TVD 4x03: "How about we just leave the murdering to Damon?"
I don't have anything particularly intelligent to say about this episode, tbh. It was pretty straightforward. It had its high points. But largely, it was an episode of TVD, which means crazy plot shenanigans and excessive bloodshed and pretty men taking their shirts off and then more ridiculous plot stuff. Aka the best show on television, yes?
So let's begin.
NEW PREVIOUSLY'S TROLOLOL I'M NOT LISTENING.
Anyway. Creepy hospital, creepy nighttime setting, creepy hunter dude. The usual.
I applaud Tyler for being vaguely aware of his surroundings. I do not applaud him trying to fight the scary stranger. Not a good move, Tyler.
Naturally, Tyler loses the fight, and hunter rando venom jacks him. This was gross, no? I may or may not have squealed a bit to my tv. Heart-ripping brings me glee. Long needles pushed into gums? Ew no make it stop.
Lol, I did not notice before that the hunter guy slaps Tyler on the cheek a bit, in some sort of weird coach-like thanks. Oy, these people.
Rando is up to no good. Ok.
Damon decides it's a good morning to snark at Stefan. I am always inclined to agree. And someone needed to talk about how fucking ridiculous Stefan is with his motorcycle. I mean. MOTORCYCLE. Nothing else even needs to be said.
You know what I love about this episode? The fact that Damon knows everything that's happening. Which means that everyone calls him and tells him what's happening. Tyler told him about the venom-jacking, Jeremy told him about rando questioning him...basically, everyone is calling Damon, Official Team Mystic Falls Team Leader. I find it adorable.
You know what I love about this scene? The fact that it once again incorporated my headcanon for Damon. I love that he mentions that he still intends to leave Mystic Falls, as per the stipulations of the deal. Because a not so small part of me has been wanting Damon to just fuck off all summer, and while I don't think for a second that that will actually happen, I love that Damon still at least in theory plans to go. I'm glad the show didn't forget about that, and I'm pleased that Damon intends to hold up his end of that foolish bargain, because I like it when the show does things that I want it to do. Wouldn't it be fun if Damon DID leave for a few episodes? Not the show, of course, but just Mystic Falls. It would be hilarious to see TMF (Team Mystic Falls, that is) try and function without him.
Speaking of which, "dramatic would be leaving BEFORE I kill this hunter." Yeah, he knows these people are useless (well, even more useless than they already are) without him.
Matt and Elena meet for snack time. Ok, kids, let's have a talk. There is a dangerous and surprisingly effective vampire hunter on the lookout for you all. He has already pegged you all as suspicious, and he's already noted your blindingly obvious neck wound, Matthew. So. WHY would you put bite marks on another highly obvious and very visible place? Wrist? Really? Think of all the places on your body that are not directly visible, Matt. All those places. Probably about 80% of your body is somehow hidden under clothes. So WHY WHY WHY would you choose your bite location to be one of the most apparent spots of one of your most apparent appendages? I JUST CAN'T WITH YOU PEOPLE.
Elena decides that now is a good time to go to school. Yeah, ok. She'll last an hour at most. Blame it on the new vampirism all you want, Elena, but really, you're just allergic to school.
Carol and Klaus have made a deal to protect Tyler. Is it some sort of rule of the natural order that the hybrids must be dull and wooden?
Stefan and Elena try to have an emotional moment about how it's the first time they've been in Alaric's classroom since he died, but I can't help but wonder, when was the last time any of them were in a classroom at all? When was the last time ALARIC was in his classroom? I'm pretty sure he started teaching his classes from the Grill on skype months ago.
Rebekah is throwing a party that starts halfway through the school day and handing out flyers about it. You'd think a teacher would see it and care, but that would presuppose there are any teachers at this school, and I'm pretty sure they all gave up. So. Do what you do, Bex.
I get that Elena is all rage-y and taking it out on Rebekah, but I have the insane urge to protect Bex when Elena makes her quip about how no one likes her? I don't know, maybe hurting Rebekah is just too easy. Leave my lady alone (I say to my other lady...).
"Your boyfriend liked me once." OMG, DOES THE SHOW REMEMBER THAT STEFAN/REBEKAH WAS A THING? CAN THIS BE?
Jk, nothing will come of it, let's be serious here. What is Stefan/anyone but Elena.
JFC, COME ON. Rebekah stabs Elena with a pencil in a classroom FILLED with people, and no one cares. I just. WHAT. I know I should suspend my disbelief because it's a TV show and all, but, just, NO. WHAT. NO.
So it seems Elena hates Rebekah. In two years they'll be making out on a motel balcony. You heard it here first.
The ladies square off in the bathroom. It's kind of sexual, no? Or do I just naturally start seeing sexual tension once Elena vows eternal hate?
Rando man is grilling Jeremy and contributing to his academic delinquency. I can't even be surprised at this point. Jeremy does a decent job of playing dumb, which means that Jeremy may be pretty high on the TMF Most Intelligent List. This is not a tremendous accomplishment.
I love how Stefan's version of 'taking care of' this is just him lurking outside the door. Your wit and resourcefulness continue to amaze me, Stefan Salvatore.
Damon walks right into a trap, because he's Damon. I love his "Hmm...um...yeah." Bless you, boy.
Stefan, Elena, and Caroline are having a meeting. Naturally none of them are in class.
"How about we just leave the murdering to Damon?" Don't you always, Stefan? They all seem perfectly ok with it so long as they don't have to actually deal with any of the murdering Damon's in charge of. Your hypocrisy is a thing of beauty, Stefan.
They're taking the rest of the day off to have fun? But they'll miss school! Surely they can't be ok with that! Shocking behavior, that.
BLEGH STEFAN/CAROLINE. Ok, people, I have to confess some things. I used to love S/C (who didn't?), but I fear that 3x20 has forever tainted my feelings for them. I am not over all the fuckery of that episode. Not to mention that I've been having this feeling with Stefan/Caroline that the writers finally realized they're popular and now intend to capitalize on that. But I just can't buy that after they had virtually no interaction last season. Where was their so-called wonderful friendship when Stefan was going off the rails and Caroline's father was torturing her and then dying and everything was going to hell? You can't just pick and choose, show. It can't be all happy shiny S/C friendship now that Stefan is good again, regardless of the fact that there was no fallout from their relationship when things were bad. So I am not down with this Stefan/Caroline business, sorry to say. It's a shame, because I really used to love them, but I just no longer buy how they have this nice connection and understanding with each other. I know, I know, season 3 didn't happen, but still. No.
Also, lowkey vomiting at Caro's "You're good at this!" to Stefan. No, he's not. He's terrible at this. He is an awful vampire mentor, and that's fine. So please, show, don't make Caroline Stefan's official cheerleader and protector. It will just make me hate Caroline, and I don't want that. Just leave well enough alone.
And I (perhaps irrationally) resent Caroline saying Stefan saved her vampire life. He didn't. Elena saved her, and then Stefan certainly helped her, but Caro doesn't owe him her life. She didn't even end up adopting his vampire lifestyle. Stefan was a good friend to her during her transition, but I just have a gut reaction of distaste to hear Caroline labeling Stefan as her saviour. Stefan gets to be a saviour enough. Let's give Caro the credit for her own awesomeness.
"Ho Hey" by the Lumineers comes on, and I find it weirdly unsettling? Because I love this song and have known it for ages, and it's strangely odd to me when songs I know come on this show. I use this show to help me discover new music. Stop playing me songs already in my arsenal! Same thing with "Too Close" by Alex Clare (and fuck you for putting it to an S/E makeout, even with a hilarious Damon hallucination cockblock). Leave my music alone and find me new songs, show.
Phoebe Tonkin shows up, and I was actually super surprised that this is what she sounds like? I've never actually heard her speak, and her voice took me aback a bit. I don't even know why. So I spent most of the scene distracted by that. I've heard so very much about the amazingness of Phoebe Tonkin, and have yet to be impressed, but whatever. Do what you do, I guess.
Wow, her American accent is not at all consistent. Amusing.
Tyler/Caroline/Hayley love triangle? Meh, whatever. Nocurr.
Meredith shows up to rescue Damon, and the scene is amusing and vaguely nonsensical but also fun. I love Damon's answer to why he didn't call Stefan: "Because I'm proud, and stubborn." I love that he just tells it like it is. You entertain me, sir.
Ok, someone with better knowledge of explosives than I possess, explain to me: how does cutting out the arrow solve the problem? I don't get it. My years of Alias watching did not explain this to me. Help.
"Don't we have great enough evil already?" "You'd think." Bless you two. Fuck Mystic Falls, however.
Lol, as if Damon doesn't have an iPhone. Don't fool with me, show.
So this wins:
Meredith: You are a good brother.
Damon: *disgruntled at a compliment* I'm the bad brother.
Meredith: You're strung up to a bomb while Stefan plays vampire with the girl who broke your heart. But you're doing a very good job of acting like it doesn't suck.
Omg, someone on this show actually recognizes the way Stefan gets to play hero while Damon does all the actual work? This is the quickest way to my heart, Meredith. Keep doing what you're doing, lady.
Lol, Matt/Rebekah. Are we seriously supposed to care about this ship? Like. Really?
No, but in all seriousness, Matt/Rebekah has always been about Rebekah having issues with people and with men in particular. Her interest in him stemmed solely from her stereotypical high school ideals and her fantasy that someone would love her best. They had virtually nothing to do with Matt as a person. So the show suddenly pretending that Rebekah has a legitimate interest in Matt because he's Matt? No. Sorry. No. And I'm not saying that to be harsh to Matt. That's just not what this relationship has ever been about, and I don't want the show to abruptly decide to try and make this a real romance.
Oh look, Matt's prominently placed vampire bite got discovered. I am so very surprised.
Matt gives Rebekah up to rando hunter, and it's pretty cold. I'm cool with it.
Elena has made a mess of Damon's room. Nothing could be more galling to the man.
Damon, you glorious troll. I enjoy your shenanigans always. "You keep alcohol in your underwear drawer?" "No." Not even trying to play innocent. Carry on, brat prince.
LOL @ Elena's VERY OBVIOUS SEXUAL REACTION to Damon's stripping. Clearly it was intended to be obvious, but it still amused me highly.
Jeremy told Damon about hunter dude at the school. DAMON/JEREMY. GUYS. DAMON/JEREMY. You know how I feel about this.
I love that Damon says things like "perish the thought." You are a secret nerd, Damon.
"You staying for the show?" ILU.
Hunter dude's hand-carved artisan stakes are actually sort of pretty. Whittle away, sir.
Jeremy is enacting a plan! Jeremy AND Damon are enacting a plan! What a delight.
Stefan and Elena arrive at the party, and Stefan decides a good way to use his vampire skills is to compel a guy to give him his drink. Really, Stefan? Just get your own beer. The keg's, like, 10 feet away. LAZY vampire.
Caroline shows up at Tyler's house, because heaven forfend she attends school or goes to the party that everyone else is ditching for. If she doesn't want to go to that party? Must find something OTHER than school to go to. The idea that any of these people can go to college is a joke. Can they even do long division?
Goodness, Hayley's shorts are tiny. So very tiny.
Klaus trolls Hayley, Tyler sends Caro away, I don't really care. Sorry.
Elena and April chat at the party, and April is feeling suspicious. Could it be that she has brain cells? Must be all that time spent away from Mystic Falls.
Did anyone else sort of side-eye how Elena legit sent April away? "Why don't you go look around the house and I'll find you in a little bit?" Is she your child, Elena? Who would listen to that? Oyy.
Elena and Bex bicker, then Bex proves how she is still more badass than everybody else. Love this girl. The trash disposal was a nice move. But Bex, if you're going to destroy someone's ring, let it be one of the Salvatore's. They're far tackier.
Elena rescues herself fairly easily, and prepares to do some murdering. Though, tbh, I find it pretty hard to believe that Damon would have given Elena the white oak stake. Sorry, but no. Not his style.
Stefan plays Vampire Life Coach. Yeah, ok, Stefan. Because you are such an expert on these things. I sure trust you.
"Or you can get on the back of my motorcycle." LOL. I JUST. I CAN'T BREATHE FOR LOL-ING.
Elena does a vampire keg stand to taunt Rebekah, and it's silly. Also, how unpleasant do keg stands look? I was so very happy just drinking on land at parties. #i may be lame, but my center of gravity is stable
Rebekah starts to struggle from werewolf venom poisoning. Sure.
Klaus taunts Tyler a bit with his histrionic ways. Why not. But question: is it really that big of a deal if Tyler DID sleep with Hayley? Someone correct me if I'm wrong, but were Tyler and Caroline even 100% together when Tyler left? Meh, maybe they were. Maybe I'm thinking of that time he buggered off in season 2 (he seems to disappear into the ether at least once every season).
KLAMON. KLAMON IS HAPPENING. Damon calls Tyler because he's apparently a total team player now? Cute, that. Then Klaus wants in, because Klaus secretly wants to be loved by TMF, plus he wants to do some murdering. And thus Klamon becomes a canon thing, and I rejoice.
Oh lord. This motorcycle. Guys. Ok, separate from my overwhelming disdain of all things S/E...this was stupid. Yes? Yes.
But really. THIS WAS SO DUMB. Not to mention that it physically makes no sense. They must have been going, like, 4 miles an hour for her to be standing like that, vampire or not. FOOLISH. Ridiculously amusing. But also really, really dumb.
Jeremy leads rando hunter into a trap. Go, Baby Gilbert, go.
Damon so WOULD use hunter dude's own explosives against him. Wicked sense of humor, my boy has.
Elena and Stefan are doing their *sexy* thing, and I just mildly resent that they're using this song for it. Meh. But then it gets amusing when Elena hallucinates Damon. Did I mention that a new drinking game rule is that you take a shot every time Elena and Stefan get hilariously cockblocked? Everybody drink.
Elena's been poisoned too, and I can't help but think it's just not a big deal? We know how to cure it, it'll be fine. Also, how come it has to be Klaus's blood? Why can't Tyler's blood do it too? Especially since it was Tyler's venom? Meh, logic.
Bex is tripping out too. It was pretty clear that Rebekah was hallucinating that scene with Matt, but would anyone have really minded if she HAD ripped Matt's heart out? Perhaps I am again being overly protective of my girl. JUST STOP BEING MEAN TO REBEKAH, EVERYBODY, OK???
Damon: I fought this guy, and there's nothing more evil than that.
Klaus: Yeah, truth be told, I'm as evil as it gets.
AND THUS A NEW COMEDY DUO WAS BORN. SOMEBODY GIVE THEM THEIR OWN SHOW AND TAKE IT ON THE ROAD.
Ok, but for realz, Klaus and Damon are adorable together. I love them like whoa. I don't even care about whatever plot is happening in this scene. I am just gazing at them. In love.
Oooh, The Five, how mysterious. Just kidding, I don't care. Take your shirt off again, Damon.
Everybody goes boom. Except not really.
Elena starts hallucinating Damon again, and her subconscious Salvatore tells her that deep down she knows she's a lot more like Damon than she is like Stefan. I am cautious about this. Because Elena is absolutely more like Damon than she is like Stefan, and I say that from a non-shipping perspective. They are just far more similar people, which isn't even always a good thing (though narratively, it's a great thing), but there it is. However. If the show is trying to go in some sort of direction in which Damon corrupts her and inspires Elena to embrace her evil side until she realizes that she needs Stefan to help her hold on to her humanity? Yeah. No. Let's not do that.
Klaus shows up, and Stefan's "You came!" - JUST TRY AND CONVINCE ME YOU DON'T WANT ME TO SHIP THIS, SHOW. JUST TRY IT.
"For future reference, one voicemail is just as effective as nine." Love you, Klaus.
Guys, this is legit such a Klefan scene. It is ALL about their unresolved fraught love for each other. Aka the best thing that ever happened to Stefan's arc. More of this, please?
"I don't want anything from you!" Seriously. How is it possible to not ship this.
Klaus saves Elena, and I enjoy it. Klaus/Elena, y/y?
April and Rebekah bond. It's cute. They can stay. SOMEBODY JUST BE REBEKAH'S FRIEND, K?
Carol and Damon debrief at the hospital/explosion festival, and I enjoy Carol's begrudging approval of Damon's murdering. Bless these people and their forsaken moral standards.
WHO WANTS TO CHECK INTO THE DAMON SALVATORE WING? A show of hands, please.
And then there's this:
Jeremy: See, I told you I could be a badass!
Damon: Shh. Badasses don't say that.
LEGIT THE BEST EXCHANGE OF THE EPISODE, HANDS DOWN. DAMON/JEREMY FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER. MY LOVESSSSSSSSSSS.
Also, the little resigned hand-wave Jeremy does to Damon's back may be the best thing I have ever seen. Fucking MAKES the scene for me. I just. I can't with these two. DAMON/JEREMY ARE MY EVERYTHING.
Meredith is not thrilled with all the murdering, and Damon doesn't quite get why. Love how casual he is about blowing up part of a hospital. It's sweet of you to still have a vague sense of morality and propriety, Meredith, but it won't last. You're part of Team Mystic Falls now. You win or you die.
Ooh, I didn't catch this before. Damon says Meredith can buy him a farewell drink. HUZZAH DAMON AND LEAVING PLANS. I don't know why I want this so much. I just want Damon to fuck right off like everyone's been telling him to so I can watch them struggle without him, ok? Is that so very wrong?
But Meredith knows the CW won't let him go. I like how she recognizes that Damon's looking for a replacement for Alaric, and how she's not willing to jump into that role. (Speaking of which, Lol at all these articles I've been seeing about how Damon will get 'a surprising new confidante' or something like that. Dude. It was always going to be Meredith. This is not at all surprising. Nice try, the press.)
Meredith tells him to fix things with Stefan and Elena, and he just sort of looks like, "But I don't want to." Lol, child.
Meh, another Stefan/Caroline scene. I so wish I still liked them together. Alas.
"It's not every day you get summoned by a Salvatore." Isn't it, though?
Ah, this is another thing that annoys me. I hate when shows recycle clearly well-beloved lines in a way that isn't particularly well done. It happens in this case with the "insecure control freak" line. We all loved that line in season 2, but in this case, it just feels kind of...I don't know, lazy? Like the show is trying to buddy up to us with this fandom favourite line and thereby capitalize on our fond feelings or whatever? Listen, I like callbacks to good lines when they serve a good purpose. But this whole episode I just felt like the show was trying to pick up S/C where they left off in season 2, and this line seemed to me like a shortcut trying to gloss over all the lost time of season 3, and it annoyed me. Leave it alone, show. If you want me to like S/C again, come up with new good lines for them. Try harder.
To be honest, this scene disappointed me. First of all, I had this moment during Stefan's speech when I thought that he might come out and say that he was worried that now that Elena was changing and growing into herself as a vampire, she might outgrow him. And once I got that idea into my head, I was perturbed it didn't happen, even if that level of honesty would have been highly uncharacteristic for Stefan Salvatore. But I think it's pretty clear that so many of Stefan's issues this season have stemmed from his fear of becoming irrelevant to Elena, and it just would have been so much more interesting to me if that's what he had confessed to Caroline instead of this ridiculous Ripper business.
Which brings me to this. I know that it's consistent with Stefan's character, but I just CANNOT with the Other-ing of the Ripper side of Stefan. Calling the Ripper "Him?" Seriously, Stefan? Straight up ridiculous. It is not him and me, Stefan. Ripper Stefan = Good Boyfriend Stefan = All Versions of Stefan. Just. I know season 3 didn't happen. But. DID SEASON 3 SERIOUSLY NOT HAPPEN? Ughhhh. Stop it.
Naturally all of Elena's transition struggles are all about Stefan. What a wonderful guy you are, Stefan.
Ugh, and AGAIN. Caroline says she's good at being a vampire because of Stefan. REALLY? REALLY? Just. No.
And this is what I'm not interested in. I am not interested in Caroline becoming Stefan's Protector and #1 Fan like she was in 3x20. I don't want to see her talking about how Stefan is amazing and wonderful and how Elena should treat him better. If that is what this arrangement of theirs results in, I will be throwing daggers at my TV. But so far, this is not a promising start.
Matt shows up Chez Gilbert and admits that he wouldn't have given up Rebekah if he knew Elena would be in danger too. Look at you and your selective morality, Matt Donovan! You're growing. <3
Then Elena goes to town on Matt's wrist, only to be thrown off by Damon. It had to happen eventually, really.
I like that Damon doesn't try to pull the same moves as Caroline, reminding Elena that she cares about Matt and doesn't want to hurt him or whatever. He just tells her to stop and trusts her natural rationality to do the rest. Damon isn't stopping her for Matt's sake, or even for her emotional well-being. He just wants her to have control over herself.
And that brings me to this new development of Damon helping Elena out with human blood. Again, I am cautious about this. Because I'm worried that the show will try to put D/E on par with S/E in terms of the way they deal with Elena's transition, and I just don't think that's relevant. Damon has no interest in making Elena like him, because he knows she already is like him. He's not going to try and *tempt* her into the darkness so she can suit him more, because that's not how Damon works. He already knows that he and Elena are essentially the same person. Stefan is trying to indoctrinate Elena into his way of life because he's insecure about how he and Elena can function together now that she's a vampire. Damon does not have this worry. Their level of similarity has never been their problem. Damon and Elena have a whole host of issues, but this is not one of them. So if the show tries to tell me that Damon is attempting to make Elena *like him* to solidify their bond, I will be displeased. Because that's not how Damon and Elena work.
Meanwhile, I really think that Damon is offering to help her because he is, at heart, a pragmatist. He truly believes that all vampires should have some grasp of control over their bloodlust. It's just his way of thinking. And obviously it's more emotionally charged with Elena, but he's not trying to sway her into his lifestyle. He just believes that she should be able to control herself about humans. He believes the same thing about Stefan. He would believe that about anyone in his town, because vampires with no control risk exposing everyone in TMF. And Damon does want to help Elena, obviously, because he cares about her, and he doesn't want his brother's issues to sink too permanently into her psyche. He has enough on his plate dealing with Stefan's vampire crazy. He can't handle Elena's as well.
All this to say that on the surface, I love the idea of Damon teaching Elena control. I'm just super wary about what the show will do with it.
Meanwhile, I see that Damon's pupils still dilate when he compels, unlike everyone else, apparently. I'm cool with it. Just. So much blue.
And one more thing about this whole situation. I really think that Damon decides in this exact moment that he's going to help her. I'm sure there's a whole hoard of angry S/E shippers insisting that Damon's just been waiting for his shot to undermine Stefan. But I rather think that he did at least intend to leave, but then walked in on this scene and decided on the spot that he could help her. He stayed in Mystic Falls even after Elena chose Stefan because he knew they needed his help with her transition, and in this moment it became clear to him that they still needed his help, so he opts to stay longer. Damon is an efficient guy. He doesn't leave tasks uncompleted. Vampire Elena is an incomplete project, and he will stay until he is sure she can handle him going.
And then there's face touching, and whatever, I can be objective about narratives, but LOOK AT THEM. JUST LOOK AT THEM. OTP. I can't even help it.
Random hunter dude is still alive and Klaus is keeping him as a pet. Ok. Why not.
Lol, plot. Sure.
BUT GUYS. NEXT WEEK. I am TOO excited for next week. I'm worried, tbh. Hopes are not a wise thing to have in this show. But. Drugged out blood-infused dancing/groping/Damon wearing that vest? I JUST.
Let it be Thursday.
And OMG, GUYS! This recap is only 4,608 words! How blissfully short! I am proud.