Wise Agreements, Fake Clients, and Lessons Learned
I know I said that I never fight for anyone. Basically, because I view fighting for people a useless waste of energy and time. I fight for things, for ideals, to keep my defensive shields in place. But rarely, if never, do I fight for someone. And I think that the reason is not because of some ideal that if you love someone you let them go....blah blah blah, but because of the vulnerability it takes to set out your hurt before someone and say here is my hurt here are my needs can a deal be made? I never do that. In fact, it was hard last weekend to do that during the Negotiation Seminar class I attended with fake problems and fake clients.
But I think, or well I hope I think, that I learned a valuable lesson. The best negotiated deals, the ones where both parties left feeling better, feeling as though they weren't losing, but that a creative solution had been agreed upon, were the ones where each side sat down, said, here is our position, here are our facts, here are our needs, what are yours so that we can come to an Wise Agreement (as our Professor put it). It was liberating to be able to do that and get results. I am a very result oriented person, I have goals only in that I like to see results.
So last week I took someone aside and said here is what I can and cannot do. And while that conversation was hard and rewarding in its own right, I think the results would have been more efficient and effective if I had said, and here are my facts I am working off of, i.e. conversations you were not privy to but information you need in order to help us come to a Wise Agreement. And now because I was afraid to lay out the hurt, the other party did not have all of the information, and a renegotiated deal is in order. URGH. ok, sigh, I got that urgh out.
Saying out loud hurt is never easy. I like to keep things hidden away and deal with my bleeding ulcers on my own time. But that is not conducive to actually getting rid of the ulcers. If it was liberating to set out all for fake clients than how much more liberating it could be to set out all for myself. Then it becomes not about whether I have or have not let someone make their own decisions, its not about whether I have let someone else go and come back, or whether I have control but it becomes about what is solution to this problem that we both can brainstorm on, we both can think about and deal with, because we both have all the information.
I am not sure I can do this. But I would like to try. I would like to stop being the naive, angsty, jaded person I've been accused of being and instead say this is my reality, this is my hurt, if you can I would like to come to a Wise Agreement with you, if not than I have to walk away from the deal.
But I think, or well I hope I think, that I learned a valuable lesson. The best negotiated deals, the ones where both parties left feeling better, feeling as though they weren't losing, but that a creative solution had been agreed upon, were the ones where each side sat down, said, here is our position, here are our facts, here are our needs, what are yours so that we can come to an Wise Agreement (as our Professor put it). It was liberating to be able to do that and get results. I am a very result oriented person, I have goals only in that I like to see results.
So last week I took someone aside and said here is what I can and cannot do. And while that conversation was hard and rewarding in its own right, I think the results would have been more efficient and effective if I had said, and here are my facts I am working off of, i.e. conversations you were not privy to but information you need in order to help us come to a Wise Agreement. And now because I was afraid to lay out the hurt, the other party did not have all of the information, and a renegotiated deal is in order. URGH. ok, sigh, I got that urgh out.
Saying out loud hurt is never easy. I like to keep things hidden away and deal with my bleeding ulcers on my own time. But that is not conducive to actually getting rid of the ulcers. If it was liberating to set out all for fake clients than how much more liberating it could be to set out all for myself. Then it becomes not about whether I have or have not let someone make their own decisions, its not about whether I have let someone else go and come back, or whether I have control but it becomes about what is solution to this problem that we both can brainstorm on, we both can think about and deal with, because we both have all the information.
I am not sure I can do this. But I would like to try. I would like to stop being the naive, angsty, jaded person I've been accused of being and instead say this is my reality, this is my hurt, if you can I would like to come to a Wise Agreement with you, if not than I have to walk away from the deal.