being happy in this moment
happy easter. i hope everyone has had a very enjoyable day. as for me, i drove back into town this afternoon. i spent a few days hanging out and relaxing with chase and i got to see my mom and younger sisters for a few hours. it was a nice weekend. the easter bunny even paid me an early visit! easter baskets are great. surprisingly enough, i even felt pretty decent for most of the weekend, which was nice. but then "decent" is a relative term meaning "not as bad as usual", in which "the usual" is pretty awful. as much as i appreciated my weekend, and all the time i was feeling pretty good, it's struggling with the frustration of all of this. i'm dealing with everything that i'm going through rather well, it's the things that i'm not getting to do that are driving me crazy. i want to be able to go out. i want to be able to get out and enjoy myself, and take part in normal activities...without worrying about what i might be doing to my body with my weakened immune system or having to stop whatever is going on, to have someone take me home so i can rest. perfect example: last night chase went out with some friends. and i stayed at the house, watching tv and resting, to spend a few minutes with him when he got home, before he passed out. i want to be able to go out and have fun. i want chase and i to be able to have a "normal" relationship. (at least as normal as is possible with the two of us.) i'm not resentful of him going out and having his fun and he hasn't once complained about how things are, or the restrictions that come along with dating a cancer patient, i just hate it, for myself and for him. he keeps telling me "soon enough" or "your birthday" (because i will hopefully be able to enjoy myself by then), but everyone knows how impatient i am. i've just got to hang in there a little bit longer and this will all be a memory, and enjoy the best moments, while i'm waiting...and as frustrated as i can get, with chase and my friends...there are alot of good moments...laughing and whining with ashley...random amusing conversations while i walk with andrew...that first hug from chase when i haven't seen him for a week or two...getting to take naps almost every day...silly conversations with chris...lunch dates...getting to see or talk to my younger sisters...these are the moments i need to be enjoying, whether or not i'm going through chemo...and as frustrated as i get at not being able to be a "normal" 20 year old college student...i think this illness has really helped me understand life and the things that are truly important to me. as katy always says "everything happens for a reason". yup, she's right.