Kagefumi (15/29)
Title: Kagefumi
Author: Fabi & Dani (dani_mathoz )
Translator: br_arashi Thank you ♥
Pairing: Ohmiya (main), Aiba x ? (mentioned)
Genre: Romance and Angst
Rating: NC-17
Summary: 'Two lonely and suffered hearts look in the shadows of an agitated city, the light that can free them from the darkness in which they live'
Disclaimer: I don't own them, sadly ;-;
Just a reminder, English is not our first language please be kind ♥
CHAPTER 15
“Nothing but mysterious things
I don't know what to believe anymore
If you're lost, stay by my side
Seeing this scenery for the first time, uncertainty was born in your heart
Rather than just staying doubtful, try walking forward
To the past, the future ... the present
Rather than hearing the truth that only hurts, telling me lies is fine
I'll carefully hide it away in my heart”
Tokei Jikake no Umbrella
As soon as Nino left the station, a while before midnight, he put his hands inside his pockets and rushed towards his destination. He sighed, wondering how life could be unpredictable.
He had always liked to walk at night, without a route and with no rush, watching and absorbing the lights of the several neon lights that decorated the town. Most of all, he liked to follow the shadows they would create at his every step that would take him somewhere.
It didn’t matter where he would go, after all.
First, because he didn’t really have a home to return to. If it wasn’t for Niji - the only thing that made him feel useful in this world - he could stay days without showing up in the small apartment where he lived, just a shelter for his lonely days.
However, in the last months, his behavior had changed. Nothing planned, it just happened naturally. Suddenly, in one of those nights when he was going back home late, he noticed his fast and anxious steps. He realized, for his astonishment, that he was barely paying attention to the neon lights around him, neither to the shadows they were creating on the pavement.
He just wanted to get home as soon as he could, anticipating the spontaneous smile and the welcoming words he would receive as soon as he crossed the door.
He smiled, a cozy warmth enveloping him in the cold night. The same warmth that came from Ohno’s body when he embraced him tenderly. His chest burned in longing and he rushed his steps. He wanted to get home soon and have the indescribable feeling to have someone to go back to.
While walking he thought about how much his life had changed in the three months he has been living with Satoshi. Sometimes, he caught himself making plans for the future. All involving a couple’s life. He could be acting like a fool, most likely, his current happiness would be brief, but… dreaming was free.
For starters, he searched for a job. He didn’t want to live of his boyfriend’s earnings. Even if he had never charged him anything, he wanted to share the expenses of the house; he wanted to be in that relationship as an equal.
He found a position as a Kitchen Helper a few days later. The job was tiresome, but he couldn’t complain. Even if it had nothing to do with music, his real passion, his job reminded him of the happy time when his father would take him to work and explain the properties of each fruit, vegetable, grain or meat he used in the order preparation.
The only inconvenient was probably the time. He was working from 5 p.m. to midnight, loading the commodities, doing the cleaning, washing the dishes, peeling the vegetables and, sometimes, depending on the restaurant movement, attending at the starving clients. He still didn’t have permission to assist in the food preparation, but, for the moment, that didn’t matter. It was a fresh start and he was thankful for this.
Gradually, he was retaking control of his life, even if he still had an internal battle to win. And this opponent, no matter how much he fought against, was still stronger than him.
For several times, he considered searching for help. However, that would mean letting Satoshi know about his weakness. He still wasn’t ready, though, to give up on what he was living beside the cop.
He liked himself when he was beside him. He liked the way he had started smiling again at the tiniest things, of how he started to wait for the morning to come, to start a brand new day. He liked the way he felt desired every time his boyfriend made love to him or simply faced him, showing all the tenderness and care as if he was something precious to be protected.
He stopped all of a sudden, watching his image reflected on a glass window. The Ninomiya Kazunari he saw there, full of hope and will to move on, had no resemblance to the fragment of man he was before meeting Satoshi.
How could he give up on that?
He bowed slightly towards his reflection, as if greeting someone he was seeing again after a long separation. Someone that, in an almost remote past, used to believe he was entitled to happiness.
And it was thinking about his happiness he arrived home.
As soon as he opened the door, he noticed a different scenery than he was used to, in almost a month since he had started working. The lights of the living room were on, but there was no one there to greet him.
He found Satoshi in bed, his body curled around the pillow he used to sleep. He smiled affectionately at that sight, unable to deny how in love he was with that man.
He wondered when that happened.
Maybe he had fell in love at first sight, when he noticed him so absorbed in the song playing at the club. Maybe, when he saw him sleeping peacefully after having possessed him desperately in that very night. Maybe, when he saw him again at the disco store. It could have been when he gave him the melon bread, after questioning him at the police station, worried that he could be hungry. Maybe even when he rescued him, like a knight in shining armor, from his confront with his stepfather and, without hesitation, even unaware of who he actually was, offered him his house, asking for nothing in return.
Nonetheless, he most likely had fallen in love when he looked into those grieving eyes the first time and felt that, in a silent and shy way, they were asking for his help. He noticed then that, no matter what, he wanted to hug the person behind them and protect him from whatever could be causing him so much pain.
Certainly, because he had always wished the same for himself.
It took him just a few minutes to prepare himself to sleep and get into bed, cuddling his boyfriend from behind. He didn’t move an inch. He was probably very tired, since it was rare for him not to be awake when he got home, even if, for several times, he had insisted with him to go to bed earlier.
He kissed his shoulder over the white t-shirt he was wearing and it didn’t take him long for him to fall asleep.
************************
At first sight, the warehouse seemed unsuspicious, even if located in an isolated spot inside the harbor. Even so, Satoshi remained alert. His mind trying to imagine a silent approach while wondering why the captain had not asked reinforcement to the area.
- Wait for me here, Satoshi.
- But, dad...
- It’s an order! - the older man said, in a severe tone. - It’s probably just a prank - he softened, in face of his worried look. - I’m going to check it first and, if I need help, I’ll call you, ok? For now, stay alert.
Satoshi considered insisting going with him, but he ended up just nodding. He couldn’t contradict a straight order of his captain. Therefore, he just waited as he was commanded.
However, more than twenty minutes had passed since the oldest man was inside without any information and he couldn’t help wondering.
He took a deep breath before acting and, even disobeying his superior, he entered the warehouse.
The place was probably some kind of deposit to accommodate the tools used in the embarkations’ maintenance. Even with the poor lightening, he could see many containers spread all over the place, as well as several metal plaques, pipes and tools.
Refining his ears, he tried to understand the babbling afar. He recognized the captain’s voice, even if, because of the distance, he couldn’t grasp anything he was saying. The other voice wasn't similar to nothing he had ever heard before.
He got closer, carefully, his steps slow and silent. Nonetheless, betrayed by the darkness of the place, he tripped over some pipes on the floor.
Swearing and blaming himself for his indiscretion, he hid himself behind a container. He should have obeyed the orders to wait, instead of risking the operation, trying to settle it by himself.
Without a way out, he took his gun out of the holster and pointed at random. He couldn’t remember pulling the trigger, but he heard the characteristic sound of the shot and the deafening sound of a body falling on the floor.
He got closer, carefully, his body shivering and having a bad feeling.
- Satoshi… - the voice he knew so well called him, in agony.
- Tou-chan! - he yelled, kneeling desperately towards the captain’s body, which he recognized in spite of the darkness.
- Satoshi!
His father’s weak voice suddenly became intense and desperate, but it wasn’t from his closed mouth that it was coming out.
- Satoshi! Please, look at me!
- Oh-chan...
The new voice, a tone lower, but not less apprehensive and a comforting touch on his hand sounded as a click at his head. A strong light invaded the warehouse and the inert face of his father was replaced by the beautiful but worried face of his best friend.
- Sho… - he managed to say before a pungent pain invaded his chest, making his body contort, short of air.
- Breathe, Satoshi.
- I… can… not…
- Yes, you can. Just repeat after me, ok?
Sho inhaled deep and slowly. Then, he let the air out of his mouth. He started counting as soon as he saw his friend following his moves.
- That’s right… slowly… You’re doing pretty well, Satoshi - he encouraged him with a smile and a firm grip on his shoulders.
The cop closed his eyes and repeated the procedure for a few minutes. Slowly, he started to feel his muscles relaxing, the pain vanishing and his breathe becoming steady. He held the hand that was holding his, in order to calm its owner, but didn’t dare looking at him, as soon as he had the courage to open his eyes again.
- Are you feeling better now?
- Thank you, Sho-chan.
The therapist smiled in relief, before giving him a tight hug.
- How did you end up here? - he asked, over his sloppy shoulders.
- Ninomiya called me.
Only after the mention of the name, Satoshi finally turned to his boyfriend.
- Thanks.
- I… didn’t know what to do… You let me worried, Oh-chan… - he said, in a shaken and unsure voice.
- I’m so sorry - Satoshi said, guilty by his pale expression, his teary and frightened eyes. - I should have told you.
- Are you okay now? - Nino asked, concerned, caressing his face with the back of his hand.
- I am. I’m sorry if I scared you.
- I just… didn’t know what else to do… You had an agitated sleep. I tried to wake you up and, when I managed to do it, you were screaming and crying desperately. I called you name, but you didn’t answer. It was as if I wasn’t here… - he told him, maybe trying to justify himself. - Then, all of a sudden, you stopped screaming and just stayed still, your eyes lost and no expression on your face.
- He entered a catatonic state - explained Sho.
- I wanted to help you, but I didn’t know how. At first, I thought about calling an ambulance, but then I remembered that Sakurai-san is a therapist and your best friend. So I thought he could tell me what to do…
- You did well, Ninomiya-kun - Sho smiled at him. His expression changed, however, when he turned his attention to Satoshi. - I want to see you in my office, tomorrow.
His severe look and serious tone left no place for denial. Therefore, he just nodded.
- Well… now that everything is fine, I’m going home. You two have a very important issue to discuss.
He stood up and walked towards the exit.
- Sakurai-san... - Nino reached him at the door.
- Don’t worry - the therapist comforted him. - Satoshi will be fine. He had a panic attack, caused by the nightmare. They used to be much more frequent before, but they have been decreasing now. Actually, it had been a while since he had any. I believe it has a lot to do with you.
- With me?
- Your presence in his life… He’s much calmer and happier since he met you. I believe that, beside you, he will finally overcome the traumas he has. Thank you for being beside him, Ninomiya.
- You don’t have to thank me for this. I’m just repaying him for all he offers me, how much he makes me be a better person. Your friend is very important to me and I like him a lot, Sakurai-san.
Sho smiled, sincerely.
- I have no doubts…
Nino was smiling as well when he closed the door. For the first time, he felt Sakurai's approval to his relationship with Satoshi. Not that he had ever showed any sign of disliking his connection to his friend. When they had dinner together, a month ago, he had been friendly and kind. But… the way he looked at him a few seconds ago, showed he trusted him. Maybe, with time, they two could become best friends.
He went back to the bedroom with a glass of water and offered it to his boyfriend, who was waiting for him in bed. He had changed his sweaty t-shirt for a dry one.
- Thank you - he said, picking up and drinking it all at once.
Nino placed the empty glass over the bedside table and turned to the switch to turn off the light, but he didn’t have the time to do so.
- My father was the reason why I decided to be a cop - Satoshi started, inviting him to join him in bed.
As asked, Nino sat beside him and took one of his hands, squeezing it in encouragement.
- He has always been my idol. We were very attached to each other. I was always running after him through the house and, whenever he had a day off, he would always take me fishing, just the two of us - he made a pause and smiled at the memory. - I wanted to be exactly like him when I grew up, including his career.
For a few seconds, Nino’s memories with his father came back, melancholically. He was perfectly aware of what Satoshi was saying, the feeling behind that kind of relationship. To him, his father had always been an idol, as well.
- Therefore, I studied hard to enter the Police Academy. My ambition was to become a captain as respected as he was. I worked hard to get into the same division and to be a part of his team.
At that point, Satoshi couldn’t avoid the tears.
- In the day he died, we were together in an ambush, following the clue about a gang that was selling drugs at nightclubs. We were talking about a kid he wanted me to meet, a young transgressor who he was advising. Tou-chan really liked him, he was always talking about their talks and about how smart he was, even if he seemed a tad lost. He believed the boy would have a great future if only he managed to get out of the rowdy life he had. When he was telling me I could be a good influence to the kid, his cellphone started to ring.
Nino adjusted his pillow behind his back and, then, intertwined his fingers to his boyfriend’s again, encouraging him to proceed.
- He turned on the car and we went to the harbor without asking for reinforcement. I thought it was weird, but I didn’t say a thing. However… I don’t remember much after that. I have only a clear memory of the sound of the shot echoing around the warehouse and the sight of my father fallen on the floor, calling out my name… After that, I just remember waking up a later, on a hospital bed of the psychiatric wing. Since then, I’ve started having nightmares about his death… and after them, the panic and anxiety attacks…
- I’m so sorry, Oh-chan…
Satoshi tightened his grip around his boyfriend’s fingers.
- I stayed in a sick leave for a while, treating myself, until I was released. I have to return periodically to the psychiatrist and to the therapist. However, the nightmares keep coming and, when they happen; I lose control of the situation…
- You should have told me. I could have been prepared for your crisis…
- I know, I’m sorry. But, the crisis lessened, especially after you came to live with me. I thought I could have been cured. I’m sorry, Nino… I was so afraid that you could think of me as abnormal. That you would want to get away from me…
The kitchen helper caressed the anxious face of his boyfriend.
- Did you really think I would leave you for something like this? - he asked, a bit disappointed. - Quite the opposite, Oh-chan… I always wondered what kind of pain you were concealing behind these sad eyes. I want to help you overcome it. Please, don’t push me away from your problems…
- Thanks for understanding me.
- Thanks for telling me.
Satoshi placed his head on the younger’s lap. He sighed with the cozy feeling of his fingers caressing his hair. He hugged him tightly, letting himself being pampered.
Nino kissed his forehead kindly, a new feeling hammering inside his chest. Apart from Niji, he had never had anyone depending on his protection like that. He liked that feeling.
Nevertheless, a shadow of insecurity hovered over his conscience, at the thought that moments like that could be ephemeral. He had no intention to leave Satoshi, but maybe his boyfriend would be the one to leave him when he found out he wasn’t worthy to be beside him.
******************************************
Aiba felt his heart racing, as soon as he stared at the foreign words in the lightened sign over the entrance of the building. The constant babbling of the other people waiting their time to enter the “Sound Museum Vision” and the fact that he was about to see once again the person he has been avoiding for more than a month, let him even more hesitating.
Maybe he should go back home, following his original plan to refuse Jun’s invitation when he sent him the tickets for the acoustic concert that would result in the DVD recording of his new band’s debut.
- I’m sorry, Jun… I’ll be on duty this night - he had said, without even consulting his schedule. Talking with his ex-boyfriend, quick and randomly, on the phone was quite different than seeing him personally.
However, he didn’t even blink before using his job as an excuse to refuse the invitation, even noticing the disappointment in his voice, when he said he understood.
He spent the last two weeks convinced that it still wasn’t the right moment for them to have a physical reunion. Nonetheless, in the last minute, his convictions were sent to hell, when he found himself inside the subway, heading to Shibuya.
When he was in front of the nightclub, his insecurities dominated him once more. Yes, maybe he should go back home, he repeated in his thoughts.
However, he was so close of Jun that the idea of receding now sounded too convenient. It would be too easy for him to turn his back on the musician and postpone the moment of the confrontation, running away from his own insecurities.
It wasn’t time to act like a coward.
He didn't act that way when he had to give up on their relationship, two years ago, in his attempt to recover the person with whom he had fallen in love. He shouldn’t act like that when it was time to confirm if his sacrifice had been worth it.
He sighed and took his place in the line. His hand was shivering slightly when he showed his tickets at the door, but his steps were steady when he entered the hall, walking to the place indicated by the staff. The place was already crowded, covered by colorful lights. In spite of the simple presentation, it became clear the attention to every detail, from the decoration of the stage until the audience’s comfort, which was very typical of Jun.
Thinking about him, he imagined him at the backstage, running everywhere in order to check the last minute details of the concert. His mind traveled in time, to a place not as popular as that one, but not less important.
- Hey, Jun, why don’t you relax for a bit? - he asked, worried, tired of watching his boyfriend restless, walking from one side to another of the dressing room, rubbing his hands against one another.
- I can’t relax, Masaki. It’s our first concert… what if something goes wrong?
- Nothing will go wrong - he comforted him, holding the guitar player’s hands. - You’ve checked everything a thousand times and you’ve rehearsed so much! It can’t go wrong.
- Do you think so? - his anxious eyes reminded him of a child, waiting for a long waited present.
- I’m sure of it. Your greatest dream is about to come true. Success waits for you, Jun.
The musician smiled.
- Success isn’t my greatest dream, Masaki. This one I have already fulfilled when you accepted to live with me.
- Jun… - he started, embarrassed.
- I love you so much… - the musician interrupted him, his hand caressing his shaken face. - No success will ever make sense to me if you are not by my side.
- Ten minutes! - a member of the staff announced. - Please, to your places.
- It’s time… - Masaki hugged his boyfriend tightly. - I’ll be in the audience, watching your performance as your number one fan. I know you will rock it, baby.
Jun’s eyes sparkled, thrilled by those words.
- Are you ready, Raiden? - asked one of his band fellows that passed by him, petting his shoulder in a friendly way.
- Our time has come, guys! - yelled another one, excited.
Aiba felt his boyfriend’s hands shivering slightly between his.
- Good luck, Jun! Not that you’re going to need any - he said, turning on his heels towards the exit.
- Masaki! - he called him, holding his hand.
He barely registered the intention behind the call before having Jun’s lips against his.
- I love you - he said, finally releasing him to join the other members on stage.
Masaki felt his chest stinging with the memory, lost in a turmoil of feelings. That concert had been the beginning of Jun’s success, but also the beginning of the end of their relationship.
He searched for a discreet place among the crowd, not so far from the stage. Although it would be hard for him to be noticed among so many fans, he didn’t want his ex-boyfriend to know he was there. At least, not during the performance.
Less than twenty minutes later, a member of the staff went to the stage, explaining how the concert would work and some behaviors expected from them, in order not to compromise the DVD recording. Soon after, the MC of the club introduced the band.
He felt short of air as soon as he heard the first accord of the guitar, even before the members showed up on stage. The voice of the vocalist followed to the intro, tuned and shrilly, making the audience shout, euphoric.
Just then, one by one, starting by the drummer, the members started entering the stage, their instruments in harmony during the performance of their work music. Masaki still couldn’t prevent his heart from racing as soon as the guitar player appeared, beautiful and imposing as always.
He was beaming! It had been a long time since he saw him so enthusiastic on a stage, as if he had recovered his essence, his will to make music. So different from his last performances with his former band, mechanic and void of any feelings.
- Good night, Shibuya! - the vocalist yelled at the end of the presentation of their first music. - Thank you for coming to the recording of our first DVD. We are the Cosmos and we want you to have fun with us in this special night!
Then, they started the concert, playing the album tracks. Once in a while the vocalist interacted with the audience, telling the stories behind the songs, how they were composed and the inspiration behind them.
At a certain point of the concert, Jun took the microphone. The audience yelled, excited, as if they had waiting that moment from the start.
After all, most of the people there were fans of Raiden and were there for him, giving a chance to his new band, whose members were, so far, unknown to the public.
Masaki shivered at the sound of the voice he heard so many times whispering in his ears, greeting the audience.
- Thank you all for coming tonight. This is a very important concert for me. As you all know, I’ve been through a hard path. Not only regarding my career, but also in my personal life. I wouldn’t be back on a stage if it wasn’t for the support of these guys - he pointed to the other members with his head - who accepted to venture in this new project with me. Neither I would be able to accomplish it without the unconditional support of all of you, who remained following me in spite of all the rumors and questionings involving my name in the last two years. For not giving up on me, thank you - he bowed, shaken.
When he stared back at his fans, his eyes were teary.
- In return for this support, I need you to know that a great part of those rumors were true - he assumed, sincerely. - I’ve followed the wrong path and I had to stay away for a while in search for a treatment. It wasn’t easy… - in that point, his voice, steady so far, started to faulter. - Restarting is never easy, much more when you lose so much in the process. I’ve lost a successful career, friends, fans and the person I loved the most in my life and who I still love with all my strength…
In that moment, his eyes stopped at a spot in the audience and Masaki knew they were looking straight at him. Since when had Jun realized his presence there?
- The next song is my way of telling that this person is still the most important thing in my life. Even if physically absent, it’s the memory of that smile that gave me strength to overcome all the obstacles and to start anew. It’s also an apology to everyone who I’ve disappointed somehow. Please, keep supporting me.
The audience applauded thrilled by those words, at the same time shouting words of motivation. Raiden sat on a chair at the center of the stage and adjusted his headset.
- “Smile again” - he announced the title of the song, seconds before making his guitar pick slide by the strings.
As soon as he began to sing, Aiba felt his legs losing its strength and tears falling, merciless. All that time, he had been immersed in his own pain, trying to overcome their break up. But what about Jun? Even though he had been following him secretly, from his admission until his discharge from the clinic, he had no idea how much harder it might had been for him. How painful had been for him to overcome his addiction? Who had been beside him when he needed the most?
A sharp pain hammered inside his heart and he suddenly felt short of air. How much time had they lost, how many moments had they wasted? Watching him there, strong and healthy, being honest with his public, filled him with pride. However… at what cost? He lowered his eyes, unable to face the penetrating look of the musician over him, while singing.
He still wasn’t ready to smile again, as he was asking him.
Whispering “I’m sorry”, even knowing he wouldn’t be able to hear him and forcing his way through the crowd, he arrived at the exit almost fifteen minutes later. Stunned, he didn’t even noticed the direction he followed as soon as he hit the street.
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Note: Minna Hello! So a new chapter now explain a bit more of Satoshi past, piece by piece the puzzle of their lifes will be complete xD And now about Jun, first of all I want to say Fabi and me are really happy with the reaction well at least in comments we did receive (Thank you so much once again ♥). So from now on will be explained more about what happened to them and why did they breack up, so please stay with us ♥
Comments are ♥
Lyrics Credits to yarukizero@Lj