(no subject)
I'm feeling somewhat introspective at the moment.
That's wrong.
I always feel introspective, except when I don't.
Right now I feel like being introspective out loud, so that's what I'm gonna do.
I was recently accused of not posting anything meaningful in my journal.
I suppose that's a fair accusation. I don't feel like I can always put my thoughts here anymore. Other times I don't seem to be able to put my thoughts down at all.
I was recently asked to try and say all of my thoughts out loud in a steady stream without edits.
Can't do it.
I remember a point in my life when my thoughts were a relatively linear progression. I'd think in complete sentences, or at least complete phrases and usually progress from one thought to the next.
Now it's more like a cloud. There are words and phrases, but they tend to repeat themselves and often they happen out of order. Often times things don't form any kind of coherency until they're out on the page, or out of my mouth.
It's weird though. As I'm typing this, these things are popping out in order, in a way that can be read, without a real effort on my part to organize them ahead of time. I have a vague idea... like in writing the last sentence, I paused and tried to think of the word "effort" but the rest came out unbidden. I just did the same thing with the word "unbidden." The rest seems to run on autopilot.
I've noticed that my typing seems to have changed. I'm typing with a more bouncy gate than I usually use. I don't know if this is a good thing. It could be that I'm reaching a state where I'm thinking in greater abstracts, and less distracted by my personal narrative, by that pesky voice in your head that keeps you awake at night. I do often sleep better these days, unless I have something specific to fret upon. The random obsessive sleep-less-ness seems to be a thing of the past.
On the other hand, my thoughts are difficult to get out on the page at all sometimes. I can write freely like this, but any attempt at organized writing just results in a blank page and frustration and me checking websites and hulu or netflix or wandering around my apartment, or cleaning or doing anything to create stillness, and nothing that is actually writing things down.
I keep trying to write, passionately, from the gonads, and have this fantasy that if I can get in touch with that, if I can find that freedom and energy, I'll be a fantastic writer. But I can't. So maybe I'm not much of a writer.
I have to find some way to break through. Some way to get out of this part-time nowhere madness and start living like a human being.
I've been seeing a girl for about a month and a half now.
I like her. A lot.
I can't place exactly why, though. I find this somewhat vexing.
I've had this experience before. I really liked someone a lot when I first met them, and first started dating, and then after a while there proved to be not much there.
Maybe this is just some light relationship that only exists for a while, to provide comfort and fun. I like spending time with her. But she doesn't really challenge me a whole lot.
But I also feel like there's a lot more to her that I'm just not getting to see. She's closed off a lot. She's not much for open communication. She doesn't much like talking about sex outside of abstract, and she doesn't much like sharing her thoughts. She's troubled sometimes and won't tell me why. My current strategy is to wait. To be stable and to be available. To listen when the opportunity arises.
This is hard for me, because I'm insatiably curious and hate not knowing things. I'm trying to rein it in. I've had marginal success.
I don't think I do light relationships very well.
They seem to be the only ones I can successfully find these days. I guess I just pick the wrong ones to devote myself to.
I do like her a lot though. She sleeps pretty much forever, and as I have in the past couple years started to become something of a grown-up, I usually wake up around 10:30. Occasionally, when she sleeps over at my place, this results in a couple hours of me watching something on netflix while she curls up on top of me, in the morning.
Pure bliss.
Simple things, right?
Getting tired. I have more to say, but my eye-lids get heavy. Maybe I'll continue this tomorrow. Probably not.
That's wrong.
I always feel introspective, except when I don't.
Right now I feel like being introspective out loud, so that's what I'm gonna do.
I was recently accused of not posting anything meaningful in my journal.
I suppose that's a fair accusation. I don't feel like I can always put my thoughts here anymore. Other times I don't seem to be able to put my thoughts down at all.
I was recently asked to try and say all of my thoughts out loud in a steady stream without edits.
Can't do it.
I remember a point in my life when my thoughts were a relatively linear progression. I'd think in complete sentences, or at least complete phrases and usually progress from one thought to the next.
Now it's more like a cloud. There are words and phrases, but they tend to repeat themselves and often they happen out of order. Often times things don't form any kind of coherency until they're out on the page, or out of my mouth.
It's weird though. As I'm typing this, these things are popping out in order, in a way that can be read, without a real effort on my part to organize them ahead of time. I have a vague idea... like in writing the last sentence, I paused and tried to think of the word "effort" but the rest came out unbidden. I just did the same thing with the word "unbidden." The rest seems to run on autopilot.
I've noticed that my typing seems to have changed. I'm typing with a more bouncy gate than I usually use. I don't know if this is a good thing. It could be that I'm reaching a state where I'm thinking in greater abstracts, and less distracted by my personal narrative, by that pesky voice in your head that keeps you awake at night. I do often sleep better these days, unless I have something specific to fret upon. The random obsessive sleep-less-ness seems to be a thing of the past.
On the other hand, my thoughts are difficult to get out on the page at all sometimes. I can write freely like this, but any attempt at organized writing just results in a blank page and frustration and me checking websites and hulu or netflix or wandering around my apartment, or cleaning or doing anything to create stillness, and nothing that is actually writing things down.
I keep trying to write, passionately, from the gonads, and have this fantasy that if I can get in touch with that, if I can find that freedom and energy, I'll be a fantastic writer. But I can't. So maybe I'm not much of a writer.
I have to find some way to break through. Some way to get out of this part-time nowhere madness and start living like a human being.
I've been seeing a girl for about a month and a half now.
I like her. A lot.
I can't place exactly why, though. I find this somewhat vexing.
I've had this experience before. I really liked someone a lot when I first met them, and first started dating, and then after a while there proved to be not much there.
Maybe this is just some light relationship that only exists for a while, to provide comfort and fun. I like spending time with her. But she doesn't really challenge me a whole lot.
But I also feel like there's a lot more to her that I'm just not getting to see. She's closed off a lot. She's not much for open communication. She doesn't much like talking about sex outside of abstract, and she doesn't much like sharing her thoughts. She's troubled sometimes and won't tell me why. My current strategy is to wait. To be stable and to be available. To listen when the opportunity arises.
This is hard for me, because I'm insatiably curious and hate not knowing things. I'm trying to rein it in. I've had marginal success.
I don't think I do light relationships very well.
They seem to be the only ones I can successfully find these days. I guess I just pick the wrong ones to devote myself to.
I do like her a lot though. She sleeps pretty much forever, and as I have in the past couple years started to become something of a grown-up, I usually wake up around 10:30. Occasionally, when she sleeps over at my place, this results in a couple hours of me watching something on netflix while she curls up on top of me, in the morning.
Pure bliss.
Simple things, right?
Getting tired. I have more to say, but my eye-lids get heavy. Maybe I'll continue this tomorrow. Probably not.