this is not creative writing. this is me.
if you know anything about me at all, you know that i have a fierce lack of communication towards others. i have never felt comfortable with anyone to truely express. it's nothing against anyone, its a personal conscious choice that i'm fully aware that i'm making. so to those who take in offence, i'm sorry. i'm sorry if you feel that because i don't talk to you that it's because i don't trust you or care about what you think or anything of the sort. thats not the point and that's not why i do it. to you journal who i know will not judge me for my choices and will only listen. i can speak to you . to you i can truely let go and maybe inform others of these thoughts instead of me having to do it directly. this is how i feel:
i'm overwhelmed with my work situation. or rather "what work situation?" seeing as though i no longer have one. any college student can tell you that having their own place along with the responsibility of bills and such can mount up to be fairly overwhelming.
i've never admitted this but i'm scared. i'm scared at the thought of going through school and getting myself into some sort of major/career choice that i wouldn't be happy with. Therefore explains my general studies classes i'm taking. i'm scared about a lot of things. mostly the thought of not being organized. some people have it so easy you know!? some people in my eyes (not that i have any room to judge) make bad choices and still...things come so easy to them. not me. i have to work for eveything i have. and that's ok. i'm used to it so i don't mind it.
i've just now realized the amount of love a certain person has towards me. it feels like i'm always the one loving people. i don't expect anything in return by any means. i guess it's just different when you actually see it in writing. its like a sealed contract of their love. i see it. i believe it. its incredible to think that someone can care so much about you. i feel like i don't deserve it. i don't deserve to have such an incredible person love me for me. i'm not that special. i'm nice and kind but i'm nothing. i secretly wish i was like her. i want to be as strong as you. i want us to be best friends like we were when we were little. i'm sitting here crying because of the realization of how much you mean to me. you are my best friend and you are my sister. others need to know you. you are the epitomy of every value and good nature that anyone would ever need to have. i'm sorry for the things i do. i can say i love you and mean it with my heart entirely. if i never know what its like to love someone, i know this and i know you.
i know i shouldn't care but i can't help it. i know we won't work. i'm aware that we are not compatible in any means but i can't help how i feel. i tell others i don't care. i tell myself over and over that i shouldn't care and that i don't. i try to convince how i feel that i should feel otherwise. i can't anymore. i know none of you agree with me about this. but its not even about me anymore. its this thing inside telling heart how to feel. its not even my brain anymore. my brain can't even make sense anymore. it's happened over and over multiple times and i know whats happened everytime. i know we've tried and let it go. its ok to let go. it's not easy and sometimes i wish i'd never met you. i just want to let you go but my heart tells me othersiwe. this is so emo. i need to express. i need someone to know. i need to tell myself. why do you have to be so different from anyone i've ever met? why do you love to read....? why did i ever let you read to me? i should've never kept it going. i knew. i knew this was coming. i know you think i'm different and i know i've impacted you in some way. i need to stop running into you because when i do everything comes back and that's the last thing i need. why do you have to try to get over me by trying to see someone else? is that even what you're doing? do you even care? you're never going to read this. i'd never let you. this is mostly for myself. i think about you everyday. i can sense that you're lost. you're just a little boy. i have the mentality of an old lady. i shouldn't care this much. you don't deserve it. i'll probably see you tomorrow morning. but you'll probably leave to read your book.
i don't want to talk anymore.