Insecurities
Why do we have insecurities? Some times I feel as if they run my life. I am a pretty optimistic person and lately I have problems with a lot of insecurities that I really didn't know I had. It is mostly to do with relationships. I have only had four relationships (including the one I am in) and the past three have been similar to one another. I have always had to compete with other people for my b/f’s attention and love. (or what I thought was love) My first relationship, granted we were very young, was a good learning experience. I learned not to give too much of yourself to someone else. After being together for almost three years I found out that he really was in love (or infatuated) with another girl. Second and third relationships were very similar. They both rushed into the relationship even though I didn’t want to and told me I was the one..etc..etc. then cheated on me. I also had a bad experience while on a date at a party, a mixture of alcohol and stupidity isn’t a good match. Now I have this little voice in my head telling me all men will lie and cheat and hurt you……
So here I am with a wonderful man who I am madly in love with and can’t stand to be more than 2 feet away from and I am holding back. I am afraid to let go. It is not fair to him. We have only known each other for a short period of time, but we have decided to get married in March. I couldn’t be happier, but something tells me that I am being an idiot and that he will do the same thing that all my x’s have done. I feel like if I let go and give completely in to this relationship I will get hurt again and I don’t know if I can handle that. Some times I feel like I am purposely pushing him away, why you ask? I don’t have an answer to that question.
I have come to the conclusion that you should not have high expectations for people. Maybe it is me and I am expecting too much from men. I just want them to love me, respect me, and be committed to a relationship. Yes I know men are more self centered and don’t think of others like women do (or like I do) I can’t generalize. I have told my current man that he needs to think more like a couple and understand that there are two of us to think about. I have a problem (well at least I consider it a problem) I tend to put others before myself all the time. When I go shopping I think of what my family and my boyfriend may like or I always try to do little things to help others out. I enjoy making others happy and doing things for others. I feel guilty buying myself stuff and I always worry about making others happy… why you ask again? I DON”T KNOW.
The holidays tend to make us think more about what is important in life and how family and close friends are what really matters. Since this will be my first Christmas in 5 years that I won’t be alone I am very excited. However, planning a wedding and your man being gone during the holidays isn’t the best of situations. He will be home for Christmas, which I am so freaking happy about. In the mean time I have my family members hounding me about wedding stuff and I feel like it is more of a chore than fun wedding stuff. I know it is our wedding and we should do what we want, but when your parents are paying for it and you have a very small budget it gets tough. His family is well off. My family is more on the lower class scale than them, which also is a hindrance in this situation. I want to have a nice wedding, but I feel no matter how hard I try to make it nice, because they are used to a different lifestyle they will be disappointed in it and look down upon my family. There is nothing I can do about that though. They are going to think what they want.
I guess anyone who is getting ready to get married has worries. I worry that I am rushing into things too fast. I worry that I am always going to have to live paycheck to paycheck because I decided I don’t want to teach and I like my office job. I am worried that I will go crazy with my man being gone for 6 months on deployment right after we get married. I know I worry way too much.
Now with all this going on I feel numb... I feel lost, alone, and confused....
Well, now that I have rambled on and switched subjects way too many times with in one journal entry..ha ha I will leave it like this…..
So here I am with a wonderful man who I am madly in love with and can’t stand to be more than 2 feet away from and I am holding back. I am afraid to let go. It is not fair to him. We have only known each other for a short period of time, but we have decided to get married in March. I couldn’t be happier, but something tells me that I am being an idiot and that he will do the same thing that all my x’s have done. I feel like if I let go and give completely in to this relationship I will get hurt again and I don’t know if I can handle that. Some times I feel like I am purposely pushing him away, why you ask? I don’t have an answer to that question.
I have come to the conclusion that you should not have high expectations for people. Maybe it is me and I am expecting too much from men. I just want them to love me, respect me, and be committed to a relationship. Yes I know men are more self centered and don’t think of others like women do (or like I do) I can’t generalize. I have told my current man that he needs to think more like a couple and understand that there are two of us to think about. I have a problem (well at least I consider it a problem) I tend to put others before myself all the time. When I go shopping I think of what my family and my boyfriend may like or I always try to do little things to help others out. I enjoy making others happy and doing things for others. I feel guilty buying myself stuff and I always worry about making others happy… why you ask again? I DON”T KNOW.
The holidays tend to make us think more about what is important in life and how family and close friends are what really matters. Since this will be my first Christmas in 5 years that I won’t be alone I am very excited. However, planning a wedding and your man being gone during the holidays isn’t the best of situations. He will be home for Christmas, which I am so freaking happy about. In the mean time I have my family members hounding me about wedding stuff and I feel like it is more of a chore than fun wedding stuff. I know it is our wedding and we should do what we want, but when your parents are paying for it and you have a very small budget it gets tough. His family is well off. My family is more on the lower class scale than them, which also is a hindrance in this situation. I want to have a nice wedding, but I feel no matter how hard I try to make it nice, because they are used to a different lifestyle they will be disappointed in it and look down upon my family. There is nothing I can do about that though. They are going to think what they want.
I guess anyone who is getting ready to get married has worries. I worry that I am rushing into things too fast. I worry that I am always going to have to live paycheck to paycheck because I decided I don’t want to teach and I like my office job. I am worried that I will go crazy with my man being gone for 6 months on deployment right after we get married. I know I worry way too much.
Now with all this going on I feel numb... I feel lost, alone, and confused....
Well, now that I have rambled on and switched subjects way too many times with in one journal entry..ha ha I will leave it like this…..