When Everything Isn't Enough
There's Yamapi-&-Jin, and Yamapi, and Jin, and Kame somehow.
R.
WHEN EVERYTHING IS NOT ENOUGH
Some night _ Jin's
“Jin... Wait, it hurts...”
“Relax, Pi, relax, it's gonna get better soon, it's supposed to... Relax.”
Jin kisses Yamapi's face clumsily, and rolls his hips up again, inside him. Pi cries out and tears stream down his cheeks.
“Jin, stop, please,” he begs. Jin freezes, looks at his pained face and gathers all of his will to pull out. Yamapi winces and lets out a tiny moan at the sudden emptiness, but Jin embraces him strongly, kisses him everywhere, strokes his hair.
“I'm sorry.”
Pi doesn't move, doesn't make a sound. He stays curled up, Jin's arms wrapped around him.
“God, I'm so sorry...”
Yamapi wakes up at dawn, with a blurry sense of discomfort. His head weights like fifty tuns, an indistinct pain in his limbs, and Jin has both of his arms wrapped around his chest, his skin sticky. Slowly, Pi untangles himself and gathers his clothes. It's almost mechanical and would have been perfect if Pi hadn't looked at Jin's sleeping face, messy with little shudders and pathetic whines, brow furrowed and chewing the inside of his cheek.
The following week _ A bit everywhere
When Jin woke up and didn't see Pi next to him, he thought that it wasn't such a big deal: Pi is busy, busier than him, and he probably had an early appointment or some shit like that, and didn't want to wake Jin up. He would probably call later.
But Pi doesn't call that day, neither the following, nor the one after, and eventually Jin stops counting. His messages stay unanswered and he is always redirected towards the voice-mail.
On the fourth day, Jin realizes that maybe Pi doesn't want to talk to him.
On the fourth day, Yamapi finally understands why he's been avoiding Jin. At first, it came out more like a reflex. Instinctively, you're just not on normal terms with your best friend whom you tried to sleep with. But staring at the screen of his cellphone (“Are you okay? Please call me.”) on the morning of the fourth day, Yamapi understands he's mad at Jin, angrier than he's ever been, and maybe at himself also.
What an asshole.
Something is bugging Jin and Kame doesn't know what to do.
Queen of Pirates _ Tokyo Dome
It takes a while for Jin to realize the missing thing, but when he does it hurts. Pi is ignoring him, very obviously. They stand next to each other and they smile - not at each other - and they talk - not to each other - and Jin is hyper-aware of Pi next to him, almost overwhelmed with the need to grab the front of his shirt and throw him to the floor and make Pi fucking acknowledge him already.
It hurts as hell, but Jin doesn't emit a sound. Bites his lips when it gets too painful. He deserves it.
A few meters away, Kame waits for the spotlights to leave him before locking his eyes on Jin and letting that exhausting tension appear on his face, for a fraction of second.
Jin is hurt and it hurts.
So Kame steps in the blinding white, takes the mic' when it becomes awkward. He'll be Yamapi's friend for tonight.
It's almost okay with him.
It's like Pi has a Jin-radar integrated. All the time they stand together on that platform, Pi can only think of Jin, Jin, behind his back, Jin's voice only in his ears, Jin's strong scent, sweaty and tired. It's already been hard enough not to look at him, to pretend not having heard what he just said.
But it's worth it because Pi is still mad, a cold fury burning in his chest mixed with something that resembles disgust, he's not sure towards whom.
Post concert _ KAT-TUN's almost empty dressing room
Pi shares KAT-TUN's room, because, hey, they're pals. He hasn't much to do, though, and his main job consists in patting every shoulder that appears in front of him and say: “Good job”. It's not very demanding.
Jin apparently gave up on trying to get his attention, and is busy with his bag, and his glasses, and a bottle of water, and Yamapi doesn't know if he regrets something or not.
One by one KAT-TUN leaves, and at last Kame's hand brushes the handle, he turns back briefly, shots a tiny smile to Pi and tries something for Jin - clears his throat, “I'm leaving”, waves his hand, “Bye”, and a last glance at Pi, half-apologetic half-sad smile - who doesn't look up.
“Oh, Pi, I'm so sorry...”
Jin realizes he's sobbing, on his knees at Yamapi's feet, head pressed against his belly, breathing into his shirt.
“So sorry...”
Pi cups his chin with one hand and lifts his head. Through his tears, Jin can barely see his face, but there's something strange hidden there, like a greater compassion. He mumbles again:
“I'm sorry.”
Yamapi pulls Jin up and hugs him, strong and warm, but, always, so unreadable. It drives Jin crazy, and Yamapi strokes his hair once, twice, before whispering: “Good night” in his ear and leaving.
Yamapi carefully closes the door of the dressing room and looks at Kame, up and down, not aggressive and not intrigued, just looking.
“You were waiting?” he asks.
Kame nods, shrugs and feels a bit vulnerable suddenly. He's never been very comfortable with Yamapi to begin with, and a pretense has never been that hard to pull off. He detaches his back from the wall, brushes the tip of his boot against his other foot, pulls at the end of his sleeve and says:
“Yeah.”
Like it's no big deal, he always does, nothing unusual. Yamapi nods and remains silent, staring behind him.
“Is he alright?” Kame asks suddenly. (He regrets talking immediately afterwards.)
Yamapi breathes, nods and shrugs.
The tension in Kame's stomach increases but he agrees to have a last drink with Yamapi.
A few days after the concert _ Yamapi's
For a moment Pi wonders what has been wrong, what is so unusual about hanging with Kame, until he realizes the knot isn't there. Of course, thinking of it makes it tighten instantaneously, but he has been able to forget about it, at least for a moment, and that's a lot.
“I'd like you to stay,” Pi finally says, when Kame is tying his shoelaces. He fixes his eyes on the long, thin hands, the knot of the fingers, stilled.
Kame's back arches, a shudder spreads down his spine as he comes, silent, into Yamapi's hand. Pi gives a few more thrusts, bites his shoulder and releases himself against his stomach.
Kame feels empty, hollow. And Jin on his mind, even with Yamapi dragging his lips across his throat and pulling him to his chest.
It's like he's done an enormous mistake, and somehow Yamapi must sense this, because he whispers: “It's okay, it's fine...” in Kame's ear.
He's fallen asleep on top of him, and Pi strokes Kame's thin hair, the lines of his face. Slowly the rare sensation of safety he's experienced during that evening is starting to slip out of his grasp and with a vicious twist in his belly, he is reminded of Jin, Jin who cried and whom he misses. So Pi tightens his hold around Kame and tries to tell himself that it will be alright.
A busy evening _ On the film set of some variety show
“Jin,” Kame whispers. He hopes nobody will ever know the mental struggle he had to endure in order to say that name.
But Jin just turns back, cocks his head and mouthes: “What?”
“Are you okay?” Kame asks, raising his thumb.
“Mm,” Jin responds with a firm nod and a bit of a smile. Kame is a bit disappointed.
“After,” Jin mouthes, and makes a roll-roll motion - “after” - with his fingers.
The show isn't really relevant, as always, so Jin feels a bit disconnected, as always. He follows the line of Kame's hair, where the end of the strands brush the neck of his shirt and thinks that he would just have to extend his hand, barely a few centimeters in front of him, to touch.
Late that same night, after the show _ A small sake stand
“Go,” Kame repeats firmly, and he hopes he never regrets this decision.
Even later* _ A few streets away from Yamapi's
Jin hopes he never regrets this decision, or he would if he wasn't that drunk.
* _ Elevator to Yamapi's
Anxiety makes Jin sober.
Even later and after a very quick talk _ Yamapi's
Jin's mouth connects with Pi's skin, he traces the lines of the muscles, dips his tongue into the navel, and, oh, Yamapi likes it, Yamapi is moaning and it goddam sounds like Jin's name. It's so good, so real, Jin's mind goes numb and twirls, he can't believe it, really, really? But, yes, Pi is here with him and it's the first time since ages that Jin feels in control of the situation, a bit. Eager, he lets his lips slide along that line that stretches from the belly-button to lower, presser harder at times and wastes no time taking all of Yamapi in his mouth.
Jin takes a deep breath, locks eyes with Pi before slowly, slowly, pushing into him. He has to bite his lip to prevent from crying with bliss, because the sensation and the thought of it, he is into Yamapi, are enough to send him to this tiny step just before release. So he stays still, sheathed in that tight heat, unable to move for a while. His hand blindly gropes for Pi's and he locks their fingers together. Yamapi lets out a low whine from the back of throat and leans up as the same time Jin leans down to kiss him. “P-Pi-chan...” he whispers when they part. Yamapi gasps a bit on the unique syllable of his name, “Jin”, and closes his eyes, fingers tight around his. Jin takes the hint and pushes forward gently, then pulls back. It feels so good that he closes his eyes as well and concentrates on Yamapi's body under him, on the grasp on his hand. He rocks them both together, and apart, and together again, and he can feel Pi tense and relax, pulse around him.
Jin smells good, a bit inebriated but good. He's heavy on top of Pi, snoring softly. Without thinking, Yamapi trails his finger across his features, between the wet bangs on his forehead, and with an icy chill suddenly sees Kame's face and Kame's hair and- Kame.
End of NEWS' practice _ Behind the Jimusho
Pi feels exhausted, finished, dead to the world. That choreographer is a bitch, and listening to the others rant (“I was so getting those steps right!” “Yeah right, as if...” “Wait, Kato, what did you just say to Tego-nyan?”) makes him crave a smoke pretty badly. He leaves the others in charge of Ryo and excuses himself.
The smoke infiltrating itself into his lungs, and the wall behind his back, and the smell of rain, everything makes the instant almost perfect. Pi thinks of texting Jin, but, somehow, he's good here. It's still a bit weird, a bit awkward, the two of them together. He needs some time alone too.
Yamapi closes his eyes and enjoys his cigarette.
“Hey,” says someone.
Kame stands here like he'd rather be anywhere else, but still he smiles a bit. His fingers clutch at the cigarette, all of his movements feverish. It's like a movie in a very bad quality. Pi lets himself stare at that catastrophe of a body. He doesn't care if it's rude, he just can't stop. Kame seems to carry himself like a burden, like fifty kilos is too much. His arms have lost their coordination, the natural grace that Kame brought with him. Even in his darkest skinny-Shuuji era, Pi has never seen him so broken. There are also dark, dark semicircles under his eyes, purple that brushes his cheekbones, his hair falls sadly on his forehead and he seems cold. So goddam frozen.
His lighter is empty, so Yamapi, out of an impulse, steps closer to him and wordlessly reaches for the cigarette between Kame's thin lips, lights it, gives it back and stays there.
“What?” Kame hears himself ask. His voice must come out a bit weak. He's sung quite a lot.
Yamapi doesn't answer and stares at a pebble at Kame's feet. Kame has never seen someone so distant.
Or maybe he did, when Jin and him weren't friends.
Still. Kame can't help hating that he's not able to get what Yamapi thinks right now, can't help hating being stuck here with him.
There's a sudden rush of movement that makes him step back - and he hates himself for it. But then Yamapi is handing his coat and saying: “Here. Take it.”
Kame can't understand that either, but he really can't do anything else than take it.
After the afternoon practice _ KAT-TUN's room
When Kame came back, Jin didn't really notice anything different, except that he somehow looked familiar, but Kame's Kame, so it was more or less normal. However he did notice that Kame hadn't eaten, because even if he mumbled: “Yakisoba” quickly, it was pretty obvious.
Jin didn't say anything back then, because it was not his business.
Now he's worried.
Kame tripped twice during practice.
Kame never trips.
And if there's one thing Jin can do, it's at least make sure that Kame eats properly. Maybe then he'll stop tripping.
So, even if it's not really an habit between the two of them, he offers Kame to go and grab something at the new takoyaki stand next to the Jimusho. He doesn't even have to insist that much until Kame finally says: “Okay, let's go” and tries to smile.
“Hey!” Jin exclaims. “Isn't that the same coat as Pi's?”
Kame freezes and considers lying (“Really? Oh, well, I liked it...”) but the coat is very obviously to big for him, and also very obviously not his style. However it's padded and warm, and Kame already has an armful of bags anyway. So he nods and mutters an explanation.
If Jin finds it strange, for once he doesn't say it.
Later in the evening _ Yamapi's
“What's wrong?” he asks in Jin's hair.
They both exhausted, still warm with afterglow, but he knows that just like him, Jin isn't asleep.
“Kame...” Jin answers in his shoulder. “I'm worried...”
Pi gulps and tightens his hold around Jin's waist, pulls him closer. He doesn't want to let go.
“He's not okay, is he?” It's not a question. After all, Pi saw himself. Jin says “no” against his skin, in a small, tiny voice, and Pi knows he's more than worried. It crushes his chest, that feeling.
“He loves you, you know,” he whispers. The words hang in the air between them, carefully. Yamapi doesn't want to regret them now.
“I know,” Jin answers. “He kissed me.”
Pi swallows on nothing, but Jin seems to press himself even closer to his chest, like he's afraid he'll leave, so he says softly:
“I gave him my coat.”
“I know,” Jin says again. There's nothing behind that statement, nothing to make their situation evolve, and Yamapi understands Jin has left everything up to him. He breathes the weight of this strange responsibility.
Jin feels Pi's breath on his neck, hot and damp and there, while they both look at the screen of his cellphone. It's weird, that thing Pi just proposed, but somehow it's just what Jin expected (and maybe wanted) - and Pi had to know it, because by detours that Jin doesn't fully apprehend, Pi always knows.
When it buzzes back they both jump and Jin's finger stumbles over the “OK” button. By the time he understands what the message reads, Pi has already opened their front door.
Kame, in a haze - a bit induced by alcohol, yes, but very induced by- whatever that is - lets Yamapi grab his hand and lead him to his bedroom. He stops when he sees Jin, wrapped in the sheet, gaping at him with big eyes, mouth parted. Yamapi's thumb is rubbing the inside of his wrist, slowly shifting upwards to the crease of the elbow and Jin seems to be completely mesmerized by the sight. Kame feels an arm circle his waist strongly and lips at the top of his head. Yamapi pushes him gently to the bed, where Jin sits up and pulls Kame to him.
“Now?” Pi asks. Jin has Kame cradled into his arms, between them, and he's so tiny-tiny they're almost afraid to squeeze too much and break him.
“We have practice tomorrow morning,” mumbles his voice, tiny-tiny, and Jin's hair waves a bit with his breath.
“Right,” Jin laughs a bit. He sounds out of air, delighted and surprised, much like he doesn't believe any of it but he still wants to. “Right,” he repeats. “So now we sleep.”
Next morning _ Yamapi's
Kame wakes up in a cocoon of warmth and feels good, overwhelmingly good.
Warmth at the back of his neck and warmth against his back, warmth around his waist, warmth in his hands. Kame's comfortable, curled in soft, plushy sleep. His eyes flutter open, lazily, like they've got all the time in the world.
He gasps.
Jin, asleep, is breathing softly in his neck and within a heartbeat Kame remembers that the hot, soft pillow behind him is very probably Yamapi.
His rational sense screams: “Wrong!” in his head, but he realizes he's completely trapped between them, considering how they're hugging each other across him.
Restless shifting wakes Jin up, but he doesn't bother move an inch, except to groan: “Breakfast, Pi,” in -Pi's?- skinny collarbone. Skinny!Pi shifts even more, lets out a tiny moan, and while it normally arouses Jin, right now it sounds too distressed to do any else but fully awake him.
“What the fuck, Jin?” Pi mumbles when he wakes up. Jin's been wiggling and fucking elbowing him and, really, what the fuck, Jin?
Then he hears Jin squeak, and he knows it's not Jin he's currently holding.
And then he figures it's Kame.
Is it actually possible to feel your mind make a full one-eighty? Kame thinks it is, because when Yamapi circles around his waist strongly - pulls, making him turn around to face him, and kisses him like he's not giving Kame any other option - all the logical, serious, normal thoughts of work and avoiding indecency like plague fly from Kame's brain, leaving him with barely more than: “Yamapi. Good.”
The other tiny bit of conscience being focused on: “Jin”.
Jin's belly warms up at the sight of Yamapi having Kame locked in his arms, but it's nowhere near enough, so Jin decides to add his spice to the pretty dish they're making. He finally gets to touch that neck, right at the end of the strands, a bit rough from too much dying. All the better, Jin thinks, rolling the locks between his fingers. Carefully, like eating a strawberry, he mouthes the round knot of Kame's spine, feeling it with the tip of his tongue, and Kame arches into Yamapi's arm, tries to press himself against both Pi and Jin.
This is fun, Pi muses. That he's finally able to take care of Kame like he wants to, that Jin is obviously as happy as him, and that Kame most certainly doesn't mind at all.
“Jin,” he says in between nibbling at Kame's nose (oh the turn on). From behind, Jin nods, scoots backs and locks eyes with Pi as he pulls Kame on top of him and Pi settles above.
“... This is too good...” Kame's brain manages to say, but his body is trapped between Jin, erection pressing against his butt, and Yamapi, erection pressing against his crotch.
Furthermore Kame is totally hard and it doesn't help.
Jin scoots his fingers upwards, under Kame's shirt, and drags them across the jutting ribs, where it makes Kame shiver, towards the tiny nipples. Jin has already seen them (who hasn't) but touching feels entirely different. Touching while not seeing is an entirely surreal experience, one that makes Kame whine and moan and rub his ass against Jin. Must be pretty, those small pink spots dropped on Kame's chest.
Yamapi feels Jin's fingers, through their shirts, brush against his own nipples and he detaches his mouth from Kame's to arch back and moan. He's thrusting between Kame's eagerly spread tights, and the caress of cotton against his cock drives him closer and closer.
Kame, in a haze - Jin is rubbing and twisting, oh - grabs at something round, fleshy and firm, and squeezes. Above him, Yamapi howls and bucks harder into him, making him so hard, so hard, while he grips Yamapi's ass and pulls him closer again. He rubs himself against Jin behind, Jin mouthing at Kame's ear, Kame grinding against Yamapi, Yamapi leaning in to kiss Jin, mouth open.
All in all, this is all pretty normal. Doing it with a guy isn't that different than doing it with two. Pi is still kissing the same and Kame's undulations feel a lot like Kame. It's normal, himself, Pi and Kame. The entire threesome-freaking is for pussies, in Jin's humble opinion.
Until a tiny, meandering tongue makes its way between Pi's and his, and starts twisting and twirling with them.
Three-way kisses are hot, Jin decides, and he extracts his hands from Kame's shirt to wrap his arms around Pi's shoulders and his legs around Pi's waist. He tightens his hold and decides to lead the thing from now on, because Kame and Pi seem pretty much lost here.
Yamapi gives up on trying to choose - Jin, Kame, Jin, Kame - and curls his tongue around another one, grinds down on Kame, hot and shivery, very close. Jin's foot massages his butt, slips under his waistband and slides down his crack and...
At the same moment, “so good”, and they're coming, coming, together, “so good”, even if Kame's neck hurts a bit from twisting it to get the right angle at kissing, even if Jin is starting to feel suffocated, even if Yamapi's arms have trouble supporting him.
Their tongues curl against each other one last time before Jin slowly untangles his legs and Pi falls to a side. Kame sights, sated, and closes his eyes. He blindly reaches around and grasps firmly at their hands.