reprieve
Ahhhh.....a much better evening. I talked to a friend. She's in the MSW program with me, I've known her since junior high school, and even though we never have been close, she is someone I like and trust. I told her about D. She knew him back in high school. He dated her best friend for two years. When I told her how he treated me, she immediately said I can do better, and that he hasn't changed a bit. She never badmouthed him, but something about how she knows him and knows me and said without hesitation that I deserve better made me feel a ton of relief. She is the only person I've talked to about him that knows him. My housemates and friends haven't known him long and they only know the person he presented to me, to us all.
To top things off, I was in my first social justice class and reviewing the syllabus when it really hit me how unlikely it would be for me to remain with him and do well in this program. Talk about dissonance, cognitive and otherwise. The first time D said something racist, I was concerned, but I tried to use it as an opportunity to help him understand my thoughts and feelings on the subject. He understood about privilege and generalizing about others, but he didn't seem to care much. I remember going to the downstairs of the house (we were at his place at the lake), and I cried. I had been so happy for several weeks and it was my first inkling that he wasn't going to be someone I could stay with long term. I managed to push that aside somehow. It is important to recognize it now to help myself understand myself and why it wouldn't work with him. I compromised. That's not something inherently bad. Sometimes it's a good thing. In this case, it was a huge flaming red flag.
Another time he really let the slurs fly. I was so upset about it I had to tell a close friend and I brought it up with my counselor. Again, I decided to wait and see how things worked out. Now things are beginning to crystallize. I feel protected by a higher power. I truly do. I think of how some people claim there are no coincidences, I think about cosmic justice, karma, God's plan. Yes, this happened at the right time. The timing allowed for a week of soul searching and grief before my outrageously difficult courseload began. It also allows me to focus on what's important without him pulling me away from studies because he's finally available, or worse, presenting me with an argument against everything I hold to be true and important. He tells me I'm smart, but also disregards college as a waste of time.
Yes, crystallization. That's what's happening.
To top things off, I was in my first social justice class and reviewing the syllabus when it really hit me how unlikely it would be for me to remain with him and do well in this program. Talk about dissonance, cognitive and otherwise. The first time D said something racist, I was concerned, but I tried to use it as an opportunity to help him understand my thoughts and feelings on the subject. He understood about privilege and generalizing about others, but he didn't seem to care much. I remember going to the downstairs of the house (we were at his place at the lake), and I cried. I had been so happy for several weeks and it was my first inkling that he wasn't going to be someone I could stay with long term. I managed to push that aside somehow. It is important to recognize it now to help myself understand myself and why it wouldn't work with him. I compromised. That's not something inherently bad. Sometimes it's a good thing. In this case, it was a huge flaming red flag.
Another time he really let the slurs fly. I was so upset about it I had to tell a close friend and I brought it up with my counselor. Again, I decided to wait and see how things worked out. Now things are beginning to crystallize. I feel protected by a higher power. I truly do. I think of how some people claim there are no coincidences, I think about cosmic justice, karma, God's plan. Yes, this happened at the right time. The timing allowed for a week of soul searching and grief before my outrageously difficult courseload began. It also allows me to focus on what's important without him pulling me away from studies because he's finally available, or worse, presenting me with an argument against everything I hold to be true and important. He tells me I'm smart, but also disregards college as a waste of time.
Yes, crystallization. That's what's happening.