long time. I would sit in that house in DC and tell everyone I was finefinefine. I would go to the market, indulge in my loss. Eventually I would get up, leave everything unfinished, and go to Vietnam, looking for her.
I hear it. There is a sadist in me that wants to indulge. Sometimes I want to have an excuse to completely self destruct, to smash everything, all the imperfect, embarrassing facets of my life. Every bad thing that happens to me almost sets it free. I almost let go.
But then I don't. I step back from the edge of the cliff. I touch bottom. But then, for no reason at all, I come around.
I know. When you do wander off the world doesn't change. Or the world changes, but you remain the same. It's terrible and comforting. Change happens so slowly until suddenly...
I'm happy here. I do art and work for a PR firm that isn't soulless and grow up and fall deeper in love and decorate my apartment and think about our fish Diego and our future hedgehog. And I try to be constructive.
It's ok. I'm building a life that I can be ok with. With people I love and things I'm proud of.
My mother visits tomorrow, getting in late from a dinner. There is a bit of cleaning to do before she arrives, but I like having her visit. I did most of the interior decorating, and I feel very (perhaps overly) proud of how nice it is. I love the way she looks around, a bit surprised and a bit proud of how i've faired. We've gotten along well in the past couple years, worked through that rough patch when I decided to take a year off. We finally reached a new level in our relationship. She no longer sees me as a child, no longer so significantly younger than Jeanne, but still her child. And I see her as my mother, a woman I can challenge but respect. Someone I need.
I thought she was going to die. We drove through the snow, the ambulance driver trying to make small talk with me in the front seat. I thought about how my life would be if she died. It would break me. I would not move for a very long time. I would sit in that house in DC and tell everyone I was finefinefine. I would go to the market, indulge in my loss. Eventually I would get up, leave everything unfinished, and go to Vietnam, looking for her.
I hear it. There is a sadist in me that wants to indulge. Sometimes I want to have an excuse to completely self destruct, to smash everything, all the imperfect, embarrassing facets of my life. Every bad thing that happens to me almost sets it free. I almost let go.
But then I don't. I step back from the edge of the cliff. I touch bottom. But then, for no reason at all, I come around.
I know. When you do wander off the world doesn't change. Or the world changes, but you remain the same. It's terrible and comforting. Change happens so slowly until suddenly...
I'm happy here. I do art and work for a PR firm that isn't soulless and grow up and fall deeper in love and decorate my apartment and think about our fish Diego and our future hedgehog. And I try to be constructive.
It's ok. I'm building a life that I can be ok with. With people I love and things I'm proud of.