[SPN] Why are you here?
Title: Why are you here?
Author: Danse Amore
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Warnings/Spoilers: Spoilers for 4.22
Summary: Castiel's thoughts after throwing away heaven.
"Why are you here?"
In any other circumstance, Castiel would have almost smiled at that simplest twisting of the the question he hears most often. It's like church bells, that question, "Why am I here? Why am I here?" on the hour, every hour, demanding, increasing. Every human he has ever spoken with, every human who knows his name, his nature, has asked it.
But he doesn't smile, because here it is not repeated but profound, that other quality of church bells. How church bells used to sound, when he believed in the symbol of the song. So he takes the moment, instead, to consider, no matter how painful, why he is here. Takes the moment to remember the times he has asked it of himself.
He remembers wondering it as he walked through the fires of hell, seeing the torture around him, the death-without-dying. Deep sympathy had stirred within him, but only stirred, because he knew...he knew that this place, as all places, was necessary. Was right. Was part of the plan.
He wondered it, until he saw the man in front of him, the knife clutched in fingers scarred beyond recognition, the face twisted into a mask without emotion. Until he pressed his hand to that man's shoulder and launched himself upward on legs more powerful than the chains that bound him. Because as his light burned into that man's skin, he felt the courage of the man's heart, felt the cracks and the breaking of it, and he found himself feeding more and more of himself into him, trying to make him whole.
He remembers wondering it as he stood at the edge of a town just saved, about to lay another burden on shoulders bowed and broken long ago. He wondered it until he felt the contours of Dean's sleeping mind against his wingtips, felt the pain that was so ingrained in the hunter, and began, for the second time, to smooth it away. He wonders until he finds himself on the edge of Dean's bed, waiting for the man to wake from his nightmare.
He remembers wondering it as he stands outside the motel, but this time, he only wonders until Dean prays, and then the thrill of his prayer washes all that away, fills Castiel with hope and love and joy in a world that he thought had lost them.
"We've been through a lot together, you and I." Dean looks at him as if he was mad, and Castiel looks back, trying to put all that wonder, all that understanding and love and questioning, into a simple sentence. "And I wanted to say...I'm sorry that it has to end like this."
Because he KNOWs how it goes. He knows that Lillith will die, that the seal will be broken, that heaven will come to earth. And he knows that Dean, too, Dean will kill Lucifer and live in Paradise with Sam and Bobby and perhaps his father, yes, that oh-so-righteous man who still after a hundred years had refused the knife. He knows he himself will be again immersed in the song.
He knows that this Dean, the Dean with the perpetual air of guilt that he wears like a halo, with the battle-scarred hands and the occult symbols traced in his skin and in his mind, the Dean that remembers who Castiel had been, before the searing light of heaven had cured him...this Dean will die.
And that? That he is sorry for.
And then Dean reaches for him, spins him around, and for a moment the hunter's hand mirrors where Castiel's had been, so long-short-long ago, there in the place of chains. And Castiel has that same deep understanding, and he can see all that Dean is, laid bare. He can see the truth that Dean knows.
Because Dean knows how it goes, too. He knows that this can't happen - that Sammy can't fall, that Lillith can't die, that the seal cannot be broken. That families, that lovers and friends and rivals and enemies, those are the important things, not the light and the song and the distant sound of wings.
And Castiel no longer knows which is truth.
**
Chuck turns to look at them, and again Castiel sees the question, the church bell question in his eyes. "You aren't in this story," he says, and Castiel feels a pang of sympathy for another soul who has lost their truth.
"We're making it up as we go along." He falters, and Dean's face is worth it.
Author: Danse Amore
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Warnings/Spoilers: Spoilers for 4.22
Summary: Castiel's thoughts after throwing away heaven.
"Why are you here?"
In any other circumstance, Castiel would have almost smiled at that simplest twisting of the the question he hears most often. It's like church bells, that question, "Why am I here? Why am I here?" on the hour, every hour, demanding, increasing. Every human he has ever spoken with, every human who knows his name, his nature, has asked it.
But he doesn't smile, because here it is not repeated but profound, that other quality of church bells. How church bells used to sound, when he believed in the symbol of the song. So he takes the moment, instead, to consider, no matter how painful, why he is here. Takes the moment to remember the times he has asked it of himself.
He remembers wondering it as he walked through the fires of hell, seeing the torture around him, the death-without-dying. Deep sympathy had stirred within him, but only stirred, because he knew...he knew that this place, as all places, was necessary. Was right. Was part of the plan.
He wondered it, until he saw the man in front of him, the knife clutched in fingers scarred beyond recognition, the face twisted into a mask without emotion. Until he pressed his hand to that man's shoulder and launched himself upward on legs more powerful than the chains that bound him. Because as his light burned into that man's skin, he felt the courage of the man's heart, felt the cracks and the breaking of it, and he found himself feeding more and more of himself into him, trying to make him whole.
He remembers wondering it as he stood at the edge of a town just saved, about to lay another burden on shoulders bowed and broken long ago. He wondered it until he felt the contours of Dean's sleeping mind against his wingtips, felt the pain that was so ingrained in the hunter, and began, for the second time, to smooth it away. He wonders until he finds himself on the edge of Dean's bed, waiting for the man to wake from his nightmare.
He remembers wondering it as he stands outside the motel, but this time, he only wonders until Dean prays, and then the thrill of his prayer washes all that away, fills Castiel with hope and love and joy in a world that he thought had lost them.
"We've been through a lot together, you and I." Dean looks at him as if he was mad, and Castiel looks back, trying to put all that wonder, all that understanding and love and questioning, into a simple sentence. "And I wanted to say...I'm sorry that it has to end like this."
Because he KNOWs how it goes. He knows that Lillith will die, that the seal will be broken, that heaven will come to earth. And he knows that Dean, too, Dean will kill Lucifer and live in Paradise with Sam and Bobby and perhaps his father, yes, that oh-so-righteous man who still after a hundred years had refused the knife. He knows he himself will be again immersed in the song.
He knows that this Dean, the Dean with the perpetual air of guilt that he wears like a halo, with the battle-scarred hands and the occult symbols traced in his skin and in his mind, the Dean that remembers who Castiel had been, before the searing light of heaven had cured him...this Dean will die.
And that? That he is sorry for.
And then Dean reaches for him, spins him around, and for a moment the hunter's hand mirrors where Castiel's had been, so long-short-long ago, there in the place of chains. And Castiel has that same deep understanding, and he can see all that Dean is, laid bare. He can see the truth that Dean knows.
Because Dean knows how it goes, too. He knows that this can't happen - that Sammy can't fall, that Lillith can't die, that the seal cannot be broken. That families, that lovers and friends and rivals and enemies, those are the important things, not the light and the song and the distant sound of wings.
And Castiel no longer knows which is truth.
**
Chuck turns to look at them, and again Castiel sees the question, the church bell question in his eyes. "You aren't in this story," he says, and Castiel feels a pang of sympathy for another soul who has lost their truth.
"We're making it up as we go along." He falters, and Dean's face is worth it.