2 a.m.
well it's 2 a.m. just got off the phone with devin about half an hour ago. Got my weekly update on the boys. I really miss them, can't wait to come home.
I'm feeling antsy again. The same antsy that makes me talk all the time. I want to convey myself and i guess get some kind of awknowledgement from someone along the lines of "damn you are one cool ass dude, you've got shit to say man, thanks for saying it"
I talk because i figure the more i talk about stuff, the better chance i have of finding someone like one of the guys? I'm in the mood to learn something from someone.
I'm scared it's becoming a vanity thing. I don't think it's really that healthy that i always want to talk to people about what i have to think; what i have to say. I definitely don't want to keep projecting my views on people. But then, doesn't that contradict the whole idea of self-liberation i achieved a week or so ago? Gah. Maybe it's that little inner hater trying to silence me. who knows. Maybe i just need a podium, or some kind of outlet. Well, i need some kind of outlet, cause i left my outlet at home.
I feel like i'm becoming a self-righteous asshole. Which is the last thing i want to be, but something i already sort of am.
Basically i just miss being surrounded by my best friends who i can talk to whenever i want, and about whatever. I want to be around them because i learn from them, vice versa. I dunno. I feel like the reason i'm becoming a self-righteous asshole is i don't have them to balance me out. Without them, i feel like there is no one like my intellectual equal when it comes to people and social issues. I know that is a horrible thing to say.
There is no one that thinks like me here. And it gets lonely in your own head ya know? I keep talking and talking and talking about things, but i feel like i'm just talking to a wall in an empty alley. I'm just spitting my thoughts out there and no one is sincerely feeling what i have to say. I guess what my conscience is trying to get through to me is that i need something more. What something is more? I dunno yet.
Ohhhhh shiiiiitttt. here it begins. "i need something more" One of life's most persistent themes We've seen it in countless odysseys. Welcome to life?