girls
hello, welcome back to another episode in danny's mind.
eff-ing ridiculous, eh?
what's been happening lately...
i'm addicted to red bull. i'd rather drink that and get buzzed off of taurine, caffeine, and 500% of vitamin B12 than drink or smoke.
yeah so i'm pretty wired, it's pretty difficult typing when my fingers can't stay still.
they're shaking faster than jenna jameson's dildo
so i was talking with one of my boys from high school. and we were bullshittin when i find out this lil asian fawk got himself a girlfriend
don't get me wrong, i'm all for it
but then it's always the question of closeness.
you want to have that intimate, yet independent relationship.
well men, i have the ultimate solution to you.
don't smother her first off.
give her alone time to sit and sulk and wonder what you are doing while she sits at home doing nothing.
this also allows for you to play beloved video games, drink alcohol, talk to other girls without getting "the look" from your girl
don't spend money on her
like mcdonald's date, up to three items from the dollar menu including tax is reasonable
paying for dinner at apple bees is not. because if you do it once, when you buy her dinner on her birthday it's not fuckin special and you have to out do what you normally do which is buy her dinner at apple bees...which means you
-have to buy her dinner at outback
or
-do dinner and a back massage
or
-do dinner, a back massage, and eat her out
yeah, i cringed at the thought of the last one. i'm not sayin i'm wise
i'm saying my advise is.
if you've been treatin her to two apple pies and a mcchicken sandwich, if you buy her an actual value meal she'll be ecstatic. fuck, take her to five guys, that's a whole level bove what you've been feedin her.
also, don't buy her clothes or pretty jewelry or anything, unless it's
1. christmas
2. her birthday
3. valentine's day
4. the day after you really fucked up by sleeping with her twin sister and forgetting your gf doesn't have a mole on her left butt cheek but the twin does (long story)
because gifts = drugs to girls. you wonder why whenever people get high it's like 9 guys and 0 girls? it's cuz all the girls are still high from buying 85 dollar shoes to match their 95 dollar pair of jeans that just goes so well with the 69.99 shirt from A|X
if i do my math correctly, that adds up to about an ounce of weed.
so tell me, you can wear those clothes like...once a year. an ounce of weed you can smoke and be high for a collective amount of at least 168 hours.
and here's the scary part, a girl's tolerance to how happy they get after they receive a gift gets bigger and bigger fucking exponentially.
the first time you get her a nice little printed shirt from american eagle.
"yay! i <3 u!!!! ur the best bf ever! you're so thoughtful" leading to sexy time
you get her another one.
"oh thanks..." no sexy time
you get her something from hollister
"omg hollister? awwww you shouldn't have! i love you!!!! XO XO" leading to sexy time
a few gifts later
"awwwww you got me a mercedes, a puppy, a 500 dollar shoppin spree to Goochi, and you'll be my slave for a year?!?!? you're sooooo nice i love you!!!!"
after that gift, we're broke. we're a slave. and our friends tell us we're pussy-whipped...which we deny but in the back of your brain you killed the brain cells that was telling you that you are pussywhipped. in the end we get no pussy.
lastly love making
when making love, don't say i love you. i'll tell you the only time you can later.
when you make love, grunt a lot. like try to talk to her with teeth clenched and the tip of your tongue stuck to the roof of your mouth.
just as girls moan and that turns us on, us grunting is one of the world's strongest aphrodisiac to women and gay men.
once you finish
cum in her eye.
that is fucking key to keeping your girlfriend for longer than 3 months.
CUM IN THAT BITCH'S EYE!
why you ask?
at the beginning of the relationship she'll be angry, but she'll be so freaking infatuated by you that she'll just take it.
you're probably the only guy that's ever came in her eye so it makes you unique.
finally a few months into when you get your accuracy down
and you get her in the iris, she'll be screaming
"NIGGA THAT SHIT FUCKING BURNSSSS. WHAT THE FUCK STOP DOIN THAT BULLSHIT!!!"
that's when you hold her close
give her a kiss somewhere where you didn't splurge on her and tell her
"i love you"
this throws her off completely.
the entire time you fucked the living shit out of her, but afterwards it's all love.
and she thinks "well if he loves me, maybe next time he won't try to blind me with semen"
and she'll be yours forever.
to those of you out there, i hope this helps.
eff-ing ridiculous, eh?
what's been happening lately...
i'm addicted to red bull. i'd rather drink that and get buzzed off of taurine, caffeine, and 500% of vitamin B12 than drink or smoke.
yeah so i'm pretty wired, it's pretty difficult typing when my fingers can't stay still.
they're shaking faster than jenna jameson's dildo
so i was talking with one of my boys from high school. and we were bullshittin when i find out this lil asian fawk got himself a girlfriend
don't get me wrong, i'm all for it
but then it's always the question of closeness.
you want to have that intimate, yet independent relationship.
well men, i have the ultimate solution to you.
don't smother her first off.
give her alone time to sit and sulk and wonder what you are doing while she sits at home doing nothing.
this also allows for you to play beloved video games, drink alcohol, talk to other girls without getting "the look" from your girl
don't spend money on her
like mcdonald's date, up to three items from the dollar menu including tax is reasonable
paying for dinner at apple bees is not. because if you do it once, when you buy her dinner on her birthday it's not fuckin special and you have to out do what you normally do which is buy her dinner at apple bees...which means you
-have to buy her dinner at outback
or
-do dinner and a back massage
or
-do dinner, a back massage, and eat her out
yeah, i cringed at the thought of the last one. i'm not sayin i'm wise
i'm saying my advise is.
if you've been treatin her to two apple pies and a mcchicken sandwich, if you buy her an actual value meal she'll be ecstatic. fuck, take her to five guys, that's a whole level bove what you've been feedin her.
also, don't buy her clothes or pretty jewelry or anything, unless it's
1. christmas
2. her birthday
3. valentine's day
4. the day after you really fucked up by sleeping with her twin sister and forgetting your gf doesn't have a mole on her left butt cheek but the twin does (long story)
because gifts = drugs to girls. you wonder why whenever people get high it's like 9 guys and 0 girls? it's cuz all the girls are still high from buying 85 dollar shoes to match their 95 dollar pair of jeans that just goes so well with the 69.99 shirt from A|X
if i do my math correctly, that adds up to about an ounce of weed.
so tell me, you can wear those clothes like...once a year. an ounce of weed you can smoke and be high for a collective amount of at least 168 hours.
and here's the scary part, a girl's tolerance to how happy they get after they receive a gift gets bigger and bigger fucking exponentially.
the first time you get her a nice little printed shirt from american eagle.
"yay! i <3 u!!!! ur the best bf ever! you're so thoughtful" leading to sexy time
you get her another one.
"oh thanks..." no sexy time
you get her something from hollister
"omg hollister? awwww you shouldn't have! i love you!!!! XO XO" leading to sexy time
a few gifts later
"awwwww you got me a mercedes, a puppy, a 500 dollar shoppin spree to Goochi, and you'll be my slave for a year?!?!? you're sooooo nice i love you!!!!"
after that gift, we're broke. we're a slave. and our friends tell us we're pussy-whipped...which we deny but in the back of your brain you killed the brain cells that was telling you that you are pussywhipped. in the end we get no pussy.
lastly love making
when making love, don't say i love you. i'll tell you the only time you can later.
when you make love, grunt a lot. like try to talk to her with teeth clenched and the tip of your tongue stuck to the roof of your mouth.
just as girls moan and that turns us on, us grunting is one of the world's strongest aphrodisiac to women and gay men.
once you finish
cum in her eye.
that is fucking key to keeping your girlfriend for longer than 3 months.
CUM IN THAT BITCH'S EYE!
why you ask?
at the beginning of the relationship she'll be angry, but she'll be so freaking infatuated by you that she'll just take it.
you're probably the only guy that's ever came in her eye so it makes you unique.
finally a few months into when you get your accuracy down
and you get her in the iris, she'll be screaming
"NIGGA THAT SHIT FUCKING BURNSSSS. WHAT THE FUCK STOP DOIN THAT BULLSHIT!!!"
that's when you hold her close
give her a kiss somewhere where you didn't splurge on her and tell her
"i love you"
this throws her off completely.
the entire time you fucked the living shit out of her, but afterwards it's all love.
and she thinks "well if he loves me, maybe next time he won't try to blind me with semen"
and she'll be yours forever.
to those of you out there, i hope this helps.