(no subject)
so here i am again with this unexplainable feeling of powerlessness and its slowly killing me inside. i hate how i know im falling apart inside but i pretend like every things okay. well its not okay, and it scares the fucking shit out of me to accept that and even though deep down inside i know this im still living in denial every day. i've never been this scared before in my life. im so fucking scared that im gonna fuck up my life. its been two years since ive graduated high school and i havent really accomplished anything. i've been bullshitting my family, my friends, and myself when i say i work hard because i know that i can work so much harder. every one tells me how strong i am, but im really not that strong at all, and every body tells me what a great person i am or whatever but no one really knows the real me. no one knows that i hate my life and that i know im going to fuck up because i already have. i threw away the one person that i ever really loved for the one person who ever really loved me, and then i ended up throwing that person away too... and i still love that person who treats me worse than anyone ever has in my life while the person that has tried the best to make me happy i cant stand. i know that probably makes no sense, but some where in my head it does. i know i have family and friends but honestly i am really alone. i pretend to be someone im not because i hate who i am. and i want to change so bad and i want to do better and try harder and get through this rough time in my life but theres some part of me thats holding me back and wont let me grow, and its too strong to fight. what the fuck is wrong with me? why am i such a pessimistic little bitch that crys herself to sleep every night and hates her life so much. the reason im alone is because i dont feel like im worth loving, and i dont want to hurt or ruin anyone elses life. i really feel like if i fucking dropped dead right now it really wouldnt change anyone elses life, because i dont feel like im really apart of any ones life and my life is just a fucking lie that i make up to get through the day but when the day is over and im laying in bed trying to sleep i fucking think what the fuck am i doing. i hate my life. i dont want to do this anymore. i dont want to pretend or lie to anyone or myself. i really want to be happy but for some reason no matter how hard i try i just cant be happy. every day for over the past 8 years i wonder why my aunt shot herself through the heart and now i finally realize why.