grrr
I honestly can say I thought I've been dealing with the events of the past few months well, but I don't know anymore. I think about the things that have been going on and am starting to believe that they have had way more of a psychological effect on me than I realized. They say that events cause great deals of psychological stress that we often don't think about. Here are the events:
The end of Erica and I I honestly can say that its probably a good thing that its over, but she was still the most constant and time consuming (I chose to spend most of my time with her) part of my life for the last year and a half.Really, for my entire college experience thus far. Now that its over, we barely even talk anymore (which makes me sad, but thats neither here nor there).
My Dad's Moving I really didn't think this would bother me so much, but it is. I lived in that house the longest out of all my houses I grew up in. Moreover, it was my last connection to the Amesbury area. I really have no reason to go back there, except to visit my friends, but its just not the same. I remember going home and seeing all the boxes and just being so sad. Plus, my Dad has always been a strong source of stability for me, and now he's in New York. Moreover, this means that I am offcially on my own. I need to keep residence in Massachusetts so there isn't anyway that I can move back in with my parents, even just to save money. I'm alone.
My grandfather is not doing to well Well, he hasn't been doing very well for a few years, but everytime I talk to my Mom, all I hear about it how she thinks his time is near. I can't even begin to deal with that right now.
And the result....
I'm stagnant. I look back at what I've done the last few months, and really, I've done nothing. Aside from fire fighting , I've done close to nothing to improve my life. I certainly have done nothing to improve my health (which i believe plays its hand into the ending of Erica and I). Well, I've been attacking the gym with the ferocity of a bear this past week, and I've been eating well! So I guess tahts good. I've done close to nothing for school. I've had two tests and two papers. I've done well on the tests, but I haven't passed in a damn paper. I just can't focus well enough to even start them. I have a twenty page paper due tomorrow, its 10 PM, I have to work at 7 AM, and I'm only on page two with a shitty outline. Even worse, my writing blows. I just stare at the screen until I realize I'm not doing anything.
I wish I could say school was the only thing taking the hit. But its just not true. I still can't motivate myself to go to amherst college and get my picture taken for the fire dept. I payed ALL of my bills late last week. I have to bring a health form down to health services so they can fill it out so I can work in Marthas Vineyard, still haven't done it. I also was supposed to get an x-ray taken there, I haven't done that. I found out that only one owner for one of the companies I'm working for on the Vineyard knows that I was hired. And hes the forgetful one that hired me! All I have to do is send an email to the other guy and it'll probably be all set, but for the past three weeks, I've just haven't done it. I haven't even made replies on wanted to make on my LiveJournal, and I look at that five times a fucking day.
This is so fucking dumb. Why the fuck can't I just do all this shit. Its probably really bad because its finals time, so add even more stress.
Conclusion:
Summer. I need it to be out of here. I need...something. Something different. I always tell people that I've been busy doing school work, but I haven't been. Why do I lie like that? Nobody cares what I've been doing, they just want to make sure I'm happy (which I appreciate so much). Ahhh, I'm sorry for this. I just need to put it out there. I think i need some ridallin. I need to get to this goddamn paper.
The end of Erica and I I honestly can say that its probably a good thing that its over, but she was still the most constant and time consuming (I chose to spend most of my time with her) part of my life for the last year and a half.Really, for my entire college experience thus far. Now that its over, we barely even talk anymore (which makes me sad, but thats neither here nor there).
My Dad's Moving I really didn't think this would bother me so much, but it is. I lived in that house the longest out of all my houses I grew up in. Moreover, it was my last connection to the Amesbury area. I really have no reason to go back there, except to visit my friends, but its just not the same. I remember going home and seeing all the boxes and just being so sad. Plus, my Dad has always been a strong source of stability for me, and now he's in New York. Moreover, this means that I am offcially on my own. I need to keep residence in Massachusetts so there isn't anyway that I can move back in with my parents, even just to save money. I'm alone.
My grandfather is not doing to well Well, he hasn't been doing very well for a few years, but everytime I talk to my Mom, all I hear about it how she thinks his time is near. I can't even begin to deal with that right now.
And the result....
I'm stagnant. I look back at what I've done the last few months, and really, I've done nothing. Aside from fire fighting , I've done close to nothing to improve my life. I certainly have done nothing to improve my health (which i believe plays its hand into the ending of Erica and I). Well, I've been attacking the gym with the ferocity of a bear this past week, and I've been eating well! So I guess tahts good. I've done close to nothing for school. I've had two tests and two papers. I've done well on the tests, but I haven't passed in a damn paper. I just can't focus well enough to even start them. I have a twenty page paper due tomorrow, its 10 PM, I have to work at 7 AM, and I'm only on page two with a shitty outline. Even worse, my writing blows. I just stare at the screen until I realize I'm not doing anything.
I wish I could say school was the only thing taking the hit. But its just not true. I still can't motivate myself to go to amherst college and get my picture taken for the fire dept. I payed ALL of my bills late last week. I have to bring a health form down to health services so they can fill it out so I can work in Marthas Vineyard, still haven't done it. I also was supposed to get an x-ray taken there, I haven't done that. I found out that only one owner for one of the companies I'm working for on the Vineyard knows that I was hired. And hes the forgetful one that hired me! All I have to do is send an email to the other guy and it'll probably be all set, but for the past three weeks, I've just haven't done it. I haven't even made replies on wanted to make on my LiveJournal, and I look at that five times a fucking day.
This is so fucking dumb. Why the fuck can't I just do all this shit. Its probably really bad because its finals time, so add even more stress.
Conclusion:
Summer. I need it to be out of here. I need...something. Something different. I always tell people that I've been busy doing school work, but I haven't been. Why do I lie like that? Nobody cares what I've been doing, they just want to make sure I'm happy (which I appreciate so much). Ahhh, I'm sorry for this. I just need to put it out there. I think i need some ridallin. I need to get to this goddamn paper.