I don't know...
For anyone, who
feels the need to read this, you don't need too... this is purely for
my own sanity I guess, just to somehow manage to get out in words what
my brain, and heart are feeling. Which can be hard for me because when
I have these types of feelings, nothing seems to come out easy.
It's been almost a month, since I gave birth to McKenzie. An entire month... and I feel like it flew by insanely fast, and yet, I don't remember any of it. I just remember existing... existing off of what little hope I have left that something truely amazing will happen - existing off the fact I too, will be in Heaven one day, happy, peaceful, safe, unharmed, untouched except the touch of love. We have still yet to bring the throw away camera in to be developed from her birth. Maybe that sounds horrible, but I don't feel the need to see her right now. Her image, her time alive is still so fresh in my brain, that I can still smell her, feel her head on my left arm. I get the chills just thinking about her, marvel over her gorgeous blonde hair that was so perfectly fitting for such an angel. Her alertness, her contentness, her innocence. She had no idea that she was so sick, she never suffered. And when she left, she left strong, stronger then what she was while she lived, stronger then I will ever know how to be. Who would have thought that someone so tiny, so lifeless, had such an amazing power over me, I can't even describe to you that type of feeling. McKenzie died at exactly 3:04 on July 28th. Those 3 numbers, have come to mean the world to me. My Grandpa, my best friend in the entire world passed away on March 4, 2005, coicindently, 3/04. I have managed to hold onto that fact, that my Grandpa was there, welcoming Kenzie. The night before I was induced happened to be one of the longest power outtages we've ever had, happened to also be the night that I missed my Grandpa so badly, I cried for him, I wasn't nervous for the day to come, I was nervous that he wouldn't be there with me, to hold my hand, to hug me, to wipe away my tears when they fell. He proved to me that he was there, taking with him the one thing that would have grown to be my angel regardless of if she had wings or not, and I'm okay with that. I miss her so much, I think about how much she might weigh by now, what color her eyes would be, how fast her gorgeous hair would grow, how tall she would be, if she would be smiling or cooing yet, I miss what I could have, but I try to remember what I did have. I had 2 amazing hours with the most innocent tiny human being my life will ever come in contact with. She, at barely 4lbs managed to show me the world, show me that in life, bad things do happen, but something good does come out of it. I grew up quickly, I've gained more confidence, I've gained more pride, I've gained more love and compassion, I've gained more understanding, and most of all, I've gained trust, trust in people who stood by my side non stop, and were there whenever I needed them, whenever I cried, no matter how early or late it was. I can fully accept that fact that some people love with their heart, without doubt, and mean it when they say it. Not everybody in this world are horrible people, I've learned that what doesn't kill us, only makes us stronger. I've learned about bravery. But, with all this said, and with the strength that I have gained through my experiences, I still dread moving on. Dread moving past this chapter in my life, without Kenzie. I am not ready. And thus, becomes the robotic Danielle, the Danielle that moves along with the pace of life, but doesn't acknoledge what she's facing. What she's feeling...The fact is, I move along side everyone else, feeling happy for them, but really, just pretending to be happy myself. While at the same time ignoring the enourmous void I feel in my life. The emptiness I feel, and will never be able to fill up. Part of me died the day my daughter left this earth. A part of me that I may never regain control of. I move about on this Earth like I have complete control over everything, my life, my feelings and emotions, my beliefs, my values, my goals and my morals. When in fact, I have no control, my heart feels one thing, my brain feels another. And I know, that the only person who has control over their own body is the person themselves, but I just feel like I have no control. What can I believe anymore? I used to strive for perfection, I was never satisfied with a B+, that was a disgrace to myself. But now, the worst feeling in the world, is feeling like I failed my daughter. I did something wrong to cause this for her, to cause her death. I know I didn't do anything wrong, but convincing myself of that thought is near impossible at this stage. And thus, I continue to walk through life, aware that I am able to deal with something challenging, and manage to come out of it with some sort of hope still left. It is so easy to fake a smile, and I feel like that is what my life has come too. Faking the happiness, but at the same time, there are things that still make me happy. I love reading, I can read through chapters and chapters and chapters in the matter of hours, I can finish 400 page books in the matter of days, but this is one chapter in my life, I haven't so easily been able to close. And before I can move on with my life, I need to close it, to be able to move on freely, and remember her at peace and smile at the memories instead of cry. I realize that some days are going to be hard as hell, and I'm not even going to want to get out of bed. And maybe some of those types of days are neccissary. I just wish, I could see the future, or hell, have a better grasp on my own feelings, emotions, and thoughts. It's so hard... So hard... to say Goodbye.
It's been almost a month, since I gave birth to McKenzie. An entire month... and I feel like it flew by insanely fast, and yet, I don't remember any of it. I just remember existing... existing off of what little hope I have left that something truely amazing will happen - existing off the fact I too, will be in Heaven one day, happy, peaceful, safe, unharmed, untouched except the touch of love. We have still yet to bring the throw away camera in to be developed from her birth. Maybe that sounds horrible, but I don't feel the need to see her right now. Her image, her time alive is still so fresh in my brain, that I can still smell her, feel her head on my left arm. I get the chills just thinking about her, marvel over her gorgeous blonde hair that was so perfectly fitting for such an angel. Her alertness, her contentness, her innocence. She had no idea that she was so sick, she never suffered. And when she left, she left strong, stronger then what she was while she lived, stronger then I will ever know how to be. Who would have thought that someone so tiny, so lifeless, had such an amazing power over me, I can't even describe to you that type of feeling. McKenzie died at exactly 3:04 on July 28th. Those 3 numbers, have come to mean the world to me. My Grandpa, my best friend in the entire world passed away on March 4, 2005, coicindently, 3/04. I have managed to hold onto that fact, that my Grandpa was there, welcoming Kenzie. The night before I was induced happened to be one of the longest power outtages we've ever had, happened to also be the night that I missed my Grandpa so badly, I cried for him, I wasn't nervous for the day to come, I was nervous that he wouldn't be there with me, to hold my hand, to hug me, to wipe away my tears when they fell. He proved to me that he was there, taking with him the one thing that would have grown to be my angel regardless of if she had wings or not, and I'm okay with that. I miss her so much, I think about how much she might weigh by now, what color her eyes would be, how fast her gorgeous hair would grow, how tall she would be, if she would be smiling or cooing yet, I miss what I could have, but I try to remember what I did have. I had 2 amazing hours with the most innocent tiny human being my life will ever come in contact with. She, at barely 4lbs managed to show me the world, show me that in life, bad things do happen, but something good does come out of it. I grew up quickly, I've gained more confidence, I've gained more pride, I've gained more love and compassion, I've gained more understanding, and most of all, I've gained trust, trust in people who stood by my side non stop, and were there whenever I needed them, whenever I cried, no matter how early or late it was. I can fully accept that fact that some people love with their heart, without doubt, and mean it when they say it. Not everybody in this world are horrible people, I've learned that what doesn't kill us, only makes us stronger. I've learned about bravery. But, with all this said, and with the strength that I have gained through my experiences, I still dread moving on. Dread moving past this chapter in my life, without Kenzie. I am not ready. And thus, becomes the robotic Danielle, the Danielle that moves along with the pace of life, but doesn't acknoledge what she's facing. What she's feeling...The fact is, I move along side everyone else, feeling happy for them, but really, just pretending to be happy myself. While at the same time ignoring the enourmous void I feel in my life. The emptiness I feel, and will never be able to fill up. Part of me died the day my daughter left this earth. A part of me that I may never regain control of. I move about on this Earth like I have complete control over everything, my life, my feelings and emotions, my beliefs, my values, my goals and my morals. When in fact, I have no control, my heart feels one thing, my brain feels another. And I know, that the only person who has control over their own body is the person themselves, but I just feel like I have no control. What can I believe anymore? I used to strive for perfection, I was never satisfied with a B+, that was a disgrace to myself. But now, the worst feeling in the world, is feeling like I failed my daughter. I did something wrong to cause this for her, to cause her death. I know I didn't do anything wrong, but convincing myself of that thought is near impossible at this stage. And thus, I continue to walk through life, aware that I am able to deal with something challenging, and manage to come out of it with some sort of hope still left. It is so easy to fake a smile, and I feel like that is what my life has come too. Faking the happiness, but at the same time, there are things that still make me happy. I love reading, I can read through chapters and chapters and chapters in the matter of hours, I can finish 400 page books in the matter of days, but this is one chapter in my life, I haven't so easily been able to close. And before I can move on with my life, I need to close it, to be able to move on freely, and remember her at peace and smile at the memories instead of cry. I realize that some days are going to be hard as hell, and I'm not even going to want to get out of bed. And maybe some of those types of days are neccissary. I just wish, I could see the future, or hell, have a better grasp on my own feelings, emotions, and thoughts. It's so hard... So hard... to say Goodbye.