eternal sunshine
I'm watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I've seen it before...parts of it several times since it's on cable. It wasn't until now I thought about the erasing of a person from the mind. How tempting that would be. I keep thinking I'm better, that I'm past my grief, and thenI have a day like today. The pain was as fresh as the first few days. Why? (whywhywhywhy!!!)
I keep wanting to speed it up. Nothing works. I can review every bad thing about him, about us together, about the day we broke up, and none of that helps. None of it. I feel awful no matter what. Then I get frustrated at myself for being so weak and fragile and sad. I feel foolish and broken.
I bought a self help series on grief and loss to listen to in my car because this is so clearly about unresolved grief and abandonment. This isn't about HIM really. It's an accumulation of many things. Of that I am sure. Biggest clue: my inability to leave a bad relationship. Funny how I believe in therapy, psychology, the unconscious mind, all of that kind of thing, yet I'm irritated at myself for being, well, human. I want to get through this messy stuff and get better so that I can be whole and happy again, so that I can be stronger, more resilient. It does not escape me that I started seeing a counselor a few months ago so that I could work through my unresolved issues (not really aware of what they were at the time), and bam, this happened. Be careful what you ask for, eh? *heavy sigh* This pain had better serve me well. Swear to God.
From Eloisa to Abelard by Alexander Pope:
How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd;
Labour and rest, that equal periods keep;
"Obedient slumbers that can wake and weep;"
Desires compos'd, affections ever ev'n,
Tears that delight, and sighs that waft to Heav'n.
Grace shines around her with serenest beams,
And whisp'ring angels prompt her golden dreams.