Fic: JayxJoKwon
That came up to me after watching Hot Blood. Because, yeah, I don't like Hot Blood. AT ALL.
But, nevermind.
Jay and JoKwon!
I am so weird.
Maybe in a hundred years I'll come up with original titles. Now it's just late.
silvaesedai, for you?
Title: On the Dusty Balcony
Pairing: JayKwon! (The evil twin sisters. Heh. mathildeofthe , this is reference for you.)
Rating: Gen
Summary: "...no idea what to think or what to feel, only that Korea was definitely, really, really weird"
ON THE DUSTY BALCONY
March 2008
They got dismissed and Jay escaped before anyone could stop him.
In the dusty corner of that room he had made his, he couldn't hear, there was no Kwon, no Li, no one, and it was all very well.
He had no idea what to think or what to feel, only that Korea was definitely, really, really weird.
Weird and fucking twisted. Who did that to a bunch of kids, huh? He still didn't know what to think, but he was sure somewhere deep down he didn't approve.
Jay waited for the ruckus outside to subside before carefully opening the door. The day would be over, soon, in an hour or so, and his elongated shadow stretched on the floor.
It was cold when he stepped on the balcony, he shuddered under his too large hoodie, but at least he would be alone there. He needed some time to think.
At the beginning he had felt sure his position was safe. He was Park Jaebum, he was talented and he had done a pretty good job up to now. He probably wouldn't be one to go. But did that mean it was okay to see the others leave? He had thought he would feel something very strong when the moment would come, but he hadn't expected that slightly disgusting nothing that was now pounding on his brain.
He had done his best, dammit! Losers were losers, and-
Or maybe it wasn't fair and he had to stand up for his friends, anything but that creepy blank, anything.
Anything.
It was so- frustrating.
Kwon, for God's sake! Couldn't he feel something, some kind of sadness, of “empathy”, towards Kwon? Kwon was his buddy, right?
The air was chilly, suddenly. Jay sat down and held his legs to his chest.
He would- he would- he would bring himself to care, somehow, he would.
“Then go back and cheer the others up, you phony...” There was that silly sissy little voice at the back of his head.
He would, he definitely would. Just... later. Later was okay, right, later was fine? For now he could just stay here, couldn't he? He would go, he would, he would go and tell stuff like: “It's gonna be fine,” or “At least we're together” to people like Kwon who hadn't been able to put up. He definitely would.
Jay curled up closer on himself and cursed, everything there was to curse, his selfishness and his selflessness, others and himself, fucking JYP, fucking Korea he had started to like, everything really.
It had been ages since he had felt that shaken - “Goodbye,” his mother had said. “You can come back if you don't like it.” - that upset, against something he didn't really recognize. Fucking twisted.
Lips bitten to blood and the shape of his nails imprinted in his palms, he swallowed back a “fuck”.
Behind him the door slid open, footsteps made the floor creak and there was a rustle of fabric. JoKwon carefully sat down next to him.
They stayed in silence for what seemed like an hour or two, but it hadn't been that long, really, because the sun in front of them still hang above the edge of the sea.
Jay's throat was tight. He struggled to find something to say, anything that wasn't sentimental crap, but he was just failing to compute anything above: “Are you okay?” which was just plain retarded.
Damn why was it so difficult? They had been friends for such a long time, it should have been easy, comfort him and give him a friendly pat on the shoulder, that was it. Jay could do this. He turned towards Kwon swiftly but the words died before he could say them.
Well shit.
JoKwon was curled up, head buried between his crossed arms. Jay's automatic thought was: “Please don't be crying.” He did seem relatively still, but you never knew.
Paralyzed. Jay was paralyzed. Stuck in this awkward position, couldn't move and couldn't talk. Couldn't do nothing either.
Talk, he prayed. Fucking say something already.
A pang of anger seized Jay. That was so unlike him. Since was Park Jaebum a coward? He didn't recognize himself in this whiny indecisive bitch.
And, Kwon, Kwon! Jay didn't like that silent, sadly quiet Kwon any more than he liked himself right now. Where was super-sparkly gay Kwonnie when you needed him, huh?
“Do something, Jay, or I'll curb your ass,” the voice said.
So Jay did, something impulsive and irrational, why the hell?
He grabbed Kwon's arm and pulled at it harshly, make Kwon fucking face him. And then Jay didn't know anymore, because Kwon had been crying, was crying, his eyes were all red and puffy and fuck, that was exactly what Jay had been trying to run away from earlier, he didn't want to see Kwon like this, didn't like that Kwon he didn't know, wanted the one who laughed and squealed and clapped his hands.
Jay was clueless, totally clueless, because Kwon had looked at him for the longest second of his life before throwing himself into Jay's arms, clutching the fabric of his hoodie and he was crying now, his shoulders were trembling, body shaking , crying like a girl in Jay's frozen hug, his face was warm against Jay's chest, damp, and, and...
Now what?
It would have stayed awkward as hell, and Jay still wasn't shocked enough to accept awkward as hell. He brought a comforting - he hoped it was comforting, he didn't really know - arm around Kwon's shoulders and hugged him lightly, “hey”, he heard himself say, “hey”.
He was lame. For the first time in, maybe not his life, but at least a good ten years, Park Jaebum was lame. It made his toes curl in frustration inside of his sneakers.
Kwon didn't seem to care, though, he pressed himself closer and proceeded to complete wetting Jay's hoodie.
Crap, that was just...
It pulled at all the wrong strings and...
No, goddammit, no, not that!
He said it, loud, louder: “stop it, Kwon, stop”.
Would he stop already?
By the time Jay's voice was barely above a whisper - “c'mon, Kwon, stop, please” - the dikes had broken, and-
No.
It was, it was the emotional background, yes, that crappy stuff they kept feeding them at school, it had to suddenly make sense. Emotional background.
Jay's nerves were affected by the ambient- sadness.
Sadness, yes.
Jay was sad and he was crying and he hoped Kwon couldn't sense it.
His second arm grabbed Kwon's shoulders too, it was all for the support, for the mutual comfort, only that.
Only that.
Time had stopped.
It was cold, now. The sun had finally fallen.
Silly Kwon had come outside in just a thin tee-shirt, you really couldn't trust him to take care of himself.
Jay carefully unhooked one of his arms, detached Kwon from him and pulled his hoodie off. At least it would make the little idiot warm. Hey, all of his clothes were padded and heavy. Korea could be a real ice chest, sometimes.
Kwon sniffed a bit, said nothing at all. If he noticed Jay's red eyes, he didn't say anything. He wasn't really one to talk, anyway. His arms got tangled in the sleeves - that what the counterpoint to waving them in every possible direction, probably.
Then he scooted back against Jay.
Err-
Kwon.
That was, err, no. Friendship had its limits, right? That was maybe a bit past friendship. It, huh.
Okay.
That was it, ladies and gentleman, before your astonished eyes, Park Jaebum indulging in camera-free skinship. Fuck you.
But Kwon sniffed a bit, so, okay. Fine.
Damn, Jay was cold, now.
But, nevermind.
Jay and JoKwon!
I am so weird.
Maybe in a hundred years I'll come up with original titles. Now it's just late.
silvaesedai, for you?
Title: On the Dusty Balcony
Pairing: JayKwon! (The evil twin sisters. Heh. mathildeofthe , this is reference for you.)
Rating: Gen
Summary: "...no idea what to think or what to feel, only that Korea was definitely, really, really weird"
ON THE DUSTY BALCONY
March 2008
They got dismissed and Jay escaped before anyone could stop him.
In the dusty corner of that room he had made his, he couldn't hear, there was no Kwon, no Li, no one, and it was all very well.
He had no idea what to think or what to feel, only that Korea was definitely, really, really weird.
Weird and fucking twisted. Who did that to a bunch of kids, huh? He still didn't know what to think, but he was sure somewhere deep down he didn't approve.
Jay waited for the ruckus outside to subside before carefully opening the door. The day would be over, soon, in an hour or so, and his elongated shadow stretched on the floor.
It was cold when he stepped on the balcony, he shuddered under his too large hoodie, but at least he would be alone there. He needed some time to think.
At the beginning he had felt sure his position was safe. He was Park Jaebum, he was talented and he had done a pretty good job up to now. He probably wouldn't be one to go. But did that mean it was okay to see the others leave? He had thought he would feel something very strong when the moment would come, but he hadn't expected that slightly disgusting nothing that was now pounding on his brain.
He had done his best, dammit! Losers were losers, and-
Or maybe it wasn't fair and he had to stand up for his friends, anything but that creepy blank, anything.
Anything.
It was so- frustrating.
Kwon, for God's sake! Couldn't he feel something, some kind of sadness, of “empathy”, towards Kwon? Kwon was his buddy, right?
The air was chilly, suddenly. Jay sat down and held his legs to his chest.
He would- he would- he would bring himself to care, somehow, he would.
“Then go back and cheer the others up, you phony...” There was that silly sissy little voice at the back of his head.
He would, he definitely would. Just... later. Later was okay, right, later was fine? For now he could just stay here, couldn't he? He would go, he would, he would go and tell stuff like: “It's gonna be fine,” or “At least we're together” to people like Kwon who hadn't been able to put up. He definitely would.
Jay curled up closer on himself and cursed, everything there was to curse, his selfishness and his selflessness, others and himself, fucking JYP, fucking Korea he had started to like, everything really.
It had been ages since he had felt that shaken - “Goodbye,” his mother had said. “You can come back if you don't like it.” - that upset, against something he didn't really recognize. Fucking twisted.
Lips bitten to blood and the shape of his nails imprinted in his palms, he swallowed back a “fuck”.
Behind him the door slid open, footsteps made the floor creak and there was a rustle of fabric. JoKwon carefully sat down next to him.
They stayed in silence for what seemed like an hour or two, but it hadn't been that long, really, because the sun in front of them still hang above the edge of the sea.
Jay's throat was tight. He struggled to find something to say, anything that wasn't sentimental crap, but he was just failing to compute anything above: “Are you okay?” which was just plain retarded.
Damn why was it so difficult? They had been friends for such a long time, it should have been easy, comfort him and give him a friendly pat on the shoulder, that was it. Jay could do this. He turned towards Kwon swiftly but the words died before he could say them.
Well shit.
JoKwon was curled up, head buried between his crossed arms. Jay's automatic thought was: “Please don't be crying.” He did seem relatively still, but you never knew.
Paralyzed. Jay was paralyzed. Stuck in this awkward position, couldn't move and couldn't talk. Couldn't do nothing either.
Talk, he prayed. Fucking say something already.
A pang of anger seized Jay. That was so unlike him. Since was Park Jaebum a coward? He didn't recognize himself in this whiny indecisive bitch.
And, Kwon, Kwon! Jay didn't like that silent, sadly quiet Kwon any more than he liked himself right now. Where was super-sparkly gay Kwonnie when you needed him, huh?
“Do something, Jay, or I'll curb your ass,” the voice said.
So Jay did, something impulsive and irrational, why the hell?
He grabbed Kwon's arm and pulled at it harshly, make Kwon fucking face him. And then Jay didn't know anymore, because Kwon had been crying, was crying, his eyes were all red and puffy and fuck, that was exactly what Jay had been trying to run away from earlier, he didn't want to see Kwon like this, didn't like that Kwon he didn't know, wanted the one who laughed and squealed and clapped his hands.
Jay was clueless, totally clueless, because Kwon had looked at him for the longest second of his life before throwing himself into Jay's arms, clutching the fabric of his hoodie and he was crying now, his shoulders were trembling, body shaking , crying like a girl in Jay's frozen hug, his face was warm against Jay's chest, damp, and, and...
Now what?
It would have stayed awkward as hell, and Jay still wasn't shocked enough to accept awkward as hell. He brought a comforting - he hoped it was comforting, he didn't really know - arm around Kwon's shoulders and hugged him lightly, “hey”, he heard himself say, “hey”.
He was lame. For the first time in, maybe not his life, but at least a good ten years, Park Jaebum was lame. It made his toes curl in frustration inside of his sneakers.
Kwon didn't seem to care, though, he pressed himself closer and proceeded to complete wetting Jay's hoodie.
Crap, that was just...
It pulled at all the wrong strings and...
No, goddammit, no, not that!
He said it, loud, louder: “stop it, Kwon, stop”.
Would he stop already?
By the time Jay's voice was barely above a whisper - “c'mon, Kwon, stop, please” - the dikes had broken, and-
No.
It was, it was the emotional background, yes, that crappy stuff they kept feeding them at school, it had to suddenly make sense. Emotional background.
Jay's nerves were affected by the ambient- sadness.
Sadness, yes.
Jay was sad and he was crying and he hoped Kwon couldn't sense it.
His second arm grabbed Kwon's shoulders too, it was all for the support, for the mutual comfort, only that.
Only that.
Time had stopped.
It was cold, now. The sun had finally fallen.
Silly Kwon had come outside in just a thin tee-shirt, you really couldn't trust him to take care of himself.
Jay carefully unhooked one of his arms, detached Kwon from him and pulled his hoodie off. At least it would make the little idiot warm. Hey, all of his clothes were padded and heavy. Korea could be a real ice chest, sometimes.
Kwon sniffed a bit, said nothing at all. If he noticed Jay's red eyes, he didn't say anything. He wasn't really one to talk, anyway. His arms got tangled in the sleeves - that what the counterpoint to waving them in every possible direction, probably.
Then he scooted back against Jay.
Err-
Kwon.
That was, err, no. Friendship had its limits, right? That was maybe a bit past friendship. It, huh.
Okay.
That was it, ladies and gentleman, before your astonished eyes, Park Jaebum indulging in camera-free skinship. Fuck you.
But Kwon sniffed a bit, so, okay. Fine.
Damn, Jay was cold, now.