fucking queer.
Yesterday, I put up a really awesome rendition of me singing "Cheek to Cheek" in my bedroom onto YOUTUBE. Simple video...great vocals...direct upload from my webcam. After only 2 views, tapdancegirl88 (or some stupid name like that) commented "fucking queer" on my new video.
I woke up today and read this comment, and immediately deleted it. It was a kneejerk reaction.
These words really stabbed me.
In fifth grade, when life is most brutal, I lost all my friends because of that one comment. I became a joke at school. Something to laugh at. I was determined to become famous to "show them all!"...I even CHANGED SCHOOLS. Well, now I'm 23, not famous, and still hurt but these words.
I hate that I'm writing on LIVEJOURNAL about this, since I feel like its masturbatory. I wish I had some friends to lean on right now. Maybe if I wasn't so fucking gay I'd be on the national wicked tour too with my best friends, but no such luck. I'm not going to cry, just callus as always. Hearing "f.q." came at a bad time. Well look, now I'm crying. Fucking queer.
I hate myself, the work that I do, and everything about this personal preference that seems uncontrollable.
I feel alone. I feel like I'm wrong. I feel like I'm climbing uphill and I'll never get to where I WANT to be. I hate auditioning. I hate being only cast as transvestites and gays. I hate that without speaking...just BEING...I get stares, glares, and snickers. I hate that when I share the only thing that I like about myself, it gets shaded with such ugly words.
I feel ugly. Like an ugly christmas present no one wants to open.
I wish I hadn't deleted that video. It was a weak moment. I'm stronger than this. I'm bigger than this. I'm a talented individual.
I woke up today and read this comment, and immediately deleted it. It was a kneejerk reaction.
These words really stabbed me.
In fifth grade, when life is most brutal, I lost all my friends because of that one comment. I became a joke at school. Something to laugh at. I was determined to become famous to "show them all!"...I even CHANGED SCHOOLS. Well, now I'm 23, not famous, and still hurt but these words.
I hate that I'm writing on LIVEJOURNAL about this, since I feel like its masturbatory. I wish I had some friends to lean on right now. Maybe if I wasn't so fucking gay I'd be on the national wicked tour too with my best friends, but no such luck. I'm not going to cry, just callus as always. Hearing "f.q." came at a bad time. Well look, now I'm crying. Fucking queer.
I hate myself, the work that I do, and everything about this personal preference that seems uncontrollable.
I feel alone. I feel like I'm wrong. I feel like I'm climbing uphill and I'll never get to where I WANT to be. I hate auditioning. I hate being only cast as transvestites and gays. I hate that without speaking...just BEING...I get stares, glares, and snickers. I hate that when I share the only thing that I like about myself, it gets shaded with such ugly words.
I feel ugly. Like an ugly christmas present no one wants to open.
I wish I hadn't deleted that video. It was a weak moment. I'm stronger than this. I'm bigger than this. I'm a talented individual.