dumb.

Mar 01, 2005 00:12

Damnit. I wish I had an ounce of motivation towards school and the work that accompanies it. I fucking give up. I don't ever want to go to class again. I don't ever want to turn in an essay that won't be graded. Why am I even here? Why am I even taking these classes? This shit is just rehashed from previous years at UC Irvine. Why am I fucking around taking classes that aren't even counting towards anything? Why am I wasting time and money? Why don't I just get off my lazy ass? I miss home. I love England and the folks, but I want to go back home so bad. I miss the sun, I miss my friends; the people who know me, truly. No dispresect to the friends I have made here. I love you guys. I miss everything. I miss my mom. I just want to see my friends. I miss doing everything and nothing with them. I miss buying tortillas and then flying them like frisbees in parking lots of city parks. Why am I so nondiscript? Why do I have no outstanding qualities? Bland. That is all I am; bland. I can never aspire to be more than that. Yes, you are right, there will always be someone "more______ than you", but fucking hell, this is rediculous. Everything, everyone, everyone's fucking ideas make me feel so plain, so ordinary, so mediocre. I can't even rant in a stream of consciousness style in a "cool" or "hip" way. Is that what it comes down to? My selfish need to be hip and cool and different? Fuck, I should just embrace my mediocreness. I should just leave it at that. I miss walking around in flip flops and not wearing coats. Damnit. I sound like such a whiner. That's at the core of my essence: complaining. That is all I do. I'm ungreatful. When my plane lands in Los Angeles, nothing will be able to get me down. What is the point of achieving "good grades" anyway? I don't simply want to regurgitate ideas, I want to create my own. Come on, it's your fucking job to stimulate that! Fuck class. I don't fucking care if this makes things difficult from now on. Is my viewpoint changing? This is probably just a mood that will be overcome as soon as I get some sense knocked into me. I am so indecisive. Why do you have to be so narrow in who you will accept as "suitable"? There are other people in the world. I wish you knew the extent of my "obesession". And you, where have you gone? I am just so fucking........stupid.
Previous post Next post
Up