Yay for random babbles...
I fucked up. What the fuck is wrong with me? So she has friends. Big deal. Everyone has friends. I think if she hadn't specifically said she wasn't interested and wasn't going to see the movie at all when I asked her out, I won't have minded if she went out with anyone else. I feel so fucking stupid. Like, I shouldn't even have bothered to ask her in the first place because, hello, see where it takes me?
Okay. I admit it. I'm pissed, and so is she. My horoscope says it too. I'm a sensitive dumbass. So there. Or what about after Colleen and Zeets, I'm scared or losing anyone important again. I keep feeling I'll get chucked aside one day, end up in a loony bin and rot. I hate that feeling. I hate it so much, I wanna crawl under my desk and brood the night away.
... Howl's Moving Castle was better than I'd expected. The backdrop music was wonderful, and I really liked Howl's ass. *snort* I think my mom was enjoying herself too, but it was nice of her to notice I was looking like the living dead and trying to cheer me up. My mom can be so clingy (wait, who am I to judge her? I'm pretty clingy and whiny myself) but I really love her tho I never show it. I dunno how to without looking like a gushing idiot. I think the clinical depression is acting up on me again. Last time it lasted for two years and I cut up enough blood to fill a goldfish bowl weekly. From now on I'll just slit my thigh. Nobody can see cuts on thighs anyway. Gwuh.
Audrey had her fun with Ojisan today. She had me ring her at 9am and say I'm studying with her, and she hauled ass off to find Ojisan for some loving. I hope she had a great time... she really deserved a break. And I love her too, in a friendly way. I want her to be happy.
To add salt to the wound, Stephen rang me up to remind me that his bday was coming up soon, and I better not forget to text him sth on his bday. I assured him I remembered. Actually I didn't, but he didn't need to know. He sounded way too happy and chipper while I just listened and said "Hn" every 10 minutes. Then he said he still wanted me, and would I like to have a autumn wedding in June? I told him to kiss my ass and he laughed. All the more for me NOT to be with him, because I feel so ugly and stupid next to his niceties and gorgeousness. It's so natural for him... he doesn't even have to work up a sweat to make ppl like him. They just do. I think it's his easy confidence, the way he can say charming things and sounding like he truly means it, and his smile. That's the one thing I liked most abt him. It's so utterly contagious, you can't help but smile back, however tentatively. I wish I can be more like him and less like me. Here I'm just a jealous, sensitive, talkative, possessive bitch. I don't love him, never did and never will, but I respect him. Though through the phone hearing his voice kinda reminds me of how heartless and stupid I am... again. Tish sucks. Grrrrrrrr.
ps. This entry is meant to be ignored. The end. *drowns in puddle*
Okay. I admit it. I'm pissed, and so is she. My horoscope says it too. I'm a sensitive dumbass. So there. Or what about after Colleen and Zeets, I'm scared or losing anyone important again. I keep feeling I'll get chucked aside one day, end up in a loony bin and rot. I hate that feeling. I hate it so much, I wanna crawl under my desk and brood the night away.
... Howl's Moving Castle was better than I'd expected. The backdrop music was wonderful, and I really liked Howl's ass. *snort* I think my mom was enjoying herself too, but it was nice of her to notice I was looking like the living dead and trying to cheer me up. My mom can be so clingy (wait, who am I to judge her? I'm pretty clingy and whiny myself) but I really love her tho I never show it. I dunno how to without looking like a gushing idiot. I think the clinical depression is acting up on me again. Last time it lasted for two years and I cut up enough blood to fill a goldfish bowl weekly. From now on I'll just slit my thigh. Nobody can see cuts on thighs anyway. Gwuh.
Audrey had her fun with Ojisan today. She had me ring her at 9am and say I'm studying with her, and she hauled ass off to find Ojisan for some loving. I hope she had a great time... she really deserved a break. And I love her too, in a friendly way. I want her to be happy.
To add salt to the wound, Stephen rang me up to remind me that his bday was coming up soon, and I better not forget to text him sth on his bday. I assured him I remembered. Actually I didn't, but he didn't need to know. He sounded way too happy and chipper while I just listened and said "Hn" every 10 minutes. Then he said he still wanted me, and would I like to have a autumn wedding in June? I told him to kiss my ass and he laughed. All the more for me NOT to be with him, because I feel so ugly and stupid next to his niceties and gorgeousness. It's so natural for him... he doesn't even have to work up a sweat to make ppl like him. They just do. I think it's his easy confidence, the way he can say charming things and sounding like he truly means it, and his smile. That's the one thing I liked most abt him. It's so utterly contagious, you can't help but smile back, however tentatively. I wish I can be more like him and less like me. Here I'm just a jealous, sensitive, talkative, possessive bitch. I don't love him, never did and never will, but I respect him. Though through the phone hearing his voice kinda reminds me of how heartless and stupid I am... again. Tish sucks. Grrrrrrrr.
ps. This entry is meant to be ignored. The end. *drowns in puddle*