OH GOD PLEASE! END THIS BULLSHIT BEFORE IT KILLS MY BRAIN!
"Act Five: The Startling Grand Finale Or The STARTLING GRAND Finale"
Note: Sorry for the long wait for the end of this tale. I was hit with a bad case of the dreaded writers block. But have no fear true believers, I'm back like an albatros and I won't leave you alone 'till you fuckin' die from it....cunt.
Scene One
Dan trudges through the harsh terrain of the Yucatan Peninsula. I have not-a-fucking-clue what the weather is like on the Yucatan Peninsula so we're gonna go with snow. You like that? Snow? Yeah have at it fuck squirrel. Said snow pounds at his face and the freezing wind whips at him and other things that explain how cold it is. He comes upon a tiny wooden shack almost buried in the white powder. He throws his coat to the side and whips out a pair of lugers.
Danpanik: Come out Caplan! The party's over and the rune stone belongs to me! Come out and hand that piece over before I blow this shack to shit!
Dan's calls are answered only by the shrill cries of the wind.
Danpanik: Dude! Come on dude! I mean....dude!
Still no answer. Dan raises the lugers and squeezes the triggers. To the surprise of no one, they both jam.
Danpanik: Fuck! Why the hell did I bring lugers? Have I learned nothing from the Red Skull?
He tosses the lugers into the snow and trudges toward the shack. He reaches the door and cautiously opens it and peers inside. Darkness. He reaches into his cargo pocket revealing a sweet ass uzi. Then he kicks the door in and begins firing blindly throughout the room. He enters and stops firing. Gabe Caplan lies dead on a tiny cot at the opposite end of the room clutching the rune stone.
Danpanik: Huh. Well no shit.
Dan walks over to Caplan's frozen corpse and kneels in front of him.
Danpanik: Ahhhh, my oldest nemesis. Frozen like an assgap in the middle of this desolate place of shit and snow. In a way I'm almost sad. I would have liked the pleasure of killing you myself. But it's been a long journey and I'm glad to see it end.
Dan clasps Caplan's hand and tears it open. His frozen fingers break off and the Jade Runestone falls onto the bed. Suddenly Caplan jumps up and grabs Dan's shoulders. His lifeless eyes focus on Dan and through trembling lips he speaks.
Gabe Caplan: The stone is.....evil. Made by demons to control and destroy the lives of men. Demons suck dude. Remember Hellraiser? They're kind of like that. Only......they all have......lobster claws! And they speak French. It's really annoying. Leave the Rune stone here. Let it die......with me.
Caplan falls back on the bed, deader than my dad.
Danpanik: Demons? I ain't fuckin' with no damn demons. Fuck this rune stone! Fuck Egypt! And fuck Vincent Gallo!
Scene 2
Three Years Later...
Scene begins at a dirty biker bar a few miles outside of Pittsburgh. Dan sits at the bar nursing a glass of Iron City and looking beat to shit. A fat ass biker stumbles up to the bar and plants himself on the stool next to Dan.
Biker: Gimme' a Miller! Miller time whore!
He lights up a cigarette and turns to Dan.
Biker: Ya look sad whore! What the whore's wrong witcha?
Danpanik: You heard what happened to Egypt yesterday?
Biker: Yeah, I heard. Imploded right?
Danpanik: Yup, the entire place imploded. Sucked right off the map like a cock down Nikita Dennis' throat.
Biker: Yeah, so the whore what? Nothing but a bunch of pimps, pushers, junkies, and whores in that whore place. Better off without it.
Danpanik: You're probably right. Except that I used to be pharoah there. I WAS THE PHAROAH!!!!
Biker: That's tough, whore. Looks like you failed like a whore would fail at life.
Danpanik: Yeah. I am a failure. And I quit.
Dan presses a button on his belt and rockets straight up from the stool and through the roof. The biker jumps from his seat and looks up in awe at our rocketeer hero.
Biker: Holy whore! Did you see that whore fly?
Suddenly a ninja kicks the door of the bar down and fires a dart from a blowgun at the biker. The dart hits him in the neck decapitating him. Above, Dan continues his upward propulsion.
Danpanik: (Thinking) Oh fish! This was a bad idea. I'll miss you Timmy. You were always such a good boy. We'll always have Groundhog Day, son. We'll always have D-day too.
Up and up Dan goes until finally he hits the sun and dies a lot. The story closes with a shot of pigeons eating rice in the park and exploding as the credits roll.
THE BEGINNING!!!
Note: Sorry for the long wait for the end of this tale. I was hit with a bad case of the dreaded writers block. But have no fear true believers, I'm back like an albatros and I won't leave you alone 'till you fuckin' die from it....cunt.
Scene One
Dan trudges through the harsh terrain of the Yucatan Peninsula. I have not-a-fucking-clue what the weather is like on the Yucatan Peninsula so we're gonna go with snow. You like that? Snow? Yeah have at it fuck squirrel. Said snow pounds at his face and the freezing wind whips at him and other things that explain how cold it is. He comes upon a tiny wooden shack almost buried in the white powder. He throws his coat to the side and whips out a pair of lugers.
Danpanik: Come out Caplan! The party's over and the rune stone belongs to me! Come out and hand that piece over before I blow this shack to shit!
Dan's calls are answered only by the shrill cries of the wind.
Danpanik: Dude! Come on dude! I mean....dude!
Still no answer. Dan raises the lugers and squeezes the triggers. To the surprise of no one, they both jam.
Danpanik: Fuck! Why the hell did I bring lugers? Have I learned nothing from the Red Skull?
He tosses the lugers into the snow and trudges toward the shack. He reaches the door and cautiously opens it and peers inside. Darkness. He reaches into his cargo pocket revealing a sweet ass uzi. Then he kicks the door in and begins firing blindly throughout the room. He enters and stops firing. Gabe Caplan lies dead on a tiny cot at the opposite end of the room clutching the rune stone.
Danpanik: Huh. Well no shit.
Dan walks over to Caplan's frozen corpse and kneels in front of him.
Danpanik: Ahhhh, my oldest nemesis. Frozen like an assgap in the middle of this desolate place of shit and snow. In a way I'm almost sad. I would have liked the pleasure of killing you myself. But it's been a long journey and I'm glad to see it end.
Dan clasps Caplan's hand and tears it open. His frozen fingers break off and the Jade Runestone falls onto the bed. Suddenly Caplan jumps up and grabs Dan's shoulders. His lifeless eyes focus on Dan and through trembling lips he speaks.
Gabe Caplan: The stone is.....evil. Made by demons to control and destroy the lives of men. Demons suck dude. Remember Hellraiser? They're kind of like that. Only......they all have......lobster claws! And they speak French. It's really annoying. Leave the Rune stone here. Let it die......with me.
Caplan falls back on the bed, deader than my dad.
Danpanik: Demons? I ain't fuckin' with no damn demons. Fuck this rune stone! Fuck Egypt! And fuck Vincent Gallo!
Scene 2
Three Years Later...
Scene begins at a dirty biker bar a few miles outside of Pittsburgh. Dan sits at the bar nursing a glass of Iron City and looking beat to shit. A fat ass biker stumbles up to the bar and plants himself on the stool next to Dan.
Biker: Gimme' a Miller! Miller time whore!
He lights up a cigarette and turns to Dan.
Biker: Ya look sad whore! What the whore's wrong witcha?
Danpanik: You heard what happened to Egypt yesterday?
Biker: Yeah, I heard. Imploded right?
Danpanik: Yup, the entire place imploded. Sucked right off the map like a cock down Nikita Dennis' throat.
Biker: Yeah, so the whore what? Nothing but a bunch of pimps, pushers, junkies, and whores in that whore place. Better off without it.
Danpanik: You're probably right. Except that I used to be pharoah there. I WAS THE PHAROAH!!!!
Biker: That's tough, whore. Looks like you failed like a whore would fail at life.
Danpanik: Yeah. I am a failure. And I quit.
Dan presses a button on his belt and rockets straight up from the stool and through the roof. The biker jumps from his seat and looks up in awe at our rocketeer hero.
Biker: Holy whore! Did you see that whore fly?
Suddenly a ninja kicks the door of the bar down and fires a dart from a blowgun at the biker. The dart hits him in the neck decapitating him. Above, Dan continues his upward propulsion.
Danpanik: (Thinking) Oh fish! This was a bad idea. I'll miss you Timmy. You were always such a good boy. We'll always have Groundhog Day, son. We'll always have D-day too.
Up and up Dan goes until finally he hits the sun and dies a lot. The story closes with a shot of pigeons eating rice in the park and exploding as the credits roll.
THE BEGINNING!!!