What is it, a fanfic? Okay, random RyoKame...
Okay, people, if you're reading this, you've probably seen the awesome Tegolayout of doom above. î There. Yes. Guess what? I'm a plant-in-a-pot when it comes to handling computer stuff (oh doesn't that sound good). So the awesome Tegolayout of doom above isn't made by mey, no. The awesome computer handler of doom is: (TADAAAN!)
go_to_the_woods . There, credit. However, she is an evil friend an asked for remuneration. Fic wise. I promised four, this is the first.
Pairing asked: RyoKame (sweet, sweet on the eyeball).
I had planned to make something cheesy and romantic. It turned out liked this:
THE NISHIKIDO MAN: A SOCIO-ANTHROPOLOGICAL STUDY
Problem: The Nishikido Man, endangered specie, seems to have trouble reproducing. The goal of this study is to determine what partner is adapted to this rare specimen of Homo Johnnius.
Introduction: the Osakans
Amongst the wide lineage of the Johnnies (Homo Johnnius), the Osakans (Homo Kansaius) function as both an anthropological family and a social structure. Scientists have noted several main points to identify an Osakan. They seem to gather into small tribes (no more than eight individuals). The Nishikido Man belongs to a group the scientific community likes to refer to as “Kanjani sociocultural group”. Its members usually call it “Eito”: indeed, the Osakans seem so share a common dialect, widely named “Kansaiben”. Although the hierarchical organization is slightly different in microsocieties (see article: “The Kinki Sociocultural Group”), the typical Osakan tribe rules itself according to pre-established roles given to each member (or, in the Kanjani sociocultural dialect: “Ranjaa”). The head of the tribe is chosen according to his ancientness amongst the other Osakans. Surviving abilities do not seem to be taken into account in the choice of the leader (here: Homo Kansaius Yokoyamus). Then, an individual is set as what can be paralleled with a religious figure in our society: he will express himself through his own language, that the other members understand (although that last hypothesis is actually contested by some eminent scientists), but are unable to reproduce. The Kanjani sociocultural dialect calls it “Enka” and the priest (here: Homo Kansaius Shibutanis) distinguishes himself by demonstrating some strong psychological characteristics. A specific study will reveal a tendency to sadism, violent social behaviors, etc. Although there are many other roles amongst the typical Osakan tribe (mother-figure, feminine figure, etc.), this study will focus on one specific member of the Kanjani sociocultural group: the Nishikido Man (Homo Kansaius Nishikidus). As opposed to his fellow Homo Kansaius and despite the importance of the local social group in his life, the Nishikido Man cannot be qualified as sedentary; scientists have observed many long-distance travels through the course of his life, probably in search of better hunting or mating areas: a wonder for today's science.
Main characteristics of the Nishikido Man
First, it is important to know that the Nishikido Man has specific physical characteristics: his body is one of a predator. He possesses strong facial features: large nostrils that can sense the prey dozens of meters away, an impressive number of teeth, often exposed in a strategy to scare the enemy: confronted to a stronger opponent, the Nishikido Man will bare his jaw as a diversion (see video: “HeyHeyHey Experiments on the Nishikido Man”). In addition, his small size and reduced corporal mass allow him to be faster than his most dangerous enemies. Finally, the Nishikido Man expresses himself through an organized set of cries, mostly aggressive, vulgarly called “screechy”, that scientists like to describe as “hoarse”. All in all, he is adapted to smaller, weaker preys.
Indeed, his diet is fairly simple: caffeine, to sustain his constant activity, supplied by regular doses of Nespresso® (What else?); carbohydrates, through the base of every Homo Johnnius' diet: “ramen”; and meat: pork, beef, chicken, fellow Homo Johnnius (see article: “Homo Kattus Uedus”).
However, some scientists argue that his physical features are adapted, not only to hunting, but also to mating (see paragraph: “Choosing a Parter”): that would explain the common appellation given to the Nishikido Man: “Sexy Osaka Man”. The first term indicates an intensive breeding activity, the second acts as a quality label, while the third erases any possible doubt on the nature of said intensive breeding activity: the Nishikido Man is generally considered as the dominant male (or, in common language, “seme”).
Although some exceptions remain, as the Nishikido Man will not hesitate to submit himself to other males who exert a particularly strong influence on him: for example, he acts as a beta (or “uke”) when face to face (in the best cases) with an Homo Arashis Matsujuns.
On the contrary, he will without faltering impose his authority on weaker specimens, for example the Homo Kansaius Yasus, renowned for his submission to every other male specimen around. Interesting cases of willing betas have also been examined: the Homo Tegoshis will place himself into a mutually beneficent relationship with the Nishikido Man, despite said benefits being still uncertain. Scientists have observed a ritual consisting into sitting on the Nishikido Man's lap, gesture generally considered as lethal with such a specimen. Moreover, the Nishikido Man is willing to prove his attachment to the Homo Tegoshis through an exchange of “nicknames”: he will bear the name: “Ryo-tan” and will call the Homo Tegoshis: “Tego-nyan”.
Although these are examples of unequal relationships based on a dominant/dominated dynamic, the Nishikido Man is also able to accept other Homo Johnnius as his equals. Recent studies have proved his ability to remember and assimilate specific individuals as what could be called “friends”, on a long time scale: through his early years, the Nishikido Man, easily sociable, will express his affection towards several fellows, who will in return recognize him as one of theirs through the well-know “nickname ritual”: the Nishikido Man will become “Ryo-chan” for them. Amongst the most important of his “pals” (in Homo Johnnius sociocultural dialect), we can name the Homo Yamapis (shows ambiguous dominant qualities), the Homo Kattus Akanishis (member of the “Emo” K.A.T.-.T.U.N ethnic group) and the Pan Shirotus (also know as: “Shiropanzee”). Once adult, the Nishikido Man will demonstrate his attachment less frequently, yet intensely so (see video: “Live Display of Affection Towards the Homo Yamapis”). The rest of the time, he places himself into a playful competitive relationship, leading to harmless fights and tentatives of aggression (see article: “Use of the Term 'Baka' Amongst the Primitive Humans”).
In addition to these multiple sociocultural interactions, the Nishikido Man's life revolves also around one particularly important element: mating. Before choosing a parter, the Nishikido Man processes to a long and fastidious case study, looking at every possibility offered to him: he will first set his hopes on several unattainable targets (for example: Homo Leahdizons), before scanning his own socio-spheres. Several attempts to recreate a familial structure will ensue, and eventually fail, due to geographic or social dissimilarities (see article: “The Homo Kansaius Uchis”). Subsequently, the Nishikido Man will enter a phase of sexual disinterest, his hormonal level lowering to a critic stage, until one of his “pals” take him to a sociocultural encounter area (aka: “night club”). His testosterone level will then rise to a peak, prompting the Nishikido Man to an intensive sexual activity (aka: “sleeping around”). This phase will keep on forever if he doesn't find a endocrino-responsive parter. The Nishikido Man frequents areas full of potential mates, who gather during particular sociocultural events (the most important one being known as: “countdown”). He will eventually notice one of them, ignore the dissuasive parade of the Homo Kattus Akanishis (see article: “Relationships Amongst 'Emo' K.A.T.-.T.U.N Ethnic Group”) and discreetly start his own breeding display: show of dental diversity, dilatation of pupils and eyelid movement, light contact in order to raise a sexual interest, etc. If the display is effective, the chosen mate will then response positively: facial sanguine influx, overall feminization of the attitude, etc. Finally, the Nishikido Man will wait until the end of the sociocultural event to be alone with his parter and proceed to mating, after violently pouncing on him. Interestingly enough, if said partner happens to be the Homo Kattus Kamenashis, the mating session will most likely be long and pleasurable for the Nishikido Man and his mate, and may lead to a durable relationship between them. More interestingly, this sexual ritual doesn't lead to the reproduction of the Nishikido Man, but seems to satisfy him more than any other, more productive, encounters (see article: “Acting with a Female Partner”).
As a conclusion, we can say that this long mating strategy is adapted to its target: the Homo Kattus Kamenashis is know for his sensitivity to subtle hormonal communication (see article: “Getting Rid of an Homo Kattus Akanishis”), and we therefore will continue our studies on the mating rituals of these two specimens, even though it doesn't lead to the initial goal (survival of the specie).
Is it necessary to mention that I like the finality of aforementioned cheesy romantic plan?
Okay, then, boring stuff:
WARNINGS: Yes, there are sexual innuendos. (Is that how it's spelled?) Anyway. What do you want from my life, people? You put chocolate somewhere, I eat the chocolate. And I will stop now with bad metaphors.
DISCLAIMER: (Oh, how I hate that...) Even though I have machiavelic strategies of developing a sub-JE branch here, it's for the future, dudes. Wait before respecting me too much. I'm only the mad scientist. Every specimen belongs to his tribe.
RATING: I'm sorry, I have no idea? (Read the warnings...)
And... GENRE?: Crack. Warned you are. Okay, not crack. Irony. Heavy.