Drake, Josh, and Megan Declassified
Drake, Josh, and Megan Declassified
Klaus Schilling
<schilling.klaus@web.de>
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: iDon't Own Ned's Declassified SSG or Drake & Josh.
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the quoted songs.
Abstract
Fandoms: Ned's Declassified SSG, Drake & Josh
Characters: Drake Parker/Ned Bigby, Josh Nichols/Evelyn Kwong, Crazy Steve/Custodian Gordy
Genre: Melodramatic Multiplot Short Story;Family, Friendship, Fluff, Science Fiction, Music
Summary: Drake's Band is hired for the middle school graduation party at James K. Polk.
Note: Takes off after the Hollywood Special of Drake & Josh and before the obsoleted series final of Ned's Declassified SSG
Table of Contents
Expo
Ned Bigby, Jenifer Mosely aka Moze, and Simon Nelson Cooke aka Cookie sat together in the foyer of James K.Polk Middle School in San Diego County.
"Last years's graduation party was lame!" Ned complained.
Cookie nodded. "It was. And so was the party the year before, and the year before the year before, and so on ..."
"Hey! Let's organise a party that really rocks!" Jenifer suggested.
"Principal Wright and Vice Principal Crubs won't allow for that." Cookie sighed. "Unless ..."
Custodian Gordy wiped the floor in the basement. "Hi kids!"
Ned told Gordy about their dilemma.
"Cack at custodian college, we've invited a rocking star." Gordy sighed. "We've used the basement of the campus and the teachers never noticed it."
Moze, Ned, and Cookie sighed.
"Where do we get a rocking star from?" Ned moaned. "I want to become a rock star, but I'm not yet there ..."
"Don't you watch MTV special?" Gordy asked the three pupils.
Ned scratched his head. "I do!" Then he remembered. "Hey! Last weekend they had presented a shooting star from San Diego!"
"We are in San Diego County!" Moze remarked.
Ned beamed. "OK, his name is ... Drake Parker!"
Jenifer and Simon smiled. "OK, let's hire him!" They bounced around, cheering like nobody's business.
Gordy nodded. "OK, now I have to hunt the weasle!" He yelled insanely when he wielded a butterfly net and swang it around. "He who dances with the weasle!"
Moze took her phone. She had already called the Vice President of Sunset Studio in Hollywood where Drake Parker and his band had performed just two weeks ago, whence she knew the number of Josh Nichols, the step brother and fresh manager of Drake Parker's band. "OK, am I talking to Mr. Nichols?"
"Yeah, ma'm." Josh twitched.
"You're representing Mr. Drake Parker and his band, right?" Moze asked for assurance. "We want to hire him for a school party, here at James K. Polk's in La Mesa.."
Josh confirmed Moze's assumption. Alas, the payment for the whole thing ...
"4000 bucks?" Moze sighed deeply, and so did Ned and Cookie. Their experiences with raising funds for school events had been, let's put it mildly, mediocre.
"Sorry, I wish I could go a lot below that." Josh sobbed. "Fortunately, we're inclined to accept partial payment with goods instead of money. We've done so for a prep school near Santa Monica, the PCA. Hence Drake is willing to do it again."
Moze sighed. There was some hope left. But what goods did they have to offer unto a band like Drake's?
"I could invent a new fortifiar for their electronic instruments ..." Cookie suggested.
Jenifer proferred that suggestion unto Josh Nichols who agreed because that's something a pop rockband like Drake had always been looking for.
Drake scratched his head. Jenifer Mosely? Hey, there was that volleyball match, Belleview vs. Polk ... Polk's team around some Jenifer Mosely and Suzannah Crabgrass had eradicated Belleview's, and Drake had been busy for weeks comforting all the snugglish volleybabes of Belleview, especially that cute blonde and that hazel beauty. Those were the days that still made Drake swoon ecstatically ... Unfortunately, their basketball team had been equally strong. They had probably been trained by Josh's grammie. Drake still felt how some Seth Powers had beaten the hell out of him.
Josh had painful memories from the times he had been replacing football quarterback Witherspoon after Megan's brownies had almost killed the tough guy. After the glorious victory against Lincoln, there had been the disastrous defeat at La Mesa. Some Billy Loomer had bruised Josh into oblivion ... Josh was still dizzy.
Megan chuckled. James K. Polk ... hey, that was the school of Simon Nelson Cooke, the guy who had sold her most of the gadgets she had used for torturing the boobs! That was going to be a lot of fun! Of course she just had to come to that concert. Even more, she knew that Cookie had beaten the hell out of Mindy Crenshaw in last year's county-wide science fair. Maybe Josh should learn from him? She also knew that James K. Polk had a great classical orchestra, including the oboe twins Stacey and Tracey. Megan looked forward to competing with them face to face. Alas, she also remembered the bitter defeat that her soccer team had to experience against that of Polk's. Their captain had been a real Brazilian Junior Seleção member, Fernão Fortin, what a guy. Megan still swooned, the bitter defeat notwithstanding. Their goalkeeper, Ned Bigby, in turn, had been so suckish, if that was even a word ... he reminded her a lot of Drake ... hey! There was an idea!
Desis
Abusing the key of Mr. Munroe, the teacher for parenting and family management, Ned and Cookie opened the door to the stairway that lead down to the basement of the school. He didn't care about the warnings that had been written next to the door, on labels visable from afar: Attention, ferocious weasle! Danger - explosive chemicals! Beware ... All he did was shrug and move on.
Trembling all over, Moze followed her friend. Cookie did the same. His suit was chock full with gadgets that he deemed useful for the exploration of underground areas. He explained all of these to Ned and Moze, alas, they refused to listen.
Moze looked at her watch. "OK, Drake Parker and his manager Josh should be here any moment!"
Cookie heard them coming.
"Hi! My name is Jenifer. Please call me Jenifer, not Moze!" Moze shook Drake's hand.
"OK, Moze!" Drake shrugged.
"This is my manager Josh!" Drake beamed.
All of a sudden, megan stumbled in. "Hey, boobs! Did you think you come here without me?" She glared menaciously at Drake and Josh.
"Who's that?" Ned wondered.
"That's my annoying little sister Megan ..." Drake remarked until he felt an elbow in his hips.
Cookie led the visitors downstairs. "OK, we need to check the accoustics ..."
Ned smiled. "I want to become a rockstar, too ... may you help me?"
Drake nodded. "Just watch and learn!"
Ned sighed.
Cookie smiled. "A few months ago, I've invented some laser balls that visualise guitar music."
Drake smiled. "Wow! I've bought some!"
"Cool!"Cookie smiled. "Alas, I've improved and upgraded those. If you play for our graduation party, you may use them for a whole year - exclusively!"
Drake smiled. "Oh man, that will rock!"
"Fair deal!" Josh smiled.
Megan was bored, whence she walked around and inspected the school hall. She met Billy Loomer who bullied a few sixthgraders. That was not nice, or so concluded Megan. A few terrible pranks were due. She was properly looking for the Oboe twins, Stacey and Tracy. "Hi, you ..." Megan asked Coconut Head who was just passing by.
"Er?" Coconut Head shrugged.
"I'm looking for Stacy and Tracy Oboe ..." Megan looked sternly. "And get a better hair cut! You look worse than my boobs!"
Coconut Head coughed. "They must be in the gym."
A teacher passed by, missing his pants.
"Cool!" Megan beamed. "What happened to that guy?"
"Aw, that's Mr. Sweeny, our teacher for chemistry and physics ..." Coconut Head explained. "I guess strongly that Matthew Palmer Noid has made his pants disappear, again ..."
Megan grinned. "Cool! Where may I find Matthew Paranoid?"
Coconut Head moaned. "He's a sixthgrader, thus he's probably downstairs from here ..."
Megan shrugged. "OK, thanks ..." She waved and walked away.
Drake smiled. "OK, Moze, I have to call my friends who will help me with the instruments ... Craig, Eric, and Steve."
Moze nodded.
"While we're waiting, I suggest we could make out a bit." Drake suggeted. "I'm a very good kisser ..."
Moze was upset. She slapped Drake across the cheek. "No way, you jerk!"
Drake whimpered.
Josh laughed heartily. "He thinks himself irresistible!" Then he picked up his cellular phone and called his friends from the cinema.
Megan strolled the entrance hall of the school. She asked her way around until she found Matthew Palmer Noid. "Hi Matthew!"
Palmer Noid shrugged. "Should I know you?"
"Oh, you should ..." Megan beamed. "Alas, I doubt that you do ... thing is ... I've heard you do some cool stuff to people, such as making the clothes disappear that they are wearing, and they don't even notice that ..."
Matthew smiled. "True ... why?"
"Well, I like pulling pranks on dumb people, especially so-called boobs." Megan sighed. "Maybe we can work together ..."
"Cool!" Matthew beamed. "I like to have a partner that thinks alike ... Oh, I have to go to those cheezin English classes ..."
"Cheezin?" Megan didn't quite understand, until he started freaking out. She shrugged. Maybe a bit of music worked. She unzipped her oboe scabbard and started playing a tune from Vivaldi's Quattro Stagioni. This worked wonders.
"Thanks!" Matthew smiled. "That's much better than the oboe twins. When I'm freaking out, only certain Classic musics may calm me, and you've struck gold!"
Megan smiled. "I like you a lot ..."
Matthew pecked Megan's cheeks. "OK, luv you too ... but now it's off to my classes ..." He waved and handed Megan his number.
Waiting for Craig, Eric, and Steve to bring them the instruments, Drake strolled the locker hall.
Along came Suzie Crabgrass. "Hey! Aren't you that cute rock star that has been on MTV last night?"
"Sure!" Drake smiled. "Want to make out, baby?"
"Sorry ..." Suzie sighed. "But I've already got a date with Loomer."
"Loomer what?" Drake shrugged before he remembered that this was the brute bully who had once beat up Josh. "OK, thanks , I'm out of here!" Drake snuck away, escaping Loomer's jealous gaze.
Josh strolled along the main hall. He looked at the honours board and smiled.
"Hey! What are you looking here?" A girl thundered right behind Josh.
Josh shrugged. "I'm reading the honours list. Cookie seems to be one smartass!"
Evelyn, the girl behind Josh, looked grimly. "Why are you gazing like that?"
"I'm not!" Josh twitched.
Evelyn grinned evilly. "I'm number two on the honours roll. I've always been number two!" Evelyn moaned. "Thus I'm only the co-valedictorian of the graduation event. Do you know what that means, being always the number two?"
"Actually ..." Josh sighed because he had always been second to Mindy Crenshaw. "I do ..." He twitched. "At my school, I've always been beaten by Mindy, especially at science fairs." He sighed deeply. "That really sucks."
"Yeah, it does!" Evelyn Kwong yelled.
Finally, Craig, Eric, and Steve arrived in the basement, coomplete with Drake's instruments.
Ned had called custodian Gordy for help.
Gordy grinned. "OK. Let's hurry up!"
Drake's friends deposited the instruments.
"That's the light switch for this part of the basement ..." Gordy smiled. "On ... and off ... and on?" Too bad it didn't work anymore. "OK, the nightshift is going to fix that! Excuse me, I've got to hunt a weasle!"
"What?"Crazy Steve grabbed Gordy. "We've made the whole way from Belleview to La Mesa, just in order to sit inthe dark untill the nightshift comes to fix it?"Steve was angry. "No way! You're going to fix it, now!"Steve yelled at Gordy.
"OK, OK ... " Gordy sighed humbly, trembling nervously. Who dared to contradict that psychopath, anyways?
Ned had fetched organised a portable lamp from Gordy's closet.
Eric stumbled into Moze. "Oh, sorry. Usually, I don't hang out in places like this."
"Me neither ..." Moze shrugged.
"Do you like geometry?" Eric grinned.
"It's my favourite subject!" Moze beamed. "I love the law of Pythagoras!"
Eric talked about triangles..
Drake was mad at Eric because he didn't help as much as he should have done.
Finally, Gordy had fixed the lights, and the stage was established pretty fast.
Crisis
Finally, graduation day had come, and the upcoming party had not become beknownst to any teacher.
Cookie checked the accoustics for one more time. "Everything runs well," said he.
Drake cheered as he was looking forward to his performance.
Alas, valedictorian Cookie was going to give a talk.
Megan and Matthew had snuck into the basement. They were now hiding under the chairs.
More precisely, Megan hid under Josh's chair. She used Josh's bootstraps in order to tie his shoes to the legs of the chair. Then she stuffed her ears, as she didn't want to listen to the boring speech given by Cookie. She was up to sneaking to Cookie's locker in order to sneak some knew gadgets that she deemed useful for torturing Drake and Josh the way they duly deserved to be tortured.
Alas, the speech weasn't finished when the door to the basement was opened by surprise.
Most of the pupils and guest feared that one of the teachers had gotten at the bottom of the secret celebrations, but that was not the case.
Instead, Helen Baxter, owner of San Diego's biggest cinema and former start actress, made her way down the staircase. "Hey! You don't even dare to run a party without me, do you?"
Josh felt like hit by a lightning bolt. "No, why would we?" stammered he uncontrollably, twitching left and right.
"Good so!" Helen grabbed the microphone from flabbergasted Simon Nelson Cooke.
"Hey!" Alas, Cookie didn't really dare to speak up to the domineering theatre queen.
Helen talked about the fun that was ahead of the pupils. "And this means ... Drake Parker!"
Drake and two of his band's members, Gary and Scotty, entered the stage.
Helen summed up the merits of Drake's bands.
Alas, Josh was the first to notice something strange.
But Drake had already started playing.
Josh was consternated. He whispered something into Moze's ear. "They don't wear pants!"
Moze was shocked. "Eeeeeew!" A band without pants, performing in front of some hundred pupils, that wasn't anything good!
Megan and Matthew laughed like crazy.
Matthew held proudly four pairs of trousers in his hands.
Megan wondered. "Whose pants are those?"
"Ned Bigby," explained Matthew, "he's a boob, too!"
"Yeah! He is!" Megan smiled mischievously.
Too bad, Drake didn't notice zilch.
Megan and Mathew crep a few rows away. They whispered something unto each other, explaining the fiurther plans.
Without warning, a small and elegant mamal travered the stage at the speed of light, biting the wires and disappearing again.
Drake was consternated. "What was that?"
Custodian Gordy had been silent until then. But now he had to yell. "The weasle! Don't let it escape!"
The pupils were seized by turmoil.
Gordy grabbed the microphone and swang it wildly. "I'm going to catch the weasle, and if it's the last thing to do in my life!" He screamed like a barbarian and stumbled across the stage, right into Crazy Steve.
"Hey!" Steve was horribly upset.
Helen tried to calm the situation, but she was powerless. Noone had ever been prepared for a clash between Crazy Steve and custodian Gordy.
Steve followed Gordy.
Now they started hunting the weasle together, but they still yelled at each other like nobody's business.
Helen gave it up. It wasn't getting anywhere. But she noticed Drake's lack of pants. "Hey! Your legs aren't that impressive!"
"My legs?" Drake shrugged. "How would you know about my ..." Not until this moment had he noticed that his legs were stripped of their cover. "Whoaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh! Where are my pants?"
"Where is my blouse?" scremed Gary. He used to borrow his sister's blouse against her will.
Scotty coughed and choked like crazy. But he was almost naked, too.
Josh stood up in order to come to Drake's rescue. or he tried to do so, but he didn't really get far, given that his shoes were tied to his chair. With a thundering thud, Josh slumped clumsily to the cold floor. He whimpered and twitched.
Megan laughed her butt off.
Evelyn tried to untie Josh. But it wasn't easy. Megan had done the knots fairly well.
Josh twitched like a fury.
"Keep quiet!" commanded Evelyn brashly. "How am I supposed to untie you if you keep twitching like a stranded tuna ..."
Megan snuck up to Drake. "Really, the girls will be disappointed!"
Drake sighed with resignation.
"OK, I've discovered some wardrobe not far from here. You should hide in there and grab a substitute pair of trousers."
Josh was finally free. Alas, as soon as he tried to stand up, he felt run over by the weasle. Josh was totally ticklish right at those spots that had been touched by the weasle's claws. "That's itchy!" He he couldn't stop laughing.
Evelyn helped Josh back on his feet. "OK, better be more careful!"
As soon as both of the nerds were standing again, Crazy Steve and Gordy ran over them.
"Keep out of my way!" yelled Steve.
Evelyn and Josh helped each other up again.
Megan had grabbed Drake by the wrists and dragged him to a wardrobe. "OK, that's it!"
Drake didn't really trust the situation, but he thought himself left without a choice.
Just in the moment when Drake disappeared in the closet, Ned Bigby came along, dragged by Matthew Palmer Noid. "Really? That wardrobe?"
Matthew nodded. "It's your only chance to don new pants!"
Ned sighed, and he obeyed to what Matthew Palmer Noid had suggested.
Megan took a portable lock and attached it quickly to the closet.
Matthew turned the key. "Got them!"
Megan high-fived with Matthew.
Infernal screms were heard from the closet.
Megan walked over to Josh. "Hi boob!"
"Have you seen Drake?" wondered Josh.
Megan shrugged her shoulders, and whistled innocently.
Evelyn grabbed Josh. "Now kiss me, you dork!"
Josh twitch helplessly when he felt the firm grip of Evelyn Kwong's xlumsy hands around his neck. But he couldn't help obeyiong to her commands.
Unfortunately, screams from said closet were very easy to hear in the lounge of the teachers, especially the corner of Mr. Sweeny.
Helen had no clue concerning what had happened to Drake. She shrugged and entertained the pupils with some dance from the eighties.
All of a sudden, the door of the basedment opened again.
The pupils' nightmare had come true: Mr. Sweeny!
"What do I see? An illeganl party?" Sweeny grinned diabolically.
Megan coughed, but she had got an idea. "OK, Josh, you're an expert for chemistry, and Sweeny is a teacher for chemistry. Now go and save the party!"
Josh shrugged and obeyed. He stepped up to Mr. Sweeny. "Sir! I've got a question about advanced molecular chemistry."
"Oh, that's interesting!" Mr. Sweeny beamed. "Too bad the students here are never interested in molecular chemistry."
"Maybe the science lab is a better place for my question." Josh sighed. "I've recenrtly experimented with aromatic complexes and substitutions ..."
Mr. Sweeny agreed. "OK, you're so right, the lab is really a better place for us!"
Megan grinned astutely.
Helen sighed, and she took care for the party to go on. The pupils started dancing. Even Eric Blonowitz danced with Moze while talking about non-euclidean geometry.
Craig Ramirez, Eric's best friend, grabbed Lisa Zemo who smiled brightly.
Finally, Custodian Gordy decided to give up on hunting the weasle. He passed by the closet and heard Ned's and Drake's strange screams. He opened the closet.
Ned and Drake were now dressed in garbage bags.
"OK, Ned, Drake, you don't have to be that ashamed to hide in a closet."
Drake and Ned shrugged.
When Helen found the walking garbage sacks, she told them to perform together.
Josh came back. "OK. Mr. Sweeny is on his way downtown in order to buy new books about chemistry. His books are already over thirty years old."
Helen didn't want to know any details about chemistry. "Shut up, Josh!"
Evelyn grabbed Josh for a fiery twitch dance which they named The revenge of the co-valedictorians. "OK, but starting with next week, we will work together towards becoming next year's valedictorians. It sucks always be the second best!"
Josh nodded wholeheartedly.
All the breakdowns notwithstanding, the party was a plain success, definitely the greatest graduation party that James K. Polk Middle School had ever seen.
Drake, Josh and Megan smiled when they left La Mesa for Belleview.
Lysis
Drake and Josh had not been pleased with Megan's pranks during the party.
Megan whistled innocently, just as it used to be her style. "Oh, I just thought that Drake and ned would be such a cool combo of boobs."
Drake and Josh looked consternated.
Alas Drake knew very well that Ned had everything needed in order to make it into a rocking band: Loose morals, laziness when it came to school stuff, and so on, especially he was no dork like Josh, thus he would learn easily to learn the guitar. Who cared about the notes of the scale, anyways, a reckless sense for show is all you needed ... Drake swooned without end.
Josh shrugged. "And that guuy who helped you with the pranks?"
"Matthew Palmer Noid?" Megan blushed. "Why?"
"You were damn' close, it seems," remarked Josh.
"Dream on, boob!" Megan whistled innocently. "Unless you want to talk about Evelyn Kwong!"
Already the name was pure terror in Drake's ears, little wonder he hid under the table.
Josh twitched.
Megan grinned nefariously. "OK, it seems that many pupils from la mesa are going to switch to Belleview for high-school."
Drake sighed. "Yeah, that will be great, I could make music together with Ned, we would rock a lot, wouldn't we?"
"And Evelyn will come too!" Josh beamed brightly. Then he banged his giant skull against the wall, because he has just admitted to Evelyn Kwong.
Megan sighed. "Josh, that is nothing bad. She might yell at you, but this makes you just better."
"Do you really think so," wondered Josh.
Megan nodded. "She might be even more scary than Mindy, but you get allong just nicely."
Josh smiled. "Yeah! Maybe we will beat Mindy at next year's science fair!"
Megan chuckled. "Aw.... Simon Nelson Cook is coming, too. Now think of him ganging up with Mindy ..."
Josh twitched in dismay.
The next year, a big deal of the class that had just graduated from James K. Polk Middle School started at Belleview High School, the best of all high schools in the county of San Diego.
Much to Megan's glee, Matthew Palmer Noid switched as well, although he was only a middle school kid.
Ned joined Drake's band, and was now a co-leader of some sorts. Ned and Drake soon became inseparable.
Megan and Matthew were the axis of prankery at Belleview.
Mrs. Hayfer had to quit because she couldn't handle running around without pants.
This caused Drake to forgive Megan and Matthew Palmer Noid.
At the same time, Eric Blonowitz dated Jenifer Mosely, while Craig Ramirez took a chance on Claire Sawyer, future lawyer, one of Jenifer's long-time friends.
At the science fair, it was a close competition between the team Evelyn Kwong/Josh Nichols, and the team Simon Nelson Cooke/Mindy Crenshaw.
This time, the eternal losers struck back and beat the hell out of Mindy and Cookie.
Four years later, Joshuah Nichols and Evelyn Kwong stepped down the aisle, reachingf for the altar where the fattest priest of the world was awaiting them.
Megan took her oboe, and she blew the wedding march by Mendelsson-Bartholdy for Josh and Evelyn. She had to play a lot in order to keep Matthew Palmer Noid from freaking out.
Josh and Evelyn started cutting the wedding cake.
Suddenly, the cake blew up, covering Jish and Evelyn with chocolate cream.
"Aw Megan!" thundered Josh.
Evelyn's gown was all spoiled.
But neither Evelyn nor Josh were really mad at Megan.
Megan and Matthew grinned. They had caught the bouquet and the garter, respectively.
Ned and Drake had no qualms licking the scattered remains of the wedding cake.
The End