May 27, 2006 22:40
So yes, I said I was departing from LJ using, only leaving comments on friends occasionally and such…but I think that having a journal is in a way my therapy. Some people medicate, some drink, some get high, some pay a shrink thousands of dollars and I, well I write. It’s the least evasive and the lease detrimental to my personal wellbeing. So I’ve decided that I will only allow myself the write in here sometimes when I really need it… I need to share something, or get something off my chest. And only once in a while when the need be, and tonight, the need be.
Grandpa came over this afternoon for dinner. It was a nice visit…a bit boring, yet a nice visit. I haven’t really spent time with him in five months since he went back to Florida and since he has his massive heart attack and just about died two months ago. So its nice to be in the same place as him, hold his hand or hug him when I want to. I need to spend more time with him though, because he and I are losing our deep bond that we shared before I went away to college. But, its hard to look at him. He has what I refer to as the “little old man” look; meaning that he looks his age (75). Its what happened to my grandmother (his wife) in the beginning of the last few years of her life when she spent months in and out of hospitals. Grandpa is doing amazing, he drove home from Florida without any problems, he has modified his eating and he is doing great. Almost like his old self (minus his heavy drinking, minus some strength). But nonetheless he has that look about him that scares me. I guess that’s what happens when you die and are brought back and then have to have two open heart surgeries to fix the problems. You are bound to look a little old considering what you’re body has recently been under. But, it just reminds me that my grandparents will one day leave me, and that they are not invincible like we so very much believe when we are children. The thought that our grandparents and parents will one day leave us too never crosses our minds. And to me, the idea of losing Pa scares the shit out of me (to be blunt). And of course he is his same old ruthless self…waiting till he leaves before he gets his digs in: “do you know you have a pimple on your face?” “wow, looks who’s pounding em down today, eh?” First off, which all the problems ive had with my skin over the past five years the fact that I only have ONE pimple is amazing and im so excited!! Secondly, I had three beers all day…and my dad kept trying to get me to drink all damn day which is the only reason I had something in the first place. Between 3pm and 8pm I drank three blessed beers and im pounding them down. For christ’s sake, I’m almost 21 years old…if I want to drink a hundred beers…ill drink a hundred beers. This is the exact reason why I DON’T drink much in front of my family on my dad’s side…because they keep giving em to me and comment on how much fun it is to drink with me and then throw it back in my face. I can’t stand it. Then my mom later tells me that I always do that in front of his family…I drink a lot. I NEVER drink in front of family ever!! I NEVER drink beer especially ever. They always get pissed with me because I don’t drink with them. Then I got angry at my mom for siding with them. And on top of that…I had to listen to Eileen (his girlfriend) talk about some other things that pissed me off and I took them personally. I am the oldest grandchild on my dad’s side of the family; I am the most mature one out of all of them, I am the most responsible, I am the one everyone likes---yet why do I always let me make me feel like I’m the child and everyone else (even my own sister) is older and more mature than myself? I always feel like a child…and tired of always being the child. Because I don’t have experience as much as other people in certain areas doesn’t make me this, doesn’t make me that….just because I drink sometimes, doesn’t make me immature. I don’t get drunk, I don’t act like a fool and I don’t waste my parents money. I’m the mature one, here. I dunno…im just always tired of being on the bottom, no matter what I do. Then, I disappointed my dad tonight for reasons I wont go into..but the whole situation is ridiculous. But, I was wrong. I will admit that. I’m always on his shitlist…and I can never seem to get off it. I’m just tired of being there and I miss the time a long time ago when I was “Daddy’s little girl” and all. We haven’t been that way in a long time and that really makes me sad.
I guess I’m just frustrated because for the longest time no matter what I do, what I say, or how I act I’m always making the wrong decisions, I’m always ending up on the bottom, feeling like shit and I’m jus tired. I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired. I hate my job, but I stay because I’m my father’s daughter and I get 10 bucks an hour (even though the job is shitty). I’m upset with myself for some things that I can’t shake or fix. And I realized the other day that there is no possible way I can afford to follow my dreams..my true dreams and aspirations of what I want to spend the rest of my life doing. I will in turn spend my life settling. And that sucks.
And, to top all this off I feel horrible being upset over such things that really seem quite trivial compared to this: my grandma Schwartz is dying. She is my grandmother’s best friend, and lives up the street from where Grandpa & Grandma live on Royal Oak Ave right near Barton Elementary school and Queen of Heaven. All my life, she has been my Grandma Schwartz, like another grandmother to me. And she is dying of Lung Cancer. She never smoked, and no one in her family ever did. She just developed it for reasons that are beyond our understanding. We saw her last weekend at her rehab center, and she could barely breathe and had that extreme “little old lady” look that my Grandma had at the end. She said she was in so much pain, she just wanted it to be over. I know she must have really felt that way if she said that in front of my siblings and I. We left and I tried not to think about it. Her daughter called and told us today that she will die before the weekend is over. I’m glad for her, because she is in so much pain and at this point, she isn’t really living, just existing. But now, seeing Grandpa today and after my Dad went to visit her at her house today, put it all in perspective. My siblings and I recorded our voice for her in stuffed animal, and my Dad took it to her. When she listened to it, he said she smiled a huge smile and asked to have it played three more times. I’m glad. That means she really loves us and will miss us, I guess. Well all I can say is that I really love her too, and will miss her. I pray God takes her soon, for her suffering to end, and that he welcomes her into heaven with open arms.
So, all in all…today was the worst day I’ve allowed myself to have in quite a while.I know that I should be happy I'm alive and for the most part healthy and I have a good life and everything...but you know, sometimes that doesn't make our pain any easier..only adds to it. But in the coming days i will remind myself of that, in hopes to try and fix the brokens parts.I hope tomorrow is better, although I’m not sure it will. Monday I spend the day with Allie (and hopefully KTM & Brian) which will be good. Then its back to work at my crappy job where I make good money and feel wiped out everyday. Summer 2006, please turn around really soon, THANKS.