Different Paths
A lot of my free time lately has been spent pondering. Pondering all the different paths I could have, or should have, taken in my life. For instance, when I was in high school, like many people, I went through a litany of different ideas about what I wanted to do in college. I wanted to go into communications. I thought about advertising and journalism. However I quickly learned that you have to be the very best in your field to really make a living, and you'd have to start at the very bottom and work you way up. I wanted a job where I would at least enter at an intermediate level. Then I thought about becoming a medical examiner. You know, doing autopsies and shit. Unfortunately I realized that I'd have to go to med school for that. And considering my Best Friend in HS, who I thought was one of the smartest people in the world, is having problems with the MCATs. Maybe giving up that dream was an ok decision. My next goal was to go into psychology. Mainly because of its versitility, I even thought about doing forensic psych. When I came to college I had two ideas. Education and Pyschology. I took Psychology 101 and got a C. Because of that seemingly minor failure, I decided to become an Education major.
Here I am, 3 years later and still as unsure as ever about what I want to be when I grow up. I "grow up" in 6 months and I have NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING! Isn't this supposed to be the time in my life where I've finished all of my soul searching and finally know what I want to do? I used to be passionate about teaching. Now, I'm passive. I love politics, part of me wants to get involved in that. I still am interested in going into College Student Relations. Hell I'll even admit that part of me wants to do what I've wanted since I was 7 years old. Back then I wanted to be a cop. Just like my mom was.
I have some options. I could stay the course (thanks GW), go through student teaching and graduate. Then I can decide if that's what I want to go. I could (an have looked into) change my major to history, forgo student teaching and graduate... then decide what I want to do. I could do either of those and take a year off, although the rents aren't too happy with that idea. Lastly, and this is the most appealing right now, I COULD just run off and join the circus.
I'm so confused. I'm so worried I'll make the wrong choice. What if I've already made the wrong choice? What if I could have been the best damned medical examiner ever, but I didn't have the commitment to do it. Back then 7 years of schooling seemed like an eternity. Now I see its only one more year than most grad programs.
GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!
I wish I had the same dedication as most of my fellow education majors. But it's gone. I don't know where it went but it's not here anymore. I don't even have anyone to talk to about it. My adviser says "I could see you succeeding in anything." Dr. MacDonald says "It can't hurt to give student teaching a chance." Except for the fact that I feel that the students deserve more than a half-assed attempt at teaching (and yes I told Dr. MacDOnald that I didn't want to do a half-assed job next semester). A lot of people have said I'd make a great teacher. But the fact of the matter is it doesn't matter if they believe it, it matters if I believe it. And right now I'm not convinced.
I guess life would be a lot easier if someone just came up to me and said, "Kate, go be a teacher." Or, "Kate, do college student relations." Or, "Get your masters in clowning and go out on the road."
I just want this indecisiveness to stop. I want to feel motivated, confident, and talented in whatever I do. But I guess first I have to decide what the hell I should do.
Here I am, 3 years later and still as unsure as ever about what I want to be when I grow up. I "grow up" in 6 months and I have NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING! Isn't this supposed to be the time in my life where I've finished all of my soul searching and finally know what I want to do? I used to be passionate about teaching. Now, I'm passive. I love politics, part of me wants to get involved in that. I still am interested in going into College Student Relations. Hell I'll even admit that part of me wants to do what I've wanted since I was 7 years old. Back then I wanted to be a cop. Just like my mom was.
I have some options. I could stay the course (thanks GW), go through student teaching and graduate. Then I can decide if that's what I want to go. I could (an have looked into) change my major to history, forgo student teaching and graduate... then decide what I want to do. I could do either of those and take a year off, although the rents aren't too happy with that idea. Lastly, and this is the most appealing right now, I COULD just run off and join the circus.
I'm so confused. I'm so worried I'll make the wrong choice. What if I've already made the wrong choice? What if I could have been the best damned medical examiner ever, but I didn't have the commitment to do it. Back then 7 years of schooling seemed like an eternity. Now I see its only one more year than most grad programs.
GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!
I wish I had the same dedication as most of my fellow education majors. But it's gone. I don't know where it went but it's not here anymore. I don't even have anyone to talk to about it. My adviser says "I could see you succeeding in anything." Dr. MacDonald says "It can't hurt to give student teaching a chance." Except for the fact that I feel that the students deserve more than a half-assed attempt at teaching (and yes I told Dr. MacDOnald that I didn't want to do a half-assed job next semester). A lot of people have said I'd make a great teacher. But the fact of the matter is it doesn't matter if they believe it, it matters if I believe it. And right now I'm not convinced.
I guess life would be a lot easier if someone just came up to me and said, "Kate, go be a teacher." Or, "Kate, do college student relations." Or, "Get your masters in clowning and go out on the road."
I just want this indecisiveness to stop. I want to feel motivated, confident, and talented in whatever I do. But I guess first I have to decide what the hell I should do.