(no subject)
Its almost easter, almost, less than 2 weeks away. I gave up relationship / dating / sex / anything that really had to do with opposite sex even leading up to anything. Going out for coffee and stuff was fine, but nothing even relatively close to intimate. And now that I stopped getting upset and tired and heartbroken, I stared piecing things back together over what happened. By looking from my own point of view, trying to put myself in her shoes, and by watching the same thing happen to someone else. No one who really reads this would know who I watched this happen to, but I slowly watched it happen to my friend Kristin and her boyfriend. From her and that I saw a lot of truth and possibly even what steph was thinking and seeing leading up to us breaking up. From that I can write my final thoughts on it, and I can leave it as my final thoughts, becuase now, after easter is over, I can get on with my life. Maybe not with someone else, but that will come it time.
Leading up to us breaking up I know that when she told me that she felt different about me, It didn't happen overnight. It had been happening for a long time, her distancing herself from me. I just never really notticed it that much, or maybe I didn't want to notice. Besides the point, I knew she had a thing for Mels and he had a thing for her. But looking at things from a different angle, that may not be the case but a quick answer dreamed up by me, as I was running the emotional guantlet. I think she also went into college thinking that going into college with a relationship was a bad idea and that people who went in were doomed to failure. Maybe it was a pretext and maybe it was not I don't know.
Maybe she got tired of me, or maybe she started to find more intrest in with Ben or Mels, either could have happened. Maybe she looked at us and realized that we were and even are still complete opposites. We hardly have anything in common, the phrase that "opposites attract" was very true in our case, we were polar opposites. She may have become tired of me being protective and trying to sheild her from a world that I knew would lead to thing a like this, and she felt trapt as she said. Maybe it was the same problem with communication that we had all along, that was the bane of most of our problems. Maybe I tested the waters to early for the future. I don't know it could have been any of these, it could have been all of them, it could have been more for all I know.
Eventually she felt different about me, and when she told me, that last month I knew how it would end. I knew from day 1 it was a death knell. I didn't want to believe it myself, but eventually you have to be truthful even to yourself. So eventually she broke it off with a lot of teary eyes, and broken hearted depression from me. I got sick, tired, depressed, I tried to kill myself and failed. I felt like I had hit rock bottom, I felt liek there was nothing else left for me, such a large part of my life had walked out without much of a care. She cares for the body, not the soul.....thats what I kept telling myself til we cut all talking. When we did and she expressed we could be friends again, I thought about it and the time apart didn't make me feel better about what happened, it just grew and bred rage under the surface. I didn't know if she felt she did it right or wrong, if she even felt bad about everything. She didn't seem afterwards to have a care in the world she seemed free as I rotted in hell.
Then I saw the thing with Kristin and what she was feeling on her end with her guy. I saw how in a long relationship It could happen, and probably would. I watched her grow apart from him, and eventually break off from him. Then I slowly understood what happened and why. I didn't feel any better, but I understood. I didn't feel so bitter about it until I saw her and ben, I knew they were falling in love. Slowly but surely they were. Thats what enbittered me to her. That not even 2 months after we broke up she was already falling in love again, with someone else. All I felt was anger, that the last few months meant nothing because of all of this. Then I remembered how I met her again when we first started dating. She was a crying soppy mess that was trying to get over her ex who had basically dropped her becuase he was very possibly cheating on her. I looked at it that way, she may not have cheated on me, she may have. But in the end, it made no difference, the outcome was still the same. She fell out of love not for reasons that I didn't understand but for reasons I didn't want to accept. So there we have it, her breaking things with me and falling in love with someone else. Thats the gist of it.
Im only writing this becuase this is my last post about her, becuase I feel that I can talk about everything that happened. I am getting over her. In no way am I really happy with her right now or any less bitter about everything. But I feel that I can at least talk about what happened on here. I can feel better about it, because its over. I don't want to see her for the rest of the semester, and It maybe better for both of us in the long run. But I can understand what happened, how it happened, and I looked at it from her, mine, and a 3rd point of view and I can see how and why things happened as they did. I don't know if everything I put down here is the truth and I may never know, and you know what? I am happy if I never know, If i never knew how things turned out after I would be fine, im fine right now not knowning everything tht happened when we were together. Its just another page in my life, another one that Im going to be happy to put behind me to remember the good and try not to dwell on the bad and the past.
Daniel Andrew Simpson
Leading up to us breaking up I know that when she told me that she felt different about me, It didn't happen overnight. It had been happening for a long time, her distancing herself from me. I just never really notticed it that much, or maybe I didn't want to notice. Besides the point, I knew she had a thing for Mels and he had a thing for her. But looking at things from a different angle, that may not be the case but a quick answer dreamed up by me, as I was running the emotional guantlet. I think she also went into college thinking that going into college with a relationship was a bad idea and that people who went in were doomed to failure. Maybe it was a pretext and maybe it was not I don't know.
Maybe she got tired of me, or maybe she started to find more intrest in with Ben or Mels, either could have happened. Maybe she looked at us and realized that we were and even are still complete opposites. We hardly have anything in common, the phrase that "opposites attract" was very true in our case, we were polar opposites. She may have become tired of me being protective and trying to sheild her from a world that I knew would lead to thing a like this, and she felt trapt as she said. Maybe it was the same problem with communication that we had all along, that was the bane of most of our problems. Maybe I tested the waters to early for the future. I don't know it could have been any of these, it could have been all of them, it could have been more for all I know.
Eventually she felt different about me, and when she told me, that last month I knew how it would end. I knew from day 1 it was a death knell. I didn't want to believe it myself, but eventually you have to be truthful even to yourself. So eventually she broke it off with a lot of teary eyes, and broken hearted depression from me. I got sick, tired, depressed, I tried to kill myself and failed. I felt like I had hit rock bottom, I felt liek there was nothing else left for me, such a large part of my life had walked out without much of a care. She cares for the body, not the soul.....thats what I kept telling myself til we cut all talking. When we did and she expressed we could be friends again, I thought about it and the time apart didn't make me feel better about what happened, it just grew and bred rage under the surface. I didn't know if she felt she did it right or wrong, if she even felt bad about everything. She didn't seem afterwards to have a care in the world she seemed free as I rotted in hell.
Then I saw the thing with Kristin and what she was feeling on her end with her guy. I saw how in a long relationship It could happen, and probably would. I watched her grow apart from him, and eventually break off from him. Then I slowly understood what happened and why. I didn't feel any better, but I understood. I didn't feel so bitter about it until I saw her and ben, I knew they were falling in love. Slowly but surely they were. Thats what enbittered me to her. That not even 2 months after we broke up she was already falling in love again, with someone else. All I felt was anger, that the last few months meant nothing because of all of this. Then I remembered how I met her again when we first started dating. She was a crying soppy mess that was trying to get over her ex who had basically dropped her becuase he was very possibly cheating on her. I looked at it that way, she may not have cheated on me, she may have. But in the end, it made no difference, the outcome was still the same. She fell out of love not for reasons that I didn't understand but for reasons I didn't want to accept. So there we have it, her breaking things with me and falling in love with someone else. Thats the gist of it.
Im only writing this becuase this is my last post about her, becuase I feel that I can talk about everything that happened. I am getting over her. In no way am I really happy with her right now or any less bitter about everything. But I feel that I can at least talk about what happened on here. I can feel better about it, because its over. I don't want to see her for the rest of the semester, and It maybe better for both of us in the long run. But I can understand what happened, how it happened, and I looked at it from her, mine, and a 3rd point of view and I can see how and why things happened as they did. I don't know if everything I put down here is the truth and I may never know, and you know what? I am happy if I never know, If i never knew how things turned out after I would be fine, im fine right now not knowning everything tht happened when we were together. Its just another page in my life, another one that Im going to be happy to put behind me to remember the good and try not to dwell on the bad and the past.
Daniel Andrew Simpson