(no subject)
The good the bad and the amazing
I woke up with a major migraine today and called in sick..which once the migraine abated left me with way too much time to think and get deppressed. It's wierd because the last few weeks have been super stressfull but I have been really happy and really deppressed at the same time if that makes any sense. I used to love my job but over the last month I have been treated with such a lack of respect from my boss that I just hate it. I know that come fall I'll have to find a job with more night hours anyway to make the whole school and work thing happen but I really don't want to. I love my co-workers and I like working for a place that actually has a positive impact on the world but I don't think it's going to work out much longer. I also want to work for a place that I actually have a chance to move up and have my hard work recognized and with Andrea my boss I really don't think that is going to happen. For whatever reason I'm on her bad list. I also thought about leaving music for a while. It's going to be an uphill battle at PSU, but for the time being I have decided to keep with it. I'm still not sure I want to struggle for the next ten years but worst case scenario is that I work really hard get my degree and then go to grad school for German instead of Music. I'm creative and intelligent and no matter what I will be able to find a job where I'm at least moderatly comforitable. I need to know I went as far as could with this dream before I give it up. The little career crisis has at least shown me that. The only thing thats super deppressive about my life that I don't know how to change is the bf situation. I'm lonely and I'm tired of being lonley. I don't know what the problem is though or how I go about changing it. Does any one have any suggesstions on where to meet people or how to go about seeming more availiable? I've had several aquainteces over the last few weeks tell other people upon hearing my predicament, say that they where surprised to hear I have guy problems. It made me think that maybe I seem unavailiable. Somethings got to change. I'm developing feelings for a good friend and I know that he will never see me (as frustrating as that is) as anything more than a friend. I'm trying to nip it in the bud, meeting someone else would definatly help. I really don't understand why being pretty, smart, goal oriented, independant, honest, funny, and sweet isn't enough for men. Maybe i should start acting like a psycho bitch they seem to have guys slobbering all over them! LOL. I just want the feeling that I'm going to be alone forever to go away, I hate it. Whatever I've been on my own for a long time and I will always be fine on my own two feet. It would just be nice to have someone to share with. I do not have problems in the amazing friends department though! I love you guys (you know who you are), you are there when I need you even when I don't know I need you. You are amazing, funny, talented, and beautiful people who make my life a glowing place to be. Shout outs to Kendra for knowing me better than any one else in the world (she has to see me first thing in the morning), and not running away screaming. I can't even imagine what I would be without you around. James, I'm so glad you will be home in a few hours I miss you like crazy, you are my rock. Fred you know you're in my circle and why. Carrie thanks for being there to bitch with about life, you are amazing and I hope I can be half as cool as you are some day. Katie you are my twin and I love how joyfull I feel whenever I hear your voice. Mike you are always there for me and I'm grateful to have you in my life. Jazz, Joanna, Nicole you are my little sister trifecta and I would probably be dead by now without you guys. Jenell I love that I can call you and just hang out and have fun and that I'm never on your bad list. To those not mentioned you know I love you and am grateful for you every day. I just can't type any more!:)
I woke up with a major migraine today and called in sick..which once the migraine abated left me with way too much time to think and get deppressed. It's wierd because the last few weeks have been super stressfull but I have been really happy and really deppressed at the same time if that makes any sense. I used to love my job but over the last month I have been treated with such a lack of respect from my boss that I just hate it. I know that come fall I'll have to find a job with more night hours anyway to make the whole school and work thing happen but I really don't want to. I love my co-workers and I like working for a place that actually has a positive impact on the world but I don't think it's going to work out much longer. I also want to work for a place that I actually have a chance to move up and have my hard work recognized and with Andrea my boss I really don't think that is going to happen. For whatever reason I'm on her bad list. I also thought about leaving music for a while. It's going to be an uphill battle at PSU, but for the time being I have decided to keep with it. I'm still not sure I want to struggle for the next ten years but worst case scenario is that I work really hard get my degree and then go to grad school for German instead of Music. I'm creative and intelligent and no matter what I will be able to find a job where I'm at least moderatly comforitable. I need to know I went as far as could with this dream before I give it up. The little career crisis has at least shown me that. The only thing thats super deppressive about my life that I don't know how to change is the bf situation. I'm lonely and I'm tired of being lonley. I don't know what the problem is though or how I go about changing it. Does any one have any suggesstions on where to meet people or how to go about seeming more availiable? I've had several aquainteces over the last few weeks tell other people upon hearing my predicament, say that they where surprised to hear I have guy problems. It made me think that maybe I seem unavailiable. Somethings got to change. I'm developing feelings for a good friend and I know that he will never see me (as frustrating as that is) as anything more than a friend. I'm trying to nip it in the bud, meeting someone else would definatly help. I really don't understand why being pretty, smart, goal oriented, independant, honest, funny, and sweet isn't enough for men. Maybe i should start acting like a psycho bitch they seem to have guys slobbering all over them! LOL. I just want the feeling that I'm going to be alone forever to go away, I hate it. Whatever I've been on my own for a long time and I will always be fine on my own two feet. It would just be nice to have someone to share with. I do not have problems in the amazing friends department though! I love you guys (you know who you are), you are there when I need you even when I don't know I need you. You are amazing, funny, talented, and beautiful people who make my life a glowing place to be. Shout outs to Kendra for knowing me better than any one else in the world (she has to see me first thing in the morning), and not running away screaming. I can't even imagine what I would be without you around. James, I'm so glad you will be home in a few hours I miss you like crazy, you are my rock. Fred you know you're in my circle and why. Carrie thanks for being there to bitch with about life, you are amazing and I hope I can be half as cool as you are some day. Katie you are my twin and I love how joyfull I feel whenever I hear your voice. Mike you are always there for me and I'm grateful to have you in my life. Jazz, Joanna, Nicole you are my little sister trifecta and I would probably be dead by now without you guys. Jenell I love that I can call you and just hang out and have fun and that I'm never on your bad list. To those not mentioned you know I love you and am grateful for you every day. I just can't type any more!:)