my dream helped me understand
I had a bad dream last night/this morning. In the dream, D and I were together, and I was at his place and naked on the floor. I asked him for something to put on, but he said he had nothing he could spare. When I'd make suggestions, he'd only get irritated. Then his friends were at the door, a sliding glass door where they could view inside and see me. I pleaded with D to give me something to cover up, but he ignored me, let his friends in, and just shrugged about the state I was in and ignored me, so they did, too. Sort of. They felt kind of bad, but since he didn't seem to think I was worth paying attention to, they went on with their visit. Some time later, the friends were gone, but I was there, and wearing clothes. He had a visitor -- it was a woman and her sister and a friend. They came in, noticed me but paid little attention. They didn't introduce themselves. They snubbed me and acted like I didn't belong. Then one, a tiny blond, pretended she was just a friend of his, but it was clear they were involved. She was prissing around and showing how much she belonged there, and how much attention he was paying to her. He was uncomfortable with us both being there, but I approached her off to the side and told her that I knew what she was up to. At that point, the other women began to tell me I was the outsider. Then D started pretending I wasn't there, and giving her presents -- thoughtful, expensive presents. I can't remember how the dream ended, only how I felt. I was angry and humiliated.
This dream has it all. My nakedness was my vulnerability. His unwillingness to provide me cover was his cavalier way of telling me I was no longer important -- not my feelings, my needs, and definitely not my problems. The part about the woman being there is obvious. He chose her over me. She knew about me, but I didn't know about her. Her being a petite blond is probably false because I know she is a brunette, and I don't know her size, but she is probably not tiny. I think that's just my insecurity about my own size presenting in her as my polar opposite -- a more attractive woman with whom I can't compete.
I guess what this dream does for me, besides making me feel bad all over again, is illuminate how humiliating and cruel he was to me the day I found out he was cheating on me with her. It still makes me feel sick in the pit of my stomach.
This dream has it all. My nakedness was my vulnerability. His unwillingness to provide me cover was his cavalier way of telling me I was no longer important -- not my feelings, my needs, and definitely not my problems. The part about the woman being there is obvious. He chose her over me. She knew about me, but I didn't know about her. Her being a petite blond is probably false because I know she is a brunette, and I don't know her size, but she is probably not tiny. I think that's just my insecurity about my own size presenting in her as my polar opposite -- a more attractive woman with whom I can't compete.
I guess what this dream does for me, besides making me feel bad all over again, is illuminate how humiliating and cruel he was to me the day I found out he was cheating on me with her. It still makes me feel sick in the pit of my stomach.