THE ADVENTURE CONTINUES.....THE HILARITY, NOT SO MUCH.
"Act Two: The Quest For The Jade Djinn Lamp"
Scene One
Wednesday. Or perhaps some other day of the week. And Danpanik's flight has just landed in Sudan, the current residence of the long sought after Opium Chendo. He steps off the plane dressed in a Hawaiian shirt with oversized '70 cop style sunglasses. A kitanna is strapped to his back and he holds a martinni in his right hand and a bible in his left. No, scratch that, an uzi in his left.
Danpanik: So this is Sudan? I've fucked better countries with your dick Kevin.
Dan's assistant Kevin (Played by the reanimated corpse of Bella Lugosi) steps out of the plane behind Dan, carrying his bags.
Kevin: Very good sir. I hate you for reanimating me you lousy dick slut.
Danpanik: Yeah, I hate myself for molesting your balls before I reanimated you. But that's inconsequential! Let the search for Opium Chendo begin!!!
A car pulls up and the pair step in and speed away. A man dressed in a trenchcoat, smoking a cigarette (Played by Burt Reynolds) watches the car pull away and pulls a cellphone from his pocket. He dials a number.
Man: They've arrived madame. Should I follow them?
Voice on Phone: Shit yeah! Those two are nothing but trouble. I want them stabbed with knives as soon as possible. Then I want you to do sex with me. That would be lovely.
Man: Yes ma'am. I will murder now and sex later. Over and out.
The man hangs up the phone and hails a cab. He hops in and the cab drives away.
Scene Two
A car pulls up to a dingy restaurant and stops. Dan steps out and Kevin follows. The car blows up. It was a Subaru. The pair walk into the restaurant. The scene there is mad groovy. Opium smoke clouds the air and beautiful nekkid Sudanianese woman dance on tabletops. Toward the back of the place sits the great Opium Chendo (Played by Bruce Willis) surrounded by woman and hookas filled to the brim with opium. Dan and Kevin head toward the back and sit down across from Opium Chendo.
Danpanik: Chendo, long time no see you beautiful bastard. What's goin' on bro?
Chendo: Opium. That's what's goin' on. I'm crazy addicted to it! But luckily these ho's are too so they hang around and give out HJ's for the shit. It's a hard life but I make it.
Suddenly a ninja runs through the place. He swoops past the table and decapitates Kevin then runs out the back door of the restaurant.
Danpanik: I have a proposition for you.
Chendo: I'm all ears. Except for the part of me that's opium.
Danpanik: Years past I sold you a lamp full of opium. It's of utter importance that I get that lamp back. Can I have that shit or do we have to face off like robots.
Chendo: Hell, I don't need it anymore. The opium's long ass gone and the djinn in the lamp has already granted my three wishes.
Danpanik: Huh, what were they?
Chendo: First was some opium. Then some more opium. Then a bit more opium. That's why these bitches stick around. I got a decent amount of opium. That's why they call me Opium Chendo.
Danpanik: I don't even care anymore.
Chendo hands Dan the lamp and Dan tips his hat and walks out the front door. As he exits, the man in the trenchcoat approaches him and points a gun to his back.
Man: Now is the time when you die. All hail Queen Fatrok.
He fires two shots into Dan's back to no avail.
Danpanik: Most people don't realize that my blood is extremely iron rich and bullets have no effect on me.
Dan socks the guy in the dome and he falls to the ground. Dan whips out his uzi and points it in the face of his attacker.
Danpanik: Now who the fuck are you and who the fuck do you work for.
Man: My name is Chriswell. And I am Sudanesian Queen Fatrok's top assassin. I was sent to kill you because everywhere you go shit goes horribly wrong. The queen knows this because she's an avid reader of your Livejournal. And a bitch. And a whore. And a VD infested scum sucking slimy cunt bag.
Danpanik: Sounds sexy. I want to meet her....and then kill her with my bare fucking hands before I get the hell out of Sudan.
Can you taste the suspence? Or is it just that Tootsie Pop you're sucking on because you're on a shitload of ecstacy ya fuckin' dirty raver? Either way, tune in next time as our story continues in "Act Three: The wrath of the VD infested scum sucking slimy cunt bag queen who loved me. or Revalations."
Scene One
Wednesday. Or perhaps some other day of the week. And Danpanik's flight has just landed in Sudan, the current residence of the long sought after Opium Chendo. He steps off the plane dressed in a Hawaiian shirt with oversized '70 cop style sunglasses. A kitanna is strapped to his back and he holds a martinni in his right hand and a bible in his left. No, scratch that, an uzi in his left.
Danpanik: So this is Sudan? I've fucked better countries with your dick Kevin.
Dan's assistant Kevin (Played by the reanimated corpse of Bella Lugosi) steps out of the plane behind Dan, carrying his bags.
Kevin: Very good sir. I hate you for reanimating me you lousy dick slut.
Danpanik: Yeah, I hate myself for molesting your balls before I reanimated you. But that's inconsequential! Let the search for Opium Chendo begin!!!
A car pulls up and the pair step in and speed away. A man dressed in a trenchcoat, smoking a cigarette (Played by Burt Reynolds) watches the car pull away and pulls a cellphone from his pocket. He dials a number.
Man: They've arrived madame. Should I follow them?
Voice on Phone: Shit yeah! Those two are nothing but trouble. I want them stabbed with knives as soon as possible. Then I want you to do sex with me. That would be lovely.
Man: Yes ma'am. I will murder now and sex later. Over and out.
The man hangs up the phone and hails a cab. He hops in and the cab drives away.
Scene Two
A car pulls up to a dingy restaurant and stops. Dan steps out and Kevin follows. The car blows up. It was a Subaru. The pair walk into the restaurant. The scene there is mad groovy. Opium smoke clouds the air and beautiful nekkid Sudanianese woman dance on tabletops. Toward the back of the place sits the great Opium Chendo (Played by Bruce Willis) surrounded by woman and hookas filled to the brim with opium. Dan and Kevin head toward the back and sit down across from Opium Chendo.
Danpanik: Chendo, long time no see you beautiful bastard. What's goin' on bro?
Chendo: Opium. That's what's goin' on. I'm crazy addicted to it! But luckily these ho's are too so they hang around and give out HJ's for the shit. It's a hard life but I make it.
Suddenly a ninja runs through the place. He swoops past the table and decapitates Kevin then runs out the back door of the restaurant.
Danpanik: I have a proposition for you.
Chendo: I'm all ears. Except for the part of me that's opium.
Danpanik: Years past I sold you a lamp full of opium. It's of utter importance that I get that lamp back. Can I have that shit or do we have to face off like robots.
Chendo: Hell, I don't need it anymore. The opium's long ass gone and the djinn in the lamp has already granted my three wishes.
Danpanik: Huh, what were they?
Chendo: First was some opium. Then some more opium. Then a bit more opium. That's why these bitches stick around. I got a decent amount of opium. That's why they call me Opium Chendo.
Danpanik: I don't even care anymore.
Chendo hands Dan the lamp and Dan tips his hat and walks out the front door. As he exits, the man in the trenchcoat approaches him and points a gun to his back.
Man: Now is the time when you die. All hail Queen Fatrok.
He fires two shots into Dan's back to no avail.
Danpanik: Most people don't realize that my blood is extremely iron rich and bullets have no effect on me.
Dan socks the guy in the dome and he falls to the ground. Dan whips out his uzi and points it in the face of his attacker.
Danpanik: Now who the fuck are you and who the fuck do you work for.
Man: My name is Chriswell. And I am Sudanesian Queen Fatrok's top assassin. I was sent to kill you because everywhere you go shit goes horribly wrong. The queen knows this because she's an avid reader of your Livejournal. And a bitch. And a whore. And a VD infested scum sucking slimy cunt bag.
Danpanik: Sounds sexy. I want to meet her....and then kill her with my bare fucking hands before I get the hell out of Sudan.
Can you taste the suspence? Or is it just that Tootsie Pop you're sucking on because you're on a shitload of ecstacy ya fuckin' dirty raver? Either way, tune in next time as our story continues in "Act Three: The wrath of the VD infested scum sucking slimy cunt bag queen who loved me. or Revalations."