[round robin fic] A League of Nations
I am going to post the beginning of a League of Nations adventure. I am inviting you guys to pick up and add parts to the story using the character list we made on facebook. If there is a character you would like to add that's not on the list, just make a mention of it. If you want to do this, MENTION you are writing the next part, so that we can get some kind of order going. I'll edit this post to make a list of who is going.
It was a typical, average day. It was a typical, average town.
“Halt there, evil doer! No one can escape from Captain America and his superfluous sidekick, The Boy Russia!”
A man dressed in a red, white, and blue jumpsuit jumped from one rooftop to the next. He was followed by a taller man, whose long scarf trailed behind him as he leapt after the other. “I am surprised Captain America knows that word, but I don’t think you’re using it right.”
“Not now Boy Russia! The nefarious Maple Leaf is getting away with the maple syrup that was supposed to go the orphanage!”
Okay. Typical may not be the best word.
“First it was the Tea Pot swindling the tea that was supposed to be for Bingo Night at the church, and now this? It seems something strange is going on, da?”
The spandexed crusader nodded in thought as he came to a stop, ignoring his nemesis as he somehow managed to ice skate away on the sidewalk below. It didn’t seem to matter that it was the middle of summer and he was carrying a large case of sticky, sugary goodness under one arm. “Yes! You’re right Boy Russia! It’s almost as if the Commonwealth of Evil is planning a breakfast…of DOOM!”
The hapless sidekick sighed. “That doesn’t even begin to make sense…”
Certainly nothing average about any of this.
With a swish of a star-bangled cape, Captain America turned, jumping down to the Freedomobile. “Onwards! To the League of Nations! We must hatch this egg before it’s overeasy!”
The pitiable Boy Russia jumped down, climbing into the side hatch of vehicle. “I prefer them poached, personally.”
Meanwhile, back at the League of Nations…
The Yellow Apron hurried into the meeting room. “Captain America just reported! The Commonwealth of Evil has struck again! This time they took maple syrup from an orphanage!”
Doujinshi Boy looked from the latest yaoi doujin of Captain America and the Boy Russia he was drawing. “Not the orphanage! We must put a stop to their breakfast pilfering!”
“You’re right!” The doors slammed open as Captain America burst into the room, followed shortly thereafter by the ever put upon Boy Russia, who was wondering (not for the first time) how he got roped into his situation. “But first, we must find out what their overall plan is!”
“BWAHAHA! I bet you would love to know that, wouldn’t you old chap?” The League of Nations Justice Screen turned itself on, revealing a top hatted silhouette.
All the present members of the League of Nations gasped.
“The Tea Pot!” Captain America approached the screen. “Don’t think you’ll get away with this!”
“Ah, you daft bloke. I already have, and there’s not a thing you can do about it!” The Tea Pot moved closer, out of the shadows he had been hiding in to reveal his large browed visage. “We’re having a jolly happy time with our tea and the pancakes that the Frying Pan was kind enough to make for us. You could have had some, too. It’s a shame you felt the need to leave the Commonwealth. You always were my favorite minion…”
Captain America slammed his fist down on the table. “We’ll find you and put an end to your evil ways! The next breakfast you’ll be eating will be behind bars!”
“HA HA” The Tea Pot chuckled villainously, “I’d like to see you try.” His horribly British and disfigured smile sneered. A cup and saucer appeared from the right of the screen, presented to The Tea Pot from red gloves with tiny maple leaves on the cuffs. “Ah thank you lad.” The wicked and devious Tea Pot smiled to the character off screen and took a sip of his steaming beverage of EVIL!
The maniacal villain sighed, “Earl Grey, always delicious. Why don’t you go set the breakfast table?”
“Maple.”
“Well then! Try and stop us if you can foolish League of Nations! Ha ha ha HA HA!!!” And then the camera cut.
The Frying Pan clapped from behind the camera. “That’s a wrap everybody. Good job Tea Pot. You’ve been working on your evil laugh.”
The Tea Pot smiled, “Yes I think it’s more fear-striking now don’t you?”
“Oh yes, for sure.” She smiled, as everyone headed to the breakfast table.
The Commonwealth of Evil and associates sat down, and started filling up their plates. Much evil nom-ing occurred and the League of Nations was helpless to stop it. They tore into pancakes drenched in orphans’ syrup, and drank tea stolen from bingo-loving elders all conversing cordially while the committed DIABOLIC acts of EVIL!
It was a delicious meal of STOLEN DELICIOUSNESS. But it was missing something… Something… white and yolky. Something to provide them protein to build maniacal muscles to perform more horrendous acts of VILLIANY! But what?
“You know what would be good? Some eggs.” Said The Molester.
The Commonwealth of Evil and Associates were in agreement. They diffidently needed some eggs, maybe a little bacon too.
“STOP RIGHT THERE!” The doors of the Lair of EVIL! (version 4.5) burst open and standing there was-
“Gilbert. What do you want?” The Frying Pan sighed, standing up and taking out her frying pan of DOOM.
“Wait! Wait!!! Hold up!” He backed away hands protecting his delicate face from the Frying Pans non-stick pan of DOOM.
“Wait Frying Pan. Let’s hear what he has to say.” The Music Meister dabbed a bit of syrup from his lips and The Frying Pan delayed her hot rage of EVIL.
Gilbert The Awesome Five Meter Bird Man grinned, “You guys want eggs with your breakfast, right? Well I know just where to get them. I could even get them for you.”
“And why would we care? You’re not even a villain.” The Frying Pan crossed her arms, pan still in hand.
“Yeah but if I get you your eggs, then you have to acknowledge how awesome I am and let me into your club.” He grinned.
The Commonwealth of Evil and Associates looked at each other, reaching a silent consensus. “Alright Gilbert-“
“My name is The Awesome Five Meter Bird Man. But you can call me Mr. Awesome if you’re not awesome enough to remember all that.”
“Fine. Mr. Awesome, if you can get us these eggs we’ll consider letting you into the Commonwealth of Evil and Associates.” The Tea Pot sipped his evil beverage of wickedness.
“AWESOME! I’ll be back in no time.” Mr. Awesome ran out of the Lair of Evil (version 4.5).
The Tea Pot turned to his fellow super villains. "Frying Pan, Music Meister, follow him. Make sure he does not compromise our plans. And somebody go obtain some bacon. We will need it to go with our eggs, after all."
The Frying Pan and Music Meister stood to do that, going to find the Strudelvagen and be on their way.
"I can do that~~" Mr. Molester jumped from his seat, pulling a cellular phone out from a location that had never been determined. After all, that suit was so tight, you would think you could tell where he was keeping it.
He ran into the hall, leaving the door open behind him so everybody inside could hear his conversation.
"Hello? Little Lovino? Don't hang up on--" Silence for a moment, then...
"Ah, Pasta Hood? Yes, it's Mr. Molester. Yes, we did steal all the maple syrup earlier. No. Yes. Yes we need some help with something. We need bacon, because we'll be making some eggs next. Yes, that's exactly what we need. You'll get it? Wonderful! I'll leave the door unlocked for you~"
Mr. Molester came skipping back in. "We'll have bacon soon enough, and somebody to cook it for us too."
"Fool!" The Tea Pot pointed at him dramatically. "They are called the Double Crossers for a reason! If they lead the League of Nations to foil our plans, it is coming out of your paycheck."
Mr. Molester gasped dramatically. And then decided it didn't really matter because deep in his corrupted heart he knew that they would be found by the hand of justice eventually.
“Where is this moron taking us?!” cried The Frying Pan, shaking her nonstick fry pan of DOOM in the general direction of the blindingly yellow Chick Magnet, Mr. Awesome’s bird-shaped, aerodynamically-sound motorbike, as he weaved dangerously through traffic towards the outskirts of the metropolis. They were getting into dangerous territory, neutral territory, and it was hazardous to come here uninvited.
“Kindly stop waving that thing around before you break something,” The Music Meister cautioned dryly from the passenger’s seat of the Streudelvagon, “and please do keep your eyes on the road.”
“I don’t need to see to follow this idiot’s path, I could see that stupid bike through my eyelids!” cried The Frying Pan, sideswiping several cars in her efforts to keep up.
“Still, it is a very good question… What could be out here that the idiot could need to gather our eggs? Does he have an agreement with the White Cross?”
“No one has an agreement with the White Cross! He’s-…Oh. Oh my God Music Meister, LOOK!”
As they broke free of CityState’s traffic, they crested a hill and suddenly, in the distance, they could see...
“Is that a chicken farm?” The Music Meister deadpanned.
“Impossible! The Commonwealth of Evil would surely have known about such a valuable store of treasure just outside our fair metropolis!”
“Quickly, Frying Pan, we must not be seen. Engage the Unsicht Bar.”
“Got it!”
The Frying Pan pulled a long lever to her left, and suddenly a large stein emerged from the side of the car and landed on a long wooden bar running the length of the vehicle. It filled with beer, and The Music Meister raised the flagon briefly before pouring the liquid down a tube, feeding into the car. The engine sputtered and roared and shook, and the next thing they knew the entire car was INVISIBLE.
Not that it really mattered, because Mr. Awesome wasn’t really looking out for anyone following him anyway, he was too intent on being AWESOME. Eventually, he slowed to a stop just outside a giant pen lined with barbed chicken wire, which was just like regular chicken wire except it was EXTREMELY SPIKY to keep out any UNWANTED GUESTS.
All the little birds in the pen flocked to him as he approached the wire boundary, which didn’t harm any of them because although it was EXTREMELY SPIKY, they were not UNWANTED GUESTS.
“Ahh, hello my adorable little chickies!” Mr. Awesome exclaimed in AN ENTIRELY AWESOME FASHION THANK YOU VERY MUCH, his face flushing with happiness. “What have you got for me today! Why, are those eggs? Are they? I think they are!! Who’re the best little chickies in the whole metropolis? You are! Oh, you are! Yes you! And you too!”
“This is ridiculous,” The Music Meister said as they watched this DISGUSTING DISPLAY OF FOOLISHNESS AWESOME from behind a conveniently placed wall. The Frying Pan made quiet gagging noises while sticking her index finger in her mouth. “Still, it looks like he does have these eggs under control. We can probably-”
Suddenly, the entire chicken farm grew dark, because it was JUST MORE DRAMATIC THAT WAY, with just one lone spotlight gracing a familiar dark figure perched high in the netting.
“Oh no!” The Frying Pan hissed, her face paling.
“It’s-”
“I am vengeance,” the MYSTERIOUS FIGURE called flatly from high above. “I am the night. I…am…”
“Major Stoic!” Mr. Awesome interrupted, folding his arms with a huge grin.
Major Stoic’s body tensed just the tiniest bit more than it already was. “You interrupted my speech,” he said.
“Hells yeah, couldn’t have you showing me up!”
“Regardless, I am here to stop you. I overlooked this little operation when you were just using it for your own purposes, but you are taking advantage of these poor defenseless creatures.”
“Bullshit! I take care of these little dudes!”
“You are using their love for you to secure your place in The Commonwealth of Evil. I will not allow it.”
“Bet you will!”
“I will not.”
“Will too!”
“I will not engage you in these foolish games. It is time you were stopped.”
“You can’t stop me.” The Awesome Five Meter Bird Man made a huge show of cracking his knuckles and preparing for battle. “Know how I know?”
“I will indulge you: How?”
Gilbert’s grin grew even wider as he readied a fighter’s stance. “Because I taught you everything you know…mein kleiner Bruder!!”
The Frying Pan and The Music Meister gasped!
Meanwhile, the door to the meeting room of the League of Nations burst open and a brief flash of pink, sparkling, light filled the room. Everyone’s favorite male, or maybe it was female, had arrived rather… unexpectedly.
“Like, heeeeeeeeeeey gaaaaaaaaaiz!” He twirled around once, his shimmering pink cape flowing gracefully behind him. “You’ll like, never believe what just happened. It was like, totally not cool.”
The Yellow Apron face-palmed epically and stared at The Sparkler for a moment. “If you’re going to tell us that the Commonwealth of Evil stole from the orphanage, we already know.”
The Sparkler’s face fell slightly. “Oh… well… that like, totally put a damper on my mood.” But not for long. “So like… do you want me to do something about it or something? I’m like totally game to help get revenge…”
“NO!” The rest of the League of Nations responded simultaneously.
“You’re not even part of the League of Nations… so you should leave now, da?” The Boy Russia was advancing towards the sparkling presence with a spine chilling grin on his face.
“B-but, I’m like, totally not part of the Commonwealth of Evil either!” The Sparkler tried to defend himself helplessly as he backed himself up towards the door.
Captain America placed a hand on The Boy Russia’s shoulder and shook his head as The Yellow Apron calmly approached The Sparkler and led him out into the hallway. “Nothing against you buddy, but it would be best if you left us for now…”
The Sparkler nodded, slowly, blushing some before making his way down the hall and away from the League of Nations.
While the Sparkler was being shown the door, Doujinshi Boy began to ponder exactly which member of the Commonwealth of Evil would best suit his purposes for his current love story. How else would Captain America and The Boy Russia come to confess their love for one another?! His thoughts were interrupted by the League of Nation’s Justice Screen turning on once more.
“League of Nations, I have some information for you.” The Informant appeared on the screen, his stony countenance taking up most of the screen. “What is it, Informant?” Captain America asked, ready to head out and defeat those nefarious villains in the Commonwealth of Evil!
“There is a robbery in progress, outside the CityState’s limits. Some…man…is trying to steal eggs from a defenseless farm.” The Informant adjusted his glasses, frowning slightly. “Those scoundrels! Will they never relent?!” Captain America hissed, glaring off to his right side where Le Roi Rouge shrugged helplessly.
“There’s more. The vigilante, Major Stoic, is trying to stop it. But it’s uncertain if he will take the eggs for himself, or protect them.” “He better not take them! How selfish aru! Is he a hero or a villain?!” The Flying Wok cried out. He was offended by the Commonwealth of Evil’s mistreatment of food. Didn’t they know you couldn’t STEAL it?! FIENDS! What were the people to eat?!
Captain America nodded in agreement with his fellow hero. “We must go and determine the truth for ourselves! And of course save those eggs! They could be a poor farming community’s only source of protein!” The Yellow Apron turned to The Informant. “Thank you for the information, Informant. We will get right on it!”
England slammed his empty glass down on the table and levied an accusing finger at America across the table.
"I have had enough of this ridiculous story!"
Even though it was 2 AM, the bartender didn't dare throw them out. The out numbered the bar staff more than ten to one, and had an endless platinum credit card underwritten by the UN. Every nation was sauced six ways to Sunday with their own particular poisons, and England wasn't nearly drunk enough to find any of this hilarious.
Alright the image of Austria pouring beer into his engine had been amusing, and Germany dressed up like Batman had left him choking on his beer, but he drew the line at the continued stupidity. His brows were perfectly fine! And his teeth were a fine set that had suited him well for centuries and weren't crooked at all!
"Ah, mon chere, you are just upset because you haven't had a turn!" France pressed far too much of himself against him in a drunken drape, his hands sliding into places they really should not be going. England had enough sense to smack at them while America gagged and Germany focused down into his beer.
"I don't want a turn, I want you all to go sod off." A good shove had France rocking back into his seat, and he brushed at his clothes as if he could chase the memory of France off of him. "Why can none of you be more creative than a drunk and high James Bond knock-off ghost writer?"
"We are rather remarkably drunk!" said France, lifting a mostly-full glass of sparkling green in the air. Half the nations next to him attempted to clink glasses together; only Prussia had the iron constitution against alcohol to succeed.
"Why the hell did I agree to this in the first place," England muttered into his glass, groping for his beer bottle. Damn, all empty. He tapped the bottle against his glass hopefully, but nothing came out. He eyed up the table.
Prussia gathered his beer against his chest, shooting him a dirty look. "Like hell I'm sharing!"
"C'mon, it's not that bad! You're just being sore. Look, we even made you the main villain!" America grinned, his smile cranked up to a thousand blinding watts in his drunken airs. England shot him the foulest look he could drag up, but it didn't last long when America shove another bottle at him.
He muttered a proper thank you. "Don't think this means you're forgiven, you idiot! At the very least you can make a fair attempt at imitating the accent without sounding like you bashed your head in walking through that low doorway."
Over half the nations were remarkably tall people; that over-half that heard him winced in memory.
"In the interest of National Cooperation," Germany started, sounding awfully level headed for all the hard alchohol he'd knocked back (partly because Prussia kept buying him shots with his own money.) The table groaned. National Cooperation was code for "speech underway, escape as soon as possible."
"C'mon, c'mon, the rest of you just suck at storytelling!" Prussia jabbed Germany in the side with an elbow and slid another shot under his nose. "Get on with it, I want to know how awesome I am when I get you all those eggs and make you bow down to my excellence."
England muttered something about how Prussia wasn't a real villian in the story, he was just extra, who ever ruled the world with chicken eggs, but with a new beer was content to let them blather on without interruption.
For now.
The League of Nations
Captain America and The Boy Russia
Super Egypt
The Yellow Apron
Le Roi Rouge (dude, that’s a tongue twister. Couldn’t I just say it in English?)
The Claus
Doujinshi Boy (super effective against The Frying Pan)
The Flying Wok
The Commonwealth of Evil (and Associates)
The Maple Leaf
The Tea Pot
The Frying Pan
The Music Meister
Mr. Molester (invading your vital regions, one small boy at a time)
The Bloody Blade
The Wannabe: The Awesome Five Meter Bird Man. “Mr. Awesome” But not really.
Ambiguous, Just like his gender: The Sparkler
The Vigilante: Major Stoic
The Doublecrossers in their Flying Pasta Mobile (Pasta Hood and Little Lovino)
Young League of Micronations: Sea Robin and the Vibrator
The Damsel: ….The Damsel. (it’s Ukraine)
The Weapons Guy: IKEA
The Informant: The Informant
Civilians: Switzerland and Liechtenstein (because they are neutral. But, they totally sell weapons to both sides)
It was a typical, average day. It was a typical, average town.
“Halt there, evil doer! No one can escape from Captain America and his superfluous sidekick, The Boy Russia!”
A man dressed in a red, white, and blue jumpsuit jumped from one rooftop to the next. He was followed by a taller man, whose long scarf trailed behind him as he leapt after the other. “I am surprised Captain America knows that word, but I don’t think you’re using it right.”
“Not now Boy Russia! The nefarious Maple Leaf is getting away with the maple syrup that was supposed to go the orphanage!”
Okay. Typical may not be the best word.
“First it was the Tea Pot swindling the tea that was supposed to be for Bingo Night at the church, and now this? It seems something strange is going on, da?”
The spandexed crusader nodded in thought as he came to a stop, ignoring his nemesis as he somehow managed to ice skate away on the sidewalk below. It didn’t seem to matter that it was the middle of summer and he was carrying a large case of sticky, sugary goodness under one arm. “Yes! You’re right Boy Russia! It’s almost as if the Commonwealth of Evil is planning a breakfast…of DOOM!”
The hapless sidekick sighed. “That doesn’t even begin to make sense…”
Certainly nothing average about any of this.
With a swish of a star-bangled cape, Captain America turned, jumping down to the Freedomobile. “Onwards! To the League of Nations! We must hatch this egg before it’s overeasy!”
The pitiable Boy Russia jumped down, climbing into the side hatch of vehicle. “I prefer them poached, personally.”
Meanwhile, back at the League of Nations…
The Yellow Apron hurried into the meeting room. “Captain America just reported! The Commonwealth of Evil has struck again! This time they took maple syrup from an orphanage!”
Doujinshi Boy looked from the latest yaoi doujin of Captain America and the Boy Russia he was drawing. “Not the orphanage! We must put a stop to their breakfast pilfering!”
“You’re right!” The doors slammed open as Captain America burst into the room, followed shortly thereafter by the ever put upon Boy Russia, who was wondering (not for the first time) how he got roped into his situation. “But first, we must find out what their overall plan is!”
“BWAHAHA! I bet you would love to know that, wouldn’t you old chap?” The League of Nations Justice Screen turned itself on, revealing a top hatted silhouette.
All the present members of the League of Nations gasped.
“The Tea Pot!” Captain America approached the screen. “Don’t think you’ll get away with this!”
“Ah, you daft bloke. I already have, and there’s not a thing you can do about it!” The Tea Pot moved closer, out of the shadows he had been hiding in to reveal his large browed visage. “We’re having a jolly happy time with our tea and the pancakes that the Frying Pan was kind enough to make for us. You could have had some, too. It’s a shame you felt the need to leave the Commonwealth. You always were my favorite minion…”
Captain America slammed his fist down on the table. “We’ll find you and put an end to your evil ways! The next breakfast you’ll be eating will be behind bars!”
“HA HA” The Tea Pot chuckled villainously, “I’d like to see you try.” His horribly British and disfigured smile sneered. A cup and saucer appeared from the right of the screen, presented to The Tea Pot from red gloves with tiny maple leaves on the cuffs. “Ah thank you lad.” The wicked and devious Tea Pot smiled to the character off screen and took a sip of his steaming beverage of EVIL!
The maniacal villain sighed, “Earl Grey, always delicious. Why don’t you go set the breakfast table?”
“Maple.”
“Well then! Try and stop us if you can foolish League of Nations! Ha ha ha HA HA!!!” And then the camera cut.
The Frying Pan clapped from behind the camera. “That’s a wrap everybody. Good job Tea Pot. You’ve been working on your evil laugh.”
The Tea Pot smiled, “Yes I think it’s more fear-striking now don’t you?”
“Oh yes, for sure.” She smiled, as everyone headed to the breakfast table.
The Commonwealth of Evil and associates sat down, and started filling up their plates. Much evil nom-ing occurred and the League of Nations was helpless to stop it. They tore into pancakes drenched in orphans’ syrup, and drank tea stolen from bingo-loving elders all conversing cordially while the committed DIABOLIC acts of EVIL!
It was a delicious meal of STOLEN DELICIOUSNESS. But it was missing something… Something… white and yolky. Something to provide them protein to build maniacal muscles to perform more horrendous acts of VILLIANY! But what?
“You know what would be good? Some eggs.” Said The Molester.
The Commonwealth of Evil and Associates were in agreement. They diffidently needed some eggs, maybe a little bacon too.
“STOP RIGHT THERE!” The doors of the Lair of EVIL! (version 4.5) burst open and standing there was-
“Gilbert. What do you want?” The Frying Pan sighed, standing up and taking out her frying pan of DOOM.
“Wait! Wait!!! Hold up!” He backed away hands protecting his delicate face from the Frying Pans non-stick pan of DOOM.
“Wait Frying Pan. Let’s hear what he has to say.” The Music Meister dabbed a bit of syrup from his lips and The Frying Pan delayed her hot rage of EVIL.
Gilbert The Awesome Five Meter Bird Man grinned, “You guys want eggs with your breakfast, right? Well I know just where to get them. I could even get them for you.”
“And why would we care? You’re not even a villain.” The Frying Pan crossed her arms, pan still in hand.
“Yeah but if I get you your eggs, then you have to acknowledge how awesome I am and let me into your club.” He grinned.
The Commonwealth of Evil and Associates looked at each other, reaching a silent consensus. “Alright Gilbert-“
“My name is The Awesome Five Meter Bird Man. But you can call me Mr. Awesome if you’re not awesome enough to remember all that.”
“Fine. Mr. Awesome, if you can get us these eggs we’ll consider letting you into the Commonwealth of Evil and Associates.” The Tea Pot sipped his evil beverage of wickedness.
“AWESOME! I’ll be back in no time.” Mr. Awesome ran out of the Lair of Evil (version 4.5).
The Tea Pot turned to his fellow super villains. "Frying Pan, Music Meister, follow him. Make sure he does not compromise our plans. And somebody go obtain some bacon. We will need it to go with our eggs, after all."
The Frying Pan and Music Meister stood to do that, going to find the Strudelvagen and be on their way.
"I can do that~~" Mr. Molester jumped from his seat, pulling a cellular phone out from a location that had never been determined. After all, that suit was so tight, you would think you could tell where he was keeping it.
He ran into the hall, leaving the door open behind him so everybody inside could hear his conversation.
"Hello? Little Lovino? Don't hang up on--" Silence for a moment, then...
"Ah, Pasta Hood? Yes, it's Mr. Molester. Yes, we did steal all the maple syrup earlier. No. Yes. Yes we need some help with something. We need bacon, because we'll be making some eggs next. Yes, that's exactly what we need. You'll get it? Wonderful! I'll leave the door unlocked for you~"
Mr. Molester came skipping back in. "We'll have bacon soon enough, and somebody to cook it for us too."
"Fool!" The Tea Pot pointed at him dramatically. "They are called the Double Crossers for a reason! If they lead the League of Nations to foil our plans, it is coming out of your paycheck."
Mr. Molester gasped dramatically. And then decided it didn't really matter because deep in his corrupted heart he knew that they would be found by the hand of justice eventually.
“Where is this moron taking us?!” cried The Frying Pan, shaking her nonstick fry pan of DOOM in the general direction of the blindingly yellow Chick Magnet, Mr. Awesome’s bird-shaped, aerodynamically-sound motorbike, as he weaved dangerously through traffic towards the outskirts of the metropolis. They were getting into dangerous territory, neutral territory, and it was hazardous to come here uninvited.
“Kindly stop waving that thing around before you break something,” The Music Meister cautioned dryly from the passenger’s seat of the Streudelvagon, “and please do keep your eyes on the road.”
“I don’t need to see to follow this idiot’s path, I could see that stupid bike through my eyelids!” cried The Frying Pan, sideswiping several cars in her efforts to keep up.
“Still, it is a very good question… What could be out here that the idiot could need to gather our eggs? Does he have an agreement with the White Cross?”
“No one has an agreement with the White Cross! He’s-…Oh. Oh my God Music Meister, LOOK!”
As they broke free of CityState’s traffic, they crested a hill and suddenly, in the distance, they could see...
“Is that a chicken farm?” The Music Meister deadpanned.
“Impossible! The Commonwealth of Evil would surely have known about such a valuable store of treasure just outside our fair metropolis!”
“Quickly, Frying Pan, we must not be seen. Engage the Unsicht Bar.”
“Got it!”
The Frying Pan pulled a long lever to her left, and suddenly a large stein emerged from the side of the car and landed on a long wooden bar running the length of the vehicle. It filled with beer, and The Music Meister raised the flagon briefly before pouring the liquid down a tube, feeding into the car. The engine sputtered and roared and shook, and the next thing they knew the entire car was INVISIBLE.
Not that it really mattered, because Mr. Awesome wasn’t really looking out for anyone following him anyway, he was too intent on being AWESOME. Eventually, he slowed to a stop just outside a giant pen lined with barbed chicken wire, which was just like regular chicken wire except it was EXTREMELY SPIKY to keep out any UNWANTED GUESTS.
All the little birds in the pen flocked to him as he approached the wire boundary, which didn’t harm any of them because although it was EXTREMELY SPIKY, they were not UNWANTED GUESTS.
“Ahh, hello my adorable little chickies!” Mr. Awesome exclaimed in AN ENTIRELY AWESOME FASHION THANK YOU VERY MUCH, his face flushing with happiness. “What have you got for me today! Why, are those eggs? Are they? I think they are!! Who’re the best little chickies in the whole metropolis? You are! Oh, you are! Yes you! And you too!”
“This is ridiculous,” The Music Meister said as they watched this DISGUSTING DISPLAY OF FOOLISHNESS AWESOME from behind a conveniently placed wall. The Frying Pan made quiet gagging noises while sticking her index finger in her mouth. “Still, it looks like he does have these eggs under control. We can probably-”
Suddenly, the entire chicken farm grew dark, because it was JUST MORE DRAMATIC THAT WAY, with just one lone spotlight gracing a familiar dark figure perched high in the netting.
“Oh no!” The Frying Pan hissed, her face paling.
“It’s-”
“I am vengeance,” the MYSTERIOUS FIGURE called flatly from high above. “I am the night. I…am…”
“Major Stoic!” Mr. Awesome interrupted, folding his arms with a huge grin.
Major Stoic’s body tensed just the tiniest bit more than it already was. “You interrupted my speech,” he said.
“Hells yeah, couldn’t have you showing me up!”
“Regardless, I am here to stop you. I overlooked this little operation when you were just using it for your own purposes, but you are taking advantage of these poor defenseless creatures.”
“Bullshit! I take care of these little dudes!”
“You are using their love for you to secure your place in The Commonwealth of Evil. I will not allow it.”
“Bet you will!”
“I will not.”
“Will too!”
“I will not engage you in these foolish games. It is time you were stopped.”
“You can’t stop me.” The Awesome Five Meter Bird Man made a huge show of cracking his knuckles and preparing for battle. “Know how I know?”
“I will indulge you: How?”
Gilbert’s grin grew even wider as he readied a fighter’s stance. “Because I taught you everything you know…mein kleiner Bruder!!”
The Frying Pan and The Music Meister gasped!
Meanwhile, the door to the meeting room of the League of Nations burst open and a brief flash of pink, sparkling, light filled the room. Everyone’s favorite male, or maybe it was female, had arrived rather… unexpectedly.
“Like, heeeeeeeeeeey gaaaaaaaaaiz!” He twirled around once, his shimmering pink cape flowing gracefully behind him. “You’ll like, never believe what just happened. It was like, totally not cool.”
The Yellow Apron face-palmed epically and stared at The Sparkler for a moment. “If you’re going to tell us that the Commonwealth of Evil stole from the orphanage, we already know.”
The Sparkler’s face fell slightly. “Oh… well… that like, totally put a damper on my mood.” But not for long. “So like… do you want me to do something about it or something? I’m like totally game to help get revenge…”
“NO!” The rest of the League of Nations responded simultaneously.
“You’re not even part of the League of Nations… so you should leave now, da?” The Boy Russia was advancing towards the sparkling presence with a spine chilling grin on his face.
“B-but, I’m like, totally not part of the Commonwealth of Evil either!” The Sparkler tried to defend himself helplessly as he backed himself up towards the door.
Captain America placed a hand on The Boy Russia’s shoulder and shook his head as The Yellow Apron calmly approached The Sparkler and led him out into the hallway. “Nothing against you buddy, but it would be best if you left us for now…”
The Sparkler nodded, slowly, blushing some before making his way down the hall and away from the League of Nations.
While the Sparkler was being shown the door, Doujinshi Boy began to ponder exactly which member of the Commonwealth of Evil would best suit his purposes for his current love story. How else would Captain America and The Boy Russia come to confess their love for one another?! His thoughts were interrupted by the League of Nation’s Justice Screen turning on once more.
“League of Nations, I have some information for you.” The Informant appeared on the screen, his stony countenance taking up most of the screen. “What is it, Informant?” Captain America asked, ready to head out and defeat those nefarious villains in the Commonwealth of Evil!
“There is a robbery in progress, outside the CityState’s limits. Some…man…is trying to steal eggs from a defenseless farm.” The Informant adjusted his glasses, frowning slightly. “Those scoundrels! Will they never relent?!” Captain America hissed, glaring off to his right side where Le Roi Rouge shrugged helplessly.
“There’s more. The vigilante, Major Stoic, is trying to stop it. But it’s uncertain if he will take the eggs for himself, or protect them.” “He better not take them! How selfish aru! Is he a hero or a villain?!” The Flying Wok cried out. He was offended by the Commonwealth of Evil’s mistreatment of food. Didn’t they know you couldn’t STEAL it?! FIENDS! What were the people to eat?!
Captain America nodded in agreement with his fellow hero. “We must go and determine the truth for ourselves! And of course save those eggs! They could be a poor farming community’s only source of protein!” The Yellow Apron turned to The Informant. “Thank you for the information, Informant. We will get right on it!”
England slammed his empty glass down on the table and levied an accusing finger at America across the table.
"I have had enough of this ridiculous story!"
Even though it was 2 AM, the bartender didn't dare throw them out. The out numbered the bar staff more than ten to one, and had an endless platinum credit card underwritten by the UN. Every nation was sauced six ways to Sunday with their own particular poisons, and England wasn't nearly drunk enough to find any of this hilarious.
Alright the image of Austria pouring beer into his engine had been amusing, and Germany dressed up like Batman had left him choking on his beer, but he drew the line at the continued stupidity. His brows were perfectly fine! And his teeth were a fine set that had suited him well for centuries and weren't crooked at all!
"Ah, mon chere, you are just upset because you haven't had a turn!" France pressed far too much of himself against him in a drunken drape, his hands sliding into places they really should not be going. England had enough sense to smack at them while America gagged and Germany focused down into his beer.
"I don't want a turn, I want you all to go sod off." A good shove had France rocking back into his seat, and he brushed at his clothes as if he could chase the memory of France off of him. "Why can none of you be more creative than a drunk and high James Bond knock-off ghost writer?"
"We are rather remarkably drunk!" said France, lifting a mostly-full glass of sparkling green in the air. Half the nations next to him attempted to clink glasses together; only Prussia had the iron constitution against alcohol to succeed.
"Why the hell did I agree to this in the first place," England muttered into his glass, groping for his beer bottle. Damn, all empty. He tapped the bottle against his glass hopefully, but nothing came out. He eyed up the table.
Prussia gathered his beer against his chest, shooting him a dirty look. "Like hell I'm sharing!"
"C'mon, it's not that bad! You're just being sore. Look, we even made you the main villain!" America grinned, his smile cranked up to a thousand blinding watts in his drunken airs. England shot him the foulest look he could drag up, but it didn't last long when America shove another bottle at him.
He muttered a proper thank you. "Don't think this means you're forgiven, you idiot! At the very least you can make a fair attempt at imitating the accent without sounding like you bashed your head in walking through that low doorway."
Over half the nations were remarkably tall people; that over-half that heard him winced in memory.
"In the interest of National Cooperation," Germany started, sounding awfully level headed for all the hard alchohol he'd knocked back (partly because Prussia kept buying him shots with his own money.) The table groaned. National Cooperation was code for "speech underway, escape as soon as possible."
"C'mon, c'mon, the rest of you just suck at storytelling!" Prussia jabbed Germany in the side with an elbow and slid another shot under his nose. "Get on with it, I want to know how awesome I am when I get you all those eggs and make you bow down to my excellence."
England muttered something about how Prussia wasn't a real villian in the story, he was just extra, who ever ruled the world with chicken eggs, but with a new beer was content to let them blather on without interruption.
For now.
The League of Nations
Captain America and The Boy Russia
Super Egypt
The Yellow Apron
Le Roi Rouge (dude, that’s a tongue twister. Couldn’t I just say it in English?)
The Claus
Doujinshi Boy (super effective against The Frying Pan)
The Flying Wok
The Commonwealth of Evil (and Associates)
The Maple Leaf
The Tea Pot
The Frying Pan
The Music Meister
Mr. Molester (invading your vital regions, one small boy at a time)
The Bloody Blade
The Wannabe: The Awesome Five Meter Bird Man. “Mr. Awesome” But not really.
Ambiguous, Just like his gender: The Sparkler
The Vigilante: Major Stoic
The Doublecrossers in their Flying Pasta Mobile (Pasta Hood and Little Lovino)
Young League of Micronations: Sea Robin and the Vibrator
The Damsel: ….The Damsel. (it’s Ukraine)
The Weapons Guy: IKEA
The Informant: The Informant
Civilians: Switzerland and Liechtenstein (because they are neutral. But, they totally sell weapons to both sides)