blow it all
Its been some time now since anyone has said anything to me in reference to christina. I mean, I don’t even know what to say. Things dissolved right before the summer, and then there was the summer. I believe I saw her once in August, and then didn’t see her until new years eve. The time in between was odd. A lot of mixed feelings. We ddint even speak for a couple of months, and then she just shows up out of nowhere at like 6 new years night. She was in the back of my head for that one week or so, knowing that she comes up here for new years, and kinda sorta wanting to make plans, I just ddint know how to go about it, or if it was even a good idea or not. So I let it go till the last minute, and she called, and we wound up going into the city after sitting on the dirty ass ferry terminal floor for a little bit. Thats not even my point, the reason I decided to write this is becuase I guess if I confide in a journal type of thing that I would feel better, cause my close friends are the worst people in the world to be confiding in about a girl... lol or anything for that matter...
So, since the end of the summer, lifes been kinda whack ya know
lets see, I lost 1,2,3 um, yea I think like 4 friends completely
well, not completely, people that I just don’t contact anymore
I cant get online anymore, unless im at my parenmts house or create an aol account or get dsl line in my apt. I have my house phone
and I have this cell phone now..
Yes folks, its real lol =)
I don’t talk to heather, I don’t talk to adina, um, I don’t talk to lecah
and besides the loss of christina, who is much more important than any one freind
except for val... I mean, I havent even talked to valerie in some time now
no merry christmas no happy new year
thats been depressing to me almost as much as christina.
Everything has justbeen fucked up
Its intense, I was so used to having someone like christina in my life, who brought just about everything I wanted into it (including stress) but the good outweighs the bad in most cases, but thats not my point.
And not having a lifeline like valerie? Life was getting unbearable for a second
then shit really got fucked up when the drugs came back full force.
From like the middle of may till arounddd right before halloween , I had been really overdoing it.
Then I calmed down
picked it up again for a month or so, then stopped right before christmas, and havent touched it since.
Everyone was doing iton Friday night when people were down from school
it was free, and I was hosting at my house.....
Im kinda proud of myself that I ddint do any, I mean, weed is one thing
coke and everything else....shit is really bad for you and the sooner you realize that , the better
coming down, the nextday, and try doing it for a few months and then stopping for 2 weeks, tell me how you fucking feel.....not good man...not good at all
I admit the mistakes I’ve made, well some of them
I was fucked up for a whilre
the summer was really hard for me, and even the second part of the year I couldnt handle it. I just couldnt, noone could do anything to make me feel better.
Im still kind of fucked up in my head
new years was a mistake
although the regrets in my life are small, I have them
and going to the city on new years was a mistake
I mean, thiers nooone in the world tha I would rather start the new year withe. But man..I cant take the stress
what followed was even more of a mistake
I was way too open, way too kind and way too forgiving
I mean, listen, its christina, and if u know me well enough to know about her...then you know how much she ment(means) to me
Its terribly hard to stay mad at someone for a long period of time with me.
I beliuve that things happen
whatever reason it may be, whether I agree with it or not, thiers a reason, and people make mistakes
including me
and I made one. And now im paying for it
cause I cant stop fucking thinking about this girl
I have nowhere to run to anymore
im on my own
I sound like a crybaby, but when you have feelings for someone, and one second they’re there and the next there not. Needs just don’t go away. Feelings just don’t go away
its just bullshit
everything is just bullshit
sleepless nights
entire days spent in a daydream
life is like a blur
I mean yea, some feelings have gone dorment
and feelings of hatred and some type of animosity has settled in, but I know those feelings are phony, if im not alloud to feel like I used to feel, then I guess my mind is replacing that with another emotion, and if love is unnatainable you become miserable, cuase whats the opposite of love? hate.
Im reduced to calling her at all hours of the early morning with a private number just to hear her voice on her answering machine,cuase thiers somtin wrong with me....thast gotta stop
And buttons died last week too, to top everything off
so thats not sitting too well, my parents are all mopey and whacked out, which means I cant go near them, cause thier way too mushy for parents for my taste.
I work like a maniac tho
it helps keep my mind clear
the kids really do a number on me
and it puts money in my pocket, so eh
friends are priceless people
for those who take them for granted
better realize it now than later
when everyone has moved on...
=(
jesus I miss you guys
ill try and post sometime this weekend if I can, I need to get online to even post this..
We’ll see what happens
ciao.
So, since the end of the summer, lifes been kinda whack ya know
lets see, I lost 1,2,3 um, yea I think like 4 friends completely
well, not completely, people that I just don’t contact anymore
I cant get online anymore, unless im at my parenmts house or create an aol account or get dsl line in my apt. I have my house phone
and I have this cell phone now..
Yes folks, its real lol =)
I don’t talk to heather, I don’t talk to adina, um, I don’t talk to lecah
and besides the loss of christina, who is much more important than any one freind
except for val... I mean, I havent even talked to valerie in some time now
no merry christmas no happy new year
thats been depressing to me almost as much as christina.
Everything has justbeen fucked up
Its intense, I was so used to having someone like christina in my life, who brought just about everything I wanted into it (including stress) but the good outweighs the bad in most cases, but thats not my point.
And not having a lifeline like valerie? Life was getting unbearable for a second
then shit really got fucked up when the drugs came back full force.
From like the middle of may till arounddd right before halloween , I had been really overdoing it.
Then I calmed down
picked it up again for a month or so, then stopped right before christmas, and havent touched it since.
Everyone was doing iton Friday night when people were down from school
it was free, and I was hosting at my house.....
Im kinda proud of myself that I ddint do any, I mean, weed is one thing
coke and everything else....shit is really bad for you and the sooner you realize that , the better
coming down, the nextday, and try doing it for a few months and then stopping for 2 weeks, tell me how you fucking feel.....not good man...not good at all
I admit the mistakes I’ve made, well some of them
I was fucked up for a whilre
the summer was really hard for me, and even the second part of the year I couldnt handle it. I just couldnt, noone could do anything to make me feel better.
Im still kind of fucked up in my head
new years was a mistake
although the regrets in my life are small, I have them
and going to the city on new years was a mistake
I mean, thiers nooone in the world tha I would rather start the new year withe. But man..I cant take the stress
what followed was even more of a mistake
I was way too open, way too kind and way too forgiving
I mean, listen, its christina, and if u know me well enough to know about her...then you know how much she ment(means) to me
Its terribly hard to stay mad at someone for a long period of time with me.
I beliuve that things happen
whatever reason it may be, whether I agree with it or not, thiers a reason, and people make mistakes
including me
and I made one. And now im paying for it
cause I cant stop fucking thinking about this girl
I have nowhere to run to anymore
im on my own
I sound like a crybaby, but when you have feelings for someone, and one second they’re there and the next there not. Needs just don’t go away. Feelings just don’t go away
its just bullshit
everything is just bullshit
sleepless nights
entire days spent in a daydream
life is like a blur
I mean yea, some feelings have gone dorment
and feelings of hatred and some type of animosity has settled in, but I know those feelings are phony, if im not alloud to feel like I used to feel, then I guess my mind is replacing that with another emotion, and if love is unnatainable you become miserable, cuase whats the opposite of love? hate.
Im reduced to calling her at all hours of the early morning with a private number just to hear her voice on her answering machine,cuase thiers somtin wrong with me....thast gotta stop
And buttons died last week too, to top everything off
so thats not sitting too well, my parents are all mopey and whacked out, which means I cant go near them, cause thier way too mushy for parents for my taste.
I work like a maniac tho
it helps keep my mind clear
the kids really do a number on me
and it puts money in my pocket, so eh
friends are priceless people
for those who take them for granted
better realize it now than later
when everyone has moved on...
=(
jesus I miss you guys
ill try and post sometime this weekend if I can, I need to get online to even post this..
We’ll see what happens
ciao.