Yay for the end of year
Christmas is finally over, and I'm glad. As predicted it was a pretty sucky holiday. Not as bad as Thanksgiving, but not exactly good either. I had my parents pretty much lecture me the whole time about religion, etc. Their comments pretty much told me they really don't know me and would disapprove entirely if they did. Things like my mother saying she wasn't going to read snopes.com because the authors are probably atheists... and various Bible "proofs" they presented to try and convince me of something... what I don't know. Those sort of arguments and adherence to slander vs facts just because it supported a religious cause is why I pretty much lost my faith in the first place.
The only real plus side was that I got some food I've been craving, home cooked turkey and all the trimmings and got to play some Scrabble. But really it was a toss-up if it would have been better to be by myself or spend vacation with my family this year. I'm coming away from the holiday just feeling like crap.
Present wise it was a disappointing Christmas. Only one real gift, not counting candy and other small food type treats. Two gifts actually, although one is forthcoming. Both from the same person, for which I'm very thankful and really love. But all my other gifts will be presents I get for myself. I finally found a store that has my leather coat I want and I'll be doing my first pilot's lesson.
The lesson I'm going to try and do Thursday morning to slip it in before the end of the year and end things on a big note. Really hoped to have some friends along as its a very big deal for me, the start of a goal I've been wanting to pursue for 20+ years... but after asking multiple times and getting absolutely no response... I've resigned myself to just doing it alone. I'm going to try and let this usual aspect of my life not get me down. Maybe I can find someone to take some pictures there at least to commemorate the occasion.
My plans for an after Christmas trip too are probably nixed as nobody has replied to the inquiries about various things I hoped to do. So will just sit at home and work.
On the plus side, I'm hopeful next year will be happier... at least not as bad.
---
2010 was such a see-saw year. I was my absolute happiest I've been in years this spring, and my absolute most miserable as well this summer and fall.
I'm pretty much worse off than I was at the start of the year. I'm not as happy, as I again have no real close friends who really listen to me or have any desire to confide in me in turn. Having such was my biggest joy of the year, and losing it my biggest nightmare and regret of my life.
My one prayer that I could find at least one close friend to make up for the loss has gone unanswered. The friends I do have have no idea what's going on in my life beyond the basics and attempts to talk about things go nowhere - they just aren't interested. Attempts to just talk to people usually go unanswered or I usually just get basic one word answers when I do try talking to people. It doesn't matter if I keep the conversation light even.
Worse, nobody has bothered to take the time to find out. Nobody really is interested in my life. I'm fascinated by others, but my inquisitive nature is completely blocked. People who used to talk with me about everyday things seem to have completely shut up. Even asking people how their holiday was has gotten me nothing but silence in return.
Attempts to reach out to new people even across common ground have been completely ignored too. I'm at a complete loss of what to do. I crave company and stimulating conversation, shared jokes, shared info about what's happening in peoples lives, and instead all I have is weeks of loneliness. I would say this is just depression talking, but I'm otherwise in a good mood. I'm just incredibly lonely. A few brief sentences a day from anybody, even about something as obscure as weather seem to be what I'm living for now-a-days.
It isn't enough. I want more.
My marriage is much worse than last year, but it seems we've found a balance at least this past month living separate lives so I've avoided the depression I had pre- and post- Thanksgiving.
With my projects I'm at least keeping busy now. I'm progressing on the new aspect for my book, turning it into a graphic novel/comic. We'll see how that goes. I'm hopefully optimistic.
I just wish I could do more things with friends than I do now so I'm not alone 24/7. Seeing people once or twice a month is too sparse for my tastes.
Just crossing fingers the new year will be better, more stable, more hopeful, and the changes I'm making will pay off mentally.
The only real plus side was that I got some food I've been craving, home cooked turkey and all the trimmings and got to play some Scrabble. But really it was a toss-up if it would have been better to be by myself or spend vacation with my family this year. I'm coming away from the holiday just feeling like crap.
Present wise it was a disappointing Christmas. Only one real gift, not counting candy and other small food type treats. Two gifts actually, although one is forthcoming. Both from the same person, for which I'm very thankful and really love. But all my other gifts will be presents I get for myself. I finally found a store that has my leather coat I want and I'll be doing my first pilot's lesson.
The lesson I'm going to try and do Thursday morning to slip it in before the end of the year and end things on a big note. Really hoped to have some friends along as its a very big deal for me, the start of a goal I've been wanting to pursue for 20+ years... but after asking multiple times and getting absolutely no response... I've resigned myself to just doing it alone. I'm going to try and let this usual aspect of my life not get me down. Maybe I can find someone to take some pictures there at least to commemorate the occasion.
My plans for an after Christmas trip too are probably nixed as nobody has replied to the inquiries about various things I hoped to do. So will just sit at home and work.
On the plus side, I'm hopeful next year will be happier... at least not as bad.
---
2010 was such a see-saw year. I was my absolute happiest I've been in years this spring, and my absolute most miserable as well this summer and fall.
I'm pretty much worse off than I was at the start of the year. I'm not as happy, as I again have no real close friends who really listen to me or have any desire to confide in me in turn. Having such was my biggest joy of the year, and losing it my biggest nightmare and regret of my life.
My one prayer that I could find at least one close friend to make up for the loss has gone unanswered. The friends I do have have no idea what's going on in my life beyond the basics and attempts to talk about things go nowhere - they just aren't interested. Attempts to just talk to people usually go unanswered or I usually just get basic one word answers when I do try talking to people. It doesn't matter if I keep the conversation light even.
Worse, nobody has bothered to take the time to find out. Nobody really is interested in my life. I'm fascinated by others, but my inquisitive nature is completely blocked. People who used to talk with me about everyday things seem to have completely shut up. Even asking people how their holiday was has gotten me nothing but silence in return.
Attempts to reach out to new people even across common ground have been completely ignored too. I'm at a complete loss of what to do. I crave company and stimulating conversation, shared jokes, shared info about what's happening in peoples lives, and instead all I have is weeks of loneliness. I would say this is just depression talking, but I'm otherwise in a good mood. I'm just incredibly lonely. A few brief sentences a day from anybody, even about something as obscure as weather seem to be what I'm living for now-a-days.
It isn't enough. I want more.
My marriage is much worse than last year, but it seems we've found a balance at least this past month living separate lives so I've avoided the depression I had pre- and post- Thanksgiving.
With my projects I'm at least keeping busy now. I'm progressing on the new aspect for my book, turning it into a graphic novel/comic. We'll see how that goes. I'm hopefully optimistic.
I just wish I could do more things with friends than I do now so I'm not alone 24/7. Seeing people once or twice a month is too sparse for my tastes.
Just crossing fingers the new year will be better, more stable, more hopeful, and the changes I'm making will pay off mentally.